My Name Is Quinn
by Maz Kazama
Summary: The Jonas that comes through the quantum mirror is very different from the one in our universe. Jonas slavefic kind of Full summary inside. Mentions of child abuse, slavery and other nasty things.
1. Prologue

**AN: Hmm...well...this is something pretty different for me. It's based on an X-files fanfiftion I read by Mort where Alex Krycek is a cloned slave. It's called Discounted Goodsand if you haven't read it and you're an X-files fan I highly reccomend it. Anyway, I read this a while ago but recently started to think about how a similar scenario could occur in the Stargate Universe. Now I don't want you to think I am an ideas stealer, I think this fic (I have written a couple of chapters) is turning out to be quite different than I imagined as I keep getting ideas - hopefully you guys can help too. Anyway, this is turning out to be a massive note lol. I'm not EXACTLY sure where I'm going with this and it probably won't make sense for a long time, or possibly ever lol. Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy . -Maz Kazama-**

Disclaimer: Stargate isn't mine (obviously becsause Jonas isn't in it any more) and I'm not making any money fom this fic. Please don't sue me - I am poor ;

**Prologue **

My name is Quinn. I know that now. They said calling me Jonas brought back memories that were too painful for them to deal with at that minute. I wanted to tell them that there was no memory that couldn't be dealt with – I should know, having an eidetic memory myself. I'd lost people and seen things that I want so hard to forget and yet I remembered everything in perfect detail, had no choice not to. But instead of this I nodded and whimpered "As you wish."

Quinn. I'd been called a lot worse. Quinn wasn't a sign of status. Quinn wasn't a name meant for humiliation or embarrassment. Quinn wasn't an insult. The more I thought of it, the more I grew to like my new moniker. Quinn…I could get used to that.

I wouldn't want to give you the impression that I would have said anything if I hadn't liked the name they'd picked for me. I understood that I didn't have a choice, that my opinion didn't count and I would never had dared voice what I thought. I was too scared that I actually HAD an opinion to ever act upon it.

You probably aren't understanding me so far. That's understandable. When you've grown up in a world like the one I found myself in not so long ago, Earth, you'll always have had your own views and opinions and been encouraged to voice them. I wasn't even supposed to HAVE an opinion. It was part of my flaw. Part of the reason I got to where I am today.

I knew I shouldn't have touched it. My master had strictly FORBIDDEN me to touch it – well…almost.

"Touch that mirror you piece of shit and I'll kick your fracking head in."

I told you I remember everything. Those were the exact words he said. And that's where my master made his first ever mistake in handling me. His first and worst mistake. I told you he had **almost **forbidden me from touching it. But he hadn't told me not to – that was the start of my reasoning that led to an action that I never should have been able to perform and also the start of a chain of events that I never could have imagined – even with a design that allowed for imagination. His second mistake was his sentence structure. He'd issued me a threat, a pointless thing for a master to do. I was trained to obey without needing an incentive. But it wasn't so much the threat itself but how my old master had said it. He had started with 'touch that mirror'. Of course I KNEW he didn't want me to touch the mirror, I'm not a machine – well not fully. Unlike my predecessors I am able to put commands into context. So I knew he was ordering me to do the opposite of what he had said. But it was enough to confuse my already flawed conditioning. And his final words – or I'll break your legs. He didn't even remember one of them was already broken. This shouldn't have bothered me, I was used to being forgotten about and ignored, but somehow it did.

And I felt an emotion I had felt only once before – courage. And with it came an onset of feelings I had never experienced. I felt my heart pound against my ribcage, I could HEAR it and I let my breathing fall into rhythm with the speeding beat. My teeth and fists clenched simultaneously and I could feel my irises changing to a deep black – a design to warn my masters that I was…what had they called it? Dangerous. Since I came here, my new masters have given this emotion a name. Many names in fact. Apparently I was angry, upset and frightened all at the same time.

So as I felt my body course with this 'anger' I ignored the pain in my leg as I pulled myself to my feet. In fact I barely even noticed the grinding of my bones so consumed was I with this new feeling. I was barely in control of my body as I clenched my fist, watching as blood flowed from where my fingernails cut tiny wounds into my palm. I was _intoxicated_, drunk on the sense of power this new feeling brought me. I knew my eyes were completely black now, my master had been told that if he ever saw those eyes he was to shoot me on sight. For with my advanced eyes came not only advanced sight but also advanced smell, hearing and touch. My strength and speed increased and I could feel the twinge of healing start in my weakened leg. I was soaring as the hormones pumped through my veins…at that moment I felt invincible.

My new master and mistress looked sad when I told them that was the happiest moment of my life. The first memory I had of pleasure. This made my mistress cry and I'm sure I saw a tear in Master O'Neill's eye too. I've tried to convince myself that it was a bad memory but I've come to the conclusion that I just must not have explained it to them right. There is no possibility that what I was feeling at the moment was a **bad **thing. Even if the consequences resulting from that actions caused me to shatter years of conditioning as I reached out and place a bleeding hand on the mirror that was to change my existence.


	2. Trust

**AN: OK, so I thought I get chapter one up. I'm quite nervous about posting this but…meh…what's a fanfic writer to do? I hope this isn't too bad a chapter.**

**Warnings: Slavery, child abuse.**

**Disclaimer: Do you see Jonas anywhere in season 9? **

My new owners say I must have been unconscious for days before they found me. At first I thought they must have been wrong, kelownans are quick healers, I would have healed myself within a few days. But then I remembered the feeling I had experienced and how it had been so intense as to fully blacken my eyes.

I was surprised their advanced doctors didn't know anything about it when I suggested this as a reason. Then I made them sad when I asked if their slaves didn't have that ability. They just shook their heads sadly and I couldn't understand why they were upset. It was making me nervous and I could feel my green irises changing to grey…grey meaning fear. I didn't understand why they were upset with me and so I had no idea of how to appease them. As I glanced around at this room of drugs and needles I began to realise why they had brought me here. They wanted to use the technology in this room to punish me and now they had tricked me into making them upset to give them an excuse to do so. Not that they needed an excuse but it seemed to make them feel better to have one.

The small mistress was approaching me quickly , he sharp jerky movements were a sharp contrast from the soft, gentle, comforting way she had been moving previously. She was tense and her voice was high and louder than normal. If I had listened to her words of

"This is amazing, Jona-Quinn. Quinn, look at me, please look at me, this is incredible." I might have known she wasn't angry but at the time I was too scared to hear anything but the speed and loudness of her voice - my ears hearing the sounds but not interpreting them into words.

"Janet. Janet, you're scaring him." Master O'Neill's voice was my salvation, it was the same as normal and he didn't sound angry with me. He placed a comforting arm around my shoulder trying to comfort me and I leant into his embrace, burrowing my head in his shoulder to hide my eyes that seemed to be making the small mistress so angry.

It may seem like bits of my story are missing. And they are. But what happened before I got to that strange rooms with the drugs and machines, the infirmary, is little more than a blur of slurred words and flashes of light. I remember hearing the word 'Jonas' over and over in a questioning tone but I had no idea at the time that it was a name. You'll have to learn what happened in between from my owners, as I did.

I remember them asking me questions I was too tired to answer and I remember I slept a lot but the first coherent memory of my time on Earth is that of the small mistress telling me I had been unconscious for days. Which led to the situation of me hiding my eyes from the new mistress.

I was surprised when I heard the small mistress' breathing slow down and I tensed waiting for the pain from either a sharp slap or a stinging needle. Instead all I felt was a delicate hand rubbing soothing circles in my back.

"Quinn…" Her voice was a sigh but it still sounded upset. "Quinn, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you." I didn't know what Quinn meant but I deduced from the other words that she wasn't angry with me and risked a glance at her. She was smiling gently but sadly and I found I wasn't so scared any more – although I couldn't think of a reason why. Master Teal'c said that emotion is called trust. I found I quite liked the smile and I tried one of my own for the first time since I was a very small baby. It probably didn't pull off quite the happy effect a smile is suppose to though due to my watery eyes, weakened state and the constant shivering that signified the start of mild shock.

"Quinn…" She started, then paused. "Do you mind if I call you that?" I had just stared at her for a while, not wanting to be tricked into giving an opinion, but when she just continued smiling I risked shaking my head – no I didn't mind. "That's nice, thank you, Quinn." She said softly and I allowed myself to uncurl slightly from master O'Neill. "I'd like it if you sat back on the bed, would you like to do that?"

Mistress Carter…Sam…tells me Doctor Janet was treating me as she would have done a small child. She says that's how I was acting that day. Even had I not an eidetic memory I could never forget the look on her face when I told her that I am, in fact, only six Earth years old.

The fact that the small mistress knew how to talk to me when I was frightened, even though I hadn't told her I was really only 6, convinced me she was very clever and I slowly walked over to the bed and sat on it. I wasn't aware of pulling my knees up to my chest and wrapping my arms around them but the small, clever mistress was and that was what made her send everyone out of the room. What finally showed her how very scared and afraid I was.

"Alright, Quinn…"

I didn't realise it but I was in shock at that point. Waking up in this new and frightening place with these scary new owners that wouldn't tell me how to be good had made me vulnerable.

"Quinn, I have a blanket here, I think it might make you feel better if you wear it around your shoulders." She started and I nodded…trying to get my brain to work properly to tell her I agreed. The most I could manage was a whispered,

"Cold…"

She seemed to understand my meaning, she is very clever you know, as she nodded and said,

"How about I put this around you. Would you like that?"

I wanted the blanket and I nodded.

"Please."

I suppose it a sign of how 'out of it' (as master O'Neill puts it) I was that I dared to ask for something and that I didn't suspect this new mistress was just playing mind games with me, like so many others before. Or maybe it wasn't me at all, maybe it was Doctor Janet's calming influence that gave me the confidence and trust I needed to make that simple request.

I guess you might be wondering why I was so proud of myself for doing such a simple little thing as asking, not even properly asking, for a blanket. But I have found that when it comes to slaves, Earthlings have very little knowledge at all. As smart as they are – they still have very much to learn. That is why I like to talk to Teal'c about things such as that. He, as a former slave, knows what you do not – just how very frightening it is to ask for something when you have come to expect a beating every time you do.

For instance my first time was when I was one year old, probably the equivalent of a 5 year old Earthling child. I was suffering from what I now know is called a throat infection. But at the time all I knew was that my throat hurt. I had waited all day in the hope that I might get some water – that master had not the best memory when it came to feeding and watering his slaves – but I hadn't got any. I had gone to him and humbly asked for a glass of water. He had been furious. I don't like to talk about what happened next because I know it upsets my new owners but suffice to say the subsequent days I spent locked in that master's closet were the days when I realised asking for things was a bad idea.

There are far more examples than that. As I have said, I am flawed and though that first lesson should have told me never to ask for something I did again and again. And received punishment after punishment until eventually I gave up and learned to suffer in silence.

So now maybe you understand, just as my new owners do now, why it was a strange thing for me to have done in the circumstances.

"There…Isn't that better?" The small mistress asked as she draped the blanket over my shoulders.

I nodded and whispered thank you to her.

"I'm very sorry I frightened you, Quinn." She said and I shook my head, waving my hand feebly. I didn't want this mistress to feel sorry about anything, she had given me a blanket and talked nice to me and even given me a smile. As warmth returned to my body I came to the conclusion that I likes this new mistress very much.

"S'okay." I mumbled at her.

"I was just very interested in seeing your eyes change colour." She carried on and I closed my eye, content to enjoy the sound of her soft voice. "And I got excited, I should have been more careful, I know this must be very frightening for you."

I nodded in agreement. This mistress was very clever indeed.

"Next time if someone frightens you I would like you to try to say so. Could you do that?"

I froze at this, jolted out of my peaceful state. I…I couldn't, I wasn't supposed to say. I couldn't tell her. Then I realised…I didn't have to.

"When…when I get scared, my eyes turn grey." I told her hoping she would draw the conclusions for herself so that I didn't need to say anything to break my programming.

"That will be helpful, Quinn." She said softly, "But I still want you to try to say so as well. I know it's hard for you."

I wondered how she knew that but I decided that it must just be due to her cleverness.

"You don't have to do it." She carried on, "But I would like it if you did." Then she lifted my chin up gently and I could my eyes reflected in hers – they were green. "Will you try, Quinn?" She asked and I answered automatically.

"Yes mistress." But unlike any of the previous of times I had said that in response to a question…this time I really meant it.


	3. Wanting

I soon found that saying how you felt and what you wanted was a lot harder to do than it sounded. I was soon out of the room with the needles – the infirmary. The small mistress seemed to want me to stay longer so she could 'study' me some more. She seemed very interested in my fast rate of healing but Master O'Neill said that 'she could poke needles in me later' as he pulled on my arm.

I saw Doctor Janet's (that's what she insisted I called her) lips press together, she was angry with Master O'Neill. I felt my body tense – he had no right to upset this nice mistress like that. In a rare show of defiance I yanked my arm away from him and glared at him as best I could.

"I'll stay, Doctor Janet." I said solemnly, "I don't mind being poked with needles."

I heard O'Neill give a little chuckle and I watched, with satisfaction, as Doctor Janet shot him an angry glare which I did my best to imitate.

"Heh." He shrugged off our glares. "You won't be saying that in a few hours-"

"Colonel O'Neill!" Doctor Janet's voice was angry and sharp and it didn't surprise me that it finally shut Colonel O'Neill up. I smiled as she patted me on the shoulder and I whispered in her ear.

"See, I said what I wanted. I was good, right?" I wanted to see her smile again. As fun as it was too see the muscular Master O'Neill getting bullied by the small Doctor Janet, I liked happy Janet much more than angry Janet.

I was pleased when it got the right effect and she cracked me a beaming smile.

"Yes, Quinn, that was very brave of you. Well done!" I smiled at the praise. When you've spent all your life being told you're stupid, weak and worthless a little praise means a very great deal. Doctor Janet knew this. She knew lots of things about me now.

She had spent a very long time talking to me when I had been getting better. I was most interested in my namesake – Jonas Quinn.

It happened a few days into my recovery, Doctor Janet says it was when she could see I was feeling more relaxed. She had just sat down next to the bed and said,

"Now, I know we've been calling you Quinn. That's because we needed to call you something and…Quinn…well that's another story. But I was wondering, Quinn…Do you have another name you'd like us to use?"

I shook my head vigorously and then stopped as I realised I was lying. As safe as I felt with these new owners I knew it was never good to tell a lie.

"I have…a…" I cursed myself for my flaw for the thousandth time in my life as I tried to stammer out the truth. Had I not been damaged I would have been able to tell the truth, even if I didn't like it, without hesitation. Had I not been damaged I wouldn't have had a preference either way.

"I have a number." I managed to stammer out, forcing tears back.

"Quinn? Quinn what's wrong?" Doctor Janet had a hand on my shoulder and the gentle comfort was enough to start me crying as I blurted out.

"I don't WANT to be a number!" I turned pleading eyes on her, "Please Miss…" In my distress all of Doctor Janet's lessons about monikers and the 'chain of command' went out of my head. "I want the name YOU picked! I don't…I want a proper name!"

"Quinn…" When I turned my eyes to her again she was smiling softly, sympathy in her eyes. "Quinn, you don't have to bea number. You pick whatever you want." She smiled and I sniffed as my tears. I didn't have to be a number? Even though she knew I had one? I could still be Quinn?

"Quinn. I want to be Quinn." I said as firmly as I dared and she nodded patting me on the shoulder and giving me a determined grin.

"Quinn it is then."

I smiled back, feeling shy and tired after my emotional outburst, yet the curiosity I should never have possessed was ripe and I couldn't help but ask.

"What does the name Quinn mean?" I'd been called many names before but I knew what they had all meant, or if I hadn't I'd soon learned.

"Quinn…" I watched Doctor Janet bow her head and I knew she was keeping her feelings inside. I had done it often enough myself to see when others were attempting to do the same. "Quinn means more to me than anything." I wasn't stupid enough to think she was talking about me. "The name Quinn belonged to a very outstanding young man." I looked over her and saw the passion in her gaze. I knew if I was feeling that emotion my eyes would have been very black. "A man who I loved very, very much."

I sat for a moment and thought about it. Love. I'd heard about it of course but I'd never really understood it. An old slave had said had said that love was when you would willingly die for someone, when you never wanted them to go away. I would have died for any of my masters, had nearly done so on a few occasions but I was pretty sure I didn't love them. It didn't sound like you should be scared of someone you love.

"He was…well…he was very much like you."

Doctor Janet's voice pulled me out of my thoughts. That was something to think about another time. I found myself intrigued that there might be another like me. On Kelowna I had been flawed, the one faulty clone in the batch. A was a unique clone. A paradox.

"Sam will tell you more." She continued and I filed that piece of information away. I liked Major Carter it would be interesting to ask her.

"This very special man, his name was Jonas Quinn and…"

I didn't need kelownan enhanced abilities to know what she was going to say nor how painful it would be for her to say it. I didn't want her to be any more upset, I was regretting asking her enough as it was, so I finished off the sentence for her.

"He's dead…" It wasn't a question but a statement and Doctor Janet nodded to confirm it. And then there was silence. And I was totally lost. I had plenty of experience of sorrow and misery but…comfort…that was something I had only seen once or twice, never something I had experienced aside from the treatment I had received here. Doing the only thing I could think of, I did what Doctor Janet did to me when she wanted me to be brave and squeezed her arm. I thought back to what Doctor Janet would say to me when I was scared or upset but nothing sounded like the right thing to say. That was when I learned that, when faced with the death of a loved one there are no words that can take the pain away. This was the first of many lessons I was to learn in this strange place.

Little did I know that I was learning one at that very minute as I stood beside Doctor Janet doing my best to make her happy. It wasn't a conscious decision to decide that I wanted her to be happy. I didn't even have to consider it. The thought of making her unhappy never even crossed my mind. I was learning at that time, without realising it, what it was like to have a friend.

It wasn't until I heard Doctor Janet's frustrated sigh that I realised I had been drifting in my memories and I tensed wondering if her frustration was aimed at me. My worry was quelled as I saw her roll her eyes exasperatedly and I saw a reluctant smile on her lips.

"Fine, Colonel O'Neill, introduce him to Jello if you really must but don't keep him out too late."

I watched Colonel O'Neill give a pretend salute and I couldn't help but marvel at the fact he wasn't being punished for his obviously mocking behaviour. Then he turned to me and said,

"How about it, Quinn, wanna try some jello?"

I had absolutely no idea what jello was and my mind began to fill with possible scenarios as my schemas activated. Of course, when you've grown up as a slave your schemas don't tend to be the happiest of them all.

"Quinn?" Colonel O'Neill looked worried but his type of worry was quite different to Janet's type of worry. Having spent a lot of time with the two of them, my efficient memory was already cataloguing every detail about them. So I knew even though Colonel O'Neill's face just looked confused, the tensing of his shoulders and slight shift in his stance showed me he was actually worried. The fact that he was worried about me put me at ease a little, would Colonel O'Neill really make me do even half of the things I was imagining. No, I finally decided. No I didn't think he would.

"I'm sorry, Colonel O'Neill." I forced the tremors out of my voice, trying to disguise how afraid I had been. "I-I don't know what Jello is, and I got scared." I saw his eyes widen in understanding and he burst into a relieved grin.

"Don't worry kiddo, there's nothing to be scared of." He look up a little as if in memory, "Well, maybe for the catering staff, but not for us. Now…" He leaned close to my ear and whispered, "Let's get out of here before Doc Fraiser changes her mind."

I grinned and nodded firmly, caught up in his excitement, whispering back, "'Kay."

18 Jello cups and a definition of catering staff later I understood what Colonel O'Neill had meant. There was no-one else in the cafeteria and I was glad. I knew people had been warned that there was an alternate universe counterpart of Jonas Quinn on base but still…Earthlings are not very good at hiding their emotions and when I had looked into their eyes I had seen so many feelings and it had scared me that I could cause that much emotion in so many people.

I'd grown up with most people never sparing me more than a glance. The vast majority of people not caring whether I lived or died and with whatever I wanted, thought, or did having no effect on anyone or anything. Now I saw I was having an effect on the people in this strange place on the most profound emotional level.

I saw sadness as my face brought back memories of Jonas and the Earthlings were forced to deal with the fact that the man they were remembering was never coming back. I saw anger mingled with bitterness at the fact that I was there, alive and their friend was not. This upset me, it wasn't my fault that their friend had died. I saw confusion, as if they couldn't really believe that a doppelganger of their dead friend was stood right before them. But the anger and sadness were too much for me to deal with. So, even though I don't usually like having my back to people, I decided that the possibility of an unseen attack was much easier to deal with than seeing those looks directed towards me.

And I knew I should have told Colonel O'Neill that I wasn't comfortable in there but do you honestly think he could have understood what I had just told you? Could you even understand just how I felt? As I said - saying how you feel and what you want is a lot harder to do than it sounds sometimes.


	4. Similarity

**AN: Okay, I hope things should start to make a little more sense after this chapter. Thanks to those who are sticking with me, especially Matute and Straitjakit for your messages and reviews :)**

**Disclaimer: Well, I guess...maybe Quinn is. But unfortunately the others aren't.**

**Warnings: Child abuse**

After my discovery of Jello I was eager to learn more about this new universe I was in. To try more foods and see new things but the one thing I really wanted to know about was my alternate universe version – Jonas.

I knew he was dead…or dead to the people here but I felt, I don't know, a _connection_ to the man that I could have been. Doctor Janet had said Major Carter was the one who knew most about the quantum mirror but I wasn't really interested in that. Unfortunately, when I approached her, she was.

"Okay, Quinn." She had said, sitting down opposite me with their quantum mirror sat on a table beside us. "I want you to try and tell me exactly what you did before you arrived here."

And it literally had been 'here' in the very room I was sat in - the room next to Jonas' office. I guess that's why they though I might have been Jonas. I'm glad I wasn't conscious to see their disappointment when they realised I wasn't him.

"I…I just touched it." I answered her, wanting to get this talk over with so I could go see Jonas' office.

"Did you see the remote?" She held up a small device and I shook my head. I'd never seen anything like that and I wasn't interested. I was happy here – then it struck me. The reason they were asking so many questions…they wanted to send me back. They wanted to figure out how to get me back to my universe.

And even as my mind came to that conclusion, any pleasure I might have gained from figuring out what the Earthlings wanted of me was crushed by the overwhelming despair I felt at the thought of returning to my home, to my former life.

I think it was then when I realised just how incredibly lucky I had been to have landed in this place. How wonderful this new life was that I had been given. I got food whenever I wanted it, wasn't beaten, punished or shouted at. I had people that I liked to be around and that seemed to like to be around me. And I got to read…

This was such a wonderful gift that when Major Carter had brought me some books while I was still in the infirmary I had immediately got up and pressed my forehead against hers, the sign my people give when there are no words to describe how they feel. Grateful was just such an insignificant word when compared with the amazing privilege I had been given. When she had shown me the huge base library I had nearly fainted. I had never seen so many books in one place. In fact I don't think I had ever seen so many books at all. It had taken everything I could muster to get my stunned brain to connect with my mouth so I could stammer the words,

"I-I can…read **any **of these books?"

Sam had said she had felt like Santa when she had watched at my face as I looked at the mountain of knowledge surrounding me. Of course I hadn't known what Santa was at the time but now I do I can understand what she meant.

When Colonel O'Neill had said he would go with me one day and I could get some books to _own _I had actually started crying.

So after these three weeks of paradise the thought of returning to my old life was enough to send my irises swirling with darkness. To return to being little more than object, to being a flawed, disobedient slave and to never have anyone smile at me again…. I could feel my eyes grow darker. And I realised, during my time on Earth, I had become spoiled. I had grown used to not being hit at random and to being fed daily – to sleeping in the warmth with blankets. I didn't want to go back. I clenched my fist as I felt the same feeling I had felt three weeks ago, anger. It wasn't fair! They couldn't give me all this then take it away! It was cruel! It wasn't fair!

"Quinn?" Major Carter's hand was cupping my chin as she watched my eyes swirling with grey and black. "Quinn what's the matter? Talk to me, we can work this out."

I wanted to tell her what I had been thinking but I was in such a state of panic that all I could manage was to sob out.

"It's not fair!" And then I was crying and when she reached out to hug me I pulled back. I knew, the more comfort I took now, the harder it would be when I was back in my universe. Yet as she stroked my cheek with her hand I could feel my resolve crumbling and seconds later I was burying my head in her shoulder, sobbing as she stroked my hair.

"Shhh…shh, it's alright, it's okay, Quinn."

I wanted to tell her that it wasn't alright but the overwhelming fear of being sent home was overriding any capability to form a coherent sentence.

"No." I shook my head against her shoulder. "I don't want to go back!" I could feel my breathing speed up and I pushed myself away from her body, staring her straight in the eyes.

"Please….please, Major Carter. Please don't send me back there!" If I hadn't been in such a panic I might have seen the expression on her face that would have shown me that that thought had never crossed her mind. "Please. I'll be good. I can be a good slave for you. I'll do anything you want! Please Sam! Please don't send me back! I won't bother anyone here any more, I won't eat your food! I-"

"Quinn!" I realised from the sound of Major Carter's voice that she had been calling my name a few times throughout my plea. "Quinn, I'm not sending back through the mirror. I would never do that if you didn't want me to."

"I don't!" I was quick to assure her. "Please…please I don't want to." I stared into her eyes, my irises swirling with grey passion and I visibly slumped from the tense position I didn't know I had been holding as she gave a soft smile and pulled me back to her chest.

"Then I guess you're stuck with me after all."

The notion that I might find being with Major Carter unpleasant was so ridiculous I actually gave a small chuckle. It was the first time I had laughed in a very long time. My previous life hadn't given me any opportunity for laughter and I was reminded again of how lucky I was that I was allowed to live here.

"Thank you, Major Carter." I whispered as she hugged me and then pressed my forehead lightly against hers. "I wish there was a way I could make it up to you." I said earnestly before pulling back from her. I felt like I was so indebted to these people for letting me stay here and I thought of the only thing I had to offer in return. "I'm good you know." I slumped in the chair a little, raising my hips, "I can give you a good time." I licked my lips, looking up at the Major with half lidded eyes. "Any way you want it." I let my voice drop a few tones and let my hand stray to my groin.

"Quinn, stop it!" The sharpness of her voice snapped me out of my seduction and I jumped a little. I wasn't used to getting that sort of a reaction. I couldn't understand what I had done wrong - I'd never had problems like on this at home.

"I…" I didn't know what to say. I'd never been a position like this. There was only one reason I could think of as to why Major Carter hadn't taken me up on my offer – and it saddened me far more than I thought it would. "…Don't…don't you like me?"

And I wasn't even waiting her to answer because I was already convinced I knew what she was going to say. And the thought that she didn't find me attractive was enough to start the tears building in my eyes again. Then I thought of the other reasons, I bet she didn't think I was skilled enough…or maybe…

"You don't want to frack me just because I'm a slave!" I spat out angry, my eyes were black and shining with unshed tears as I surged to my feet. I'd never felt so hurt in all my life. Sure I didn't hurt physically, I mean, I'd beaten within an inch of my life before and hardly shed a tear. But this was somehow different, something much much worse than any physical pain. And as the burst of anger I felt receded and my eyes began lightening again, I sat down and clutched my chest.

"I'm sorry, Major Carter." I whispered, too ashamed by my show of emotion and attempts to seduce her to meet her eyes. "I..I thought you…I…" I looked down at the floor as I mumbled the last words. "I just wanted to say thank you."

"Oh, Quinn." Her mouth was smiling but her eyes looked sad somehow.

"I'm sorry…" I whispered, not knowing what to say to make this up to her. I had offered her the only thing I had, my body - with even that rejected I was adrift, lost and confused.

"Quinn, I'm not angry with you." She said and I relaxed a little - that was one positive thing at least. "It's just…that's not how we do things here." She explained and I sighed.

"This world is confusing." I grumbled a little and, to my delight, Major Carter gave a little laugh at that and playfully ruffled my hair.

"I'm sure it is." She laughed and then grew a little more serious. "Quinn, what was your home like?" She pulled her chair up to mine and grasped my hand, as if giving me some of her strength. It was already obvious to her that my life hadn't been an easy one. Not by Earth standards.

"I…" I sighed, not wanting to draw back from this comforting world into my dark memories but knowing I owed Major Carter at least that much.

"I'm a clone." I said, deciding to start at the very beginning – the gasp of shock from Major Carter told me that was something she hadn't worked out.

"A few years before I was…" I stumbled for the right word, "…made, there was a great war. My people, the kelownans had discovered a substance, a very volatile substance which they named naquadriah."

Major Carter nodded at this and said "We've come into contact with it."

I was surprised at that but continued anyway. "My people used this to build a…a bomb. To fight the Andaris and the Terainians – they were the other nations on my planet." Sam nodded in reply but didn't seem surprised by anything I was telling her.

"But the Andaris and Terainians predicted this – they joined forces and formed a coalition. They took Kelowna before we had even finished building the bomb. There were….thousands of casualties, the entire kelownan race was almost wiped out. The survivors were rounded up into concentration camps and later transferred to medical facilities to be…cloned. The coalition wanted soldiers and their armies were spent from decades of warfare so they…they grew a new one." I took a long breath and looked up at Major Carter. "I think…my universe version of Jonas must have been one of the survivors. I guess I'm a...a doppelganger of a doppelganger." I tried for a weak smile but Major Carter just shook head and told me to carry on.

"Well…I…I was one of the first Jonas clones made but I…I was flawed. They…the coalition…didn't notice at first but when we grew to toddlers…I always wanted to…to touch things and look at stuff the others just, sat and did as they were told."

I winced at Major Carter's horrified expression, she was no doubt shocked that I could've been so disobedient.

"Don't worry." I tried to console her, "They hit it out of me after a while." If anything she looked worse but, not knowing what else to do, I pressed on with the story of my life. "Of course, my childhood was – short. They accelerated our bodies through that stage of growth."

Major Carter's hand was grasping mine painfully, "They did _what_?" Her voice was incredulous.

"Childhood is an unnecessary part of development." I recited by rote, my voice a flat monotone before blinking and explaining to her "They didn't want children in their army so they accelerated our bodies through that stage of development – using it as a sort of trial period. Drilling their commands into us, starting the conditioning and teaching us the basics of literature and mathematics while our brains were still flexible enough to learn. "

I sighed as I remembered those long nights in the clinical classrooms, the swish of a belt against my back for every mistake. A scar for every error. I felt my free hand straying to my back and Sam frowned softly before moving behind me and lifting my shirt at the back. I could hear her fractured breathing as her eyes strayed over my old wounds.

"Oh God…Quinn…What did they do to you?" When she came back round to face me there were tears in her eyes. "What…" She shook her head fiercely as if rebelling against the idea that anyone could do that to a child. It seemed child abuse was rare on this planet and child abusers were detested. "WHY?" The tears were starting to trickle down her cheeks. "Why, Quinn? Why did they do this too you? **HOW **could they do this to you?"

"I…" I was stunned by her outburst, I didn't think I would have caused that much of a reaction. "When I…when I made a mistake. Or sometimes…sometimes just for fun." I sighed and took hold of Sam's hand again, not wanting to get sucked in a flashback. "But I…we learned that if we offered our bodies…sometimes they…they took that instead. Sometimes they got offended and hit us worse but the risk paid off sometimes. And I…I know you might think that…raw penetration would be worse than a whipping but…when it got to the point when they'd whipped all the skin off my back…I was willing to do just about _anything _to keep that belt away from my skin."

Major Carter looked like she was about to be sick and I gave her hand a little squeeze like she had been doing to mine when I got upset.

"Do you want me to stop?" I asked and she shook her head but her face was wet with tears and…the thoughts that never should have surfaced began to make their way through their chinks in my programming. "I…I think you do." I said, it wasn't as firm as I had wanted but not bad considering I had just defied a direct order. "I…I think maybe we should talk about this some other time." And as she burst into tears and I pulled her down into a hug I saw Doctor Janet and Colonel O'Neill stood in the doorway with expressions that told me they had heard every word of my speech.

Colonel O'Neill later told me that's when he realised that Jonas and I really were two totally separate, yet, he said, as he watched me fight that conditioning that had been beaten into me just to spare Major Carter getting upset, he realised that there were definitely some similarities there too.


	5. Showing emotions

Major Carter didn't accompany me into Jonas' old office; she was in some sort of emotional shock. Especially after we figured out that my entire lifespan amounted to just six Earth years. Doctor Janet chose to stay behind also, Colonel O'Neill told me once they had left she had never been into Jonas' office since the day SG-1 returned and he wasn't with them.

"Colonel O'Neill?" I had asked once the two women had left, my curiosity piqued once again. "He…he's not been confirmed dead has he?" I asked and I could see the Colonel's eyes widen in surprise.

"What…what makes you think that, Quinn?" He had asked and I sighed, fumbling in my tired brain to try and put a feeling into words.

"When…when Doctor Janet and Major Carter talk about him…about Jonas." Somehow it felt wrong not using the man's name when I was pretty sure now he wasn't dead. "Their eyes…they're sad but…there's still…I don't know." I looked at the floor as I searched for the word, "...hope? It's like, they're trying to convince themselves he's dead but at the same time clinging on to the hope that he might still be alive." I waited for a few seconds and then frowned softly when the Colonel didn't answer. "Does that make sense to you, Sir?" I asked and when I lifted my eyes to his he had a very strange look on his face.

"You know, for a six year old alternate universe alien, you're pretty smart." He gave a little chuckle as he clapped in me on the back and I smiled shyly back. I wasn't used to getting compliments.

Still. I noticed he still hadn't answered my question and I felt safe enough to press the issue.

"I'm right, aren't I? Jonas isn't dead."

"He's…he's dead to us here." Colonel O'Neill replied. "And he could well be dead in real life. But we have no conclusive proof that he's dead or alive. He was taken from us by a Goa'uld called Nirti. The Goa'ulds are a story for another day but basically she was evil. She took him to experiment on his DNA and we have no idea which planet she took him to."

There was nothing I could think to say to that and my reply of, "Oh." Sounded so pathetic I wished I'd never brought the subject up in the first place.

"There are some who find it easier to think of him as dead than think of him still alive, probably suffering and us not being able to do anything about it. Other people find it easier to imagine he's on his way back. We have friends looking for him throughout the universe, a lot of people hope they'll find him."

"And you, Sir?" I asked, looking into those tormented dark eyes. "What do you hope?" I knew the answer I received would tell me a lot about the man before me.

"I hope." He started, gripping my shoulder a little tighter, "I hope I don't make the same mistakes with you as I did when I first met him."

I wanted to ask more but Colonel O'Neill cut me off by opening the door to Jonas' office and we stepped inside. I gasped as I crossed the threshold as I saw a framed photograph hung high on the wall. Colonel O'Neill had Jonas in a headlock whilst major Carter and Teal'c exchanged exasperated views. Doctor Fraiser and a small, bald man I didn't recognise looked on disapprovingly but with smiles twitching at the corner of their mouths too.

As I walked to get a closer look at the photo, my eyes were drawn to a smaller photo on the desk. It was of Jonas and Doctor Fraiser but in this picture I had a clear view of Jonas' face. And as I gazed at the image I had a slight twinge of what I suppose the cooks in the cafeteria had felt. This man looked…he was…he was me. I couldn't believe it. But then, as I picked the photo up, I became aware of slight differences. This Jonas had green eyes like me but his…his shone with happiness and curiosity whereas mine were dull and frightened. His face was also more filled out with unblemished skin. My face was pale with a multitude of scars. I turned to the other wall and stared into the mirror there and for a split second I was sure I saw Jonas staring out at me. The image was gone as soon as it came though and I ignored it – focussing on my reflection and comparing it to the man in the photo.

I had a slightly rounded scar just above my right eyebrow where I had been stabbed there by another slave attempting to gouge my eye out. At the top right of my forehead was a small, thin scar where I had scraped my head on a rock when collapsing unconscious. Snaking round the back of my neck and onto my left cheek was a red weal that had got infected and never properly healed after a supervisor had whipped me while drunk. My hair was also much shorter, keeping it short kept the lice away and meant I didn't have to waste precious water on washing it.

Compared to the man in the photo I was a total mess. Why would anyone on this planet ever want me when there was no way I could even compare to this man? This man was a, a genius, a hero and I was…I was a flawed, worthless slave. It was with mournful eyes that I turned to Jack O'Neill and delivered in the most emotionless voice I could muster,

"I can't replace him."

Colonel O'Neill looked away at this and then closed his eyes and sighed "I know." I wasn't used to seeing the Colonel show such emotion.He looked….upset and I sighed. Did he want me to be Jonas? Had I been too bold in my statement?

"I-I can try…" I tired to appease him. "If I grow my hair and…"

"No." He cut me off and I frowned a little. "You're not…you're not him. You can't be him. I get that now." He took a breath and then looked up with a wistful smile on his face. "When I first saw you in the infirmary I…it was like he was back - back with us. I mean…you _know _how much you look like him."

I nodded. I could understand.

"And all those days while you were unconscious in the infirmary I would sit there and pretend you were him. And even though I knew you weren't, it just took the pain away a little to pretend that he wasn't really gone."

Again, this I understood, I had pretended a lot as I was growing up. Pretended my life was all just a dream, pretended the pain I was feeling wasn't really there – pretended I wasn't scared, but in the end I knew…

"It doesn't last. It just makes things worse." I sighed and he nodded.

"It wasn't until you woke up that I knew it…it really wasn't him. And…I, to be honest, I resented you at first because you weren't him. I know it's not fair to you and it was totally out of order but I'd spent so long pretending you were him that when I was finally forced to face the fact that you weren't…I guess it was just easier to get angry than to deal with grief."

I nodded again. I'd only felt anger the one time but I remembered, as I always do, what an intoxicating emotion it could be. I imagined that was a much better emotion to feel than to have to face up to the fact that a loved one was never returning to you.

"So I didn't visit for the first few days, left it to Sam and the Doc to tell me what was happening with you and I tried not to care because you weren't Jonas. But then I remembered…I don't know what triggered it but I remembered this was how I'd treated Jonas when he first came to the planet. And after you've spent night after night regretting every bad thing you've ever said or done to someone because you know you're never going to get a chance to apologise to them – well, you tend to think twice about how you treat people from then on."

I smiled softly, even when spilling out his innermost thoughts the Colonel always had a trace of humour in his voice. Be it a sarcastic pun or a bitter humour like the last statement had held – humour was always the Colonel's first defence.

"So I thought about it more and it lead me to thinking, what if you're my second chance? What if, you're here for me to make up for the things I did this version's universe of you? So, that's when I invited you out for jello and don't think I didn't notice the way those cook's stares affected you, Quinn."

I started at that. I…I had been sure he hadn't noticed. I raised my eyebrows slightly as the shock settled in – I guessed these Earthlings weren't as unobservant as I thought.

"And the more time I spent with you the more I realised…you weren't Jonas and how I treated you wasn't going to make a damn difference to Jonas and it wasn't going to change the past. The only people it was gonna affect was me and my conscience. And I saw your eyes when you looked at that photo, Quinn, and I realised all I've done throughout the weeks you've been here is compare you to Jonas. And with a past like I've just heard about…there's no wonder you're so different."

I looked away. I hadn't meant for anyone else to know about my previous life. Not after seeing Major Carter's reaction.

"But now I've gotten to know you, Quinn." I looked up at the sound of his voice, it was happier now and I could see his eyes were smiling. "I don't **want **you to be him."

It took a second for me to digest that statement before I burst into a smile of my own. I resisted the urge to hug him like I did Major Carter knowing somehow that Colonel O'Neill might not appreciate it in the same way. I settled for.

"Thank you, Colonel O'Neill."

"No problem kiddo." He grinned and ruffled my hair before leaning to me ear and whispering, "And if you ever tell anyone I showed that much emotion I'll kill ya."

It was a sign of just how much I had adapted to this new life that I knew he was joking. I sighed as I put the photo back on the desk – I could get used to it here.


	6. Regressions

**AN: Contains a flashback containing abuse.  
Thanks to those who have reviewed - hugs to you all **

My first time in that office proved to be a catalyst for a lot of other first time experiences. The most magical of which was my discovery of music. You might not understand what classical music sounds like to someone who's never even heard singing before let alone a musical instrument but to me it was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard.

It had been an accident of course, like most of my discoveries here on Earth it just happened upon me. I had been looking at the various items in this office when I had come across a contraption that was unlike anything I had ever seen. There were so many buttons and dials, I wondered if it was some sort of computer.

"Colonel O'Neill?" I didn't take me eyes off the strange device as I called for the Colonel, relying on the sound of his footsteps to tell me when he was close. "What…what is the purpose of this artefact?" I was usually good at figuring stuff like that out…when I had been given the opportunity to…but I didn't know where to start with this object.

"This…" Jack smiled as he pointed to the device, "Is a See Dee player."

At this point I was totally confused and it must have shown on my face because Colonel O'Neill laughed and rolled his eyes.

"It plays music."

I was still totally bewildered and the Colonel's eyes widened slightly when I still didn't comprehend.

"Music." He repeated, as if this was something totally obvious and I suddenly felt extremely stupid. "Ah come off it, Quinn. You must've heard music before." I just shook my head utterly confused. I had no idea what he was talking about.

The Colonel gave a sound of disbelief, "You're serious ain't you?" I just nodded, very curious to find out what this music was and what it did. "Well…" He shrugged pressed a button, with a triangular marking, on the device. "I guess the best way is just to let you hear it for yourself." And as he finished his sentence the device began to emit a noise. It was like a sort of…I don't know. I couldn't describe it. And as other sounds joined the first I just stood transfixed as this beautiful noise filled the room. I was breathing fast and shallowly not wanting the noise of my breathing to disrupt this wonderful…music. As the sounds increased I could hear my breath hitch in my chest and I sank to my knees, my face wet with tears – how could anything sound this beautiful? I was…floating on the rise and fall of the music. I wasn't sure how long the wonderful experience lasted for but I was left speechless when the sounds finally dimmed to silence.

I didn't even move until Colonel O'Neill squatted down beside me and cupped my chin.

"You alright, kiddo?"

I just nodded in response, reliving the wonderful music over and over again in my mind. It was a few seconds before I could speak and all I could manage was a stuttered.

"I…I…that was…"

Colonel O'Neill just laughed softly and pulled me to my feet. "That was music, Quinn."

I nodded, filing that away in my memory. I desperately wanted to hear more of this music but Colonel O'Neill made no move to press the triangular marked button again and I was so grateful that I had been allowed to hear it once that I didn't dare ask again.

It sounds stupid to be afraid after what the Colonel had said to me but it's a fact that under stress we start to rely on our instincts. My instincts had been beaten into me – obey the master and keep quiet.

"**_What the frack did you just say?" I whimpered as my master descended on me, belt in hand._**

"_**I…I asked for…a- a blanket." I managed to stammer out as I backed away into the wall, "Please…I'm sorry. I'm sorry…I I-I just…so cold." It was cold…so very cold that my shivering was more from cold than fear.**_

"_**How the frack dare you ask me for something? You get what you're given!" A swish of his belt and pain exploded across my torso. The heat of the weal was like a flame against my hypothermic skin and I couldn't choke back my scream. **_

"_**You drag me out here into this fracking freezing weather for nothing?" Another blow and I managed to protect myself with my arms this time – surprising considering the sluggish state of my almost-numb limbs.**_

"_**What's it gonna take for you to learn, 23? His hands around my throat. "You get what I give you and if you don't like it…" My head slammed into the wall and pain explodes in the back of my skull. "I got news for you, you fracking kelownan. No one gives a damn what you want. You just fracking tough it out!" My head connects with the wall again and this time brings unconsciousness.**_

"Quinn? Quinn!" I could hear the faint voice in my ears getting louder and I jerked in surprise, my hands flying up to defend my head as I tried to back away – only to find myself already in a corner. I had no idea how I had got there. I could hear my harsh, rapid breathing as I pulled my knees up to my chest, shying away from the voice.

"Quinn…Quinn…do you know who I am?"

I listened to the voice and tried to concentrate as my eyes swirled grey with fear. I knew the answer to this one.

"Master."

A shocked gasp caused me to flinch back. I was right wasn't I? That's what I suppose to say, wasn't it?

"No. No Quinn…look at me." I felt a hand gently pushing my arms down and I tried to focus through my teary eyes. I recognised the face before me I just…I just couldn't remember who it was. "Do you know me? Do you know where you are?"

I looked around the room and words…memories began to float into my confused brain – one word in particular stood out more than the others.

"Jonas." I said quietly and the man before me nodded slowly.

"That's right, we're in Jonas' office and I'm Colonel O'Neill."

"Colonel O…" I trailed off as things started to make a little more sense some of the grey in my eyes filtered away. "I ah…" I rubbed my eyes before looking around the room a little more. "Why am I in the corner?"

Jack gave a little smile at that but his face grew serious quickly. "You had a flashback, Quinn." He said and I realised he hadn't taken his hand off my arm. I liked the contact, it was comforting.

"Oh…" I looked away. "I'm sorry." I could feel my cheeks flush with embarrassment.

"Hey…hey no, don't be sorry." His voice had taken on that soft tone he always used when I was frightened. "You had me worried for a bit there." He stroked my arm a little and I knew he was trying to stop me drifting into another flashback. "You still with me?" He asked and I nodded a little sluggishly. As much as I wanted to speak I just couldn't seem to get my brain to work fast enough. It was like I was underwater and nothing would move quickly enough.

I still had enough coherence to look up at the sound of someone opening the door and I know Colonel O'Neill felt me tense in fear – my mind still half in my memories.

"Easy….It's okay – this is Teal'c, he's a friend."

I fought to keep my breathing calm as I looked up at the towering man above me.

"Teal'c – this is Quinn." The man inclined his head in a bow and I tried to return the greeting, only managing a kind of nod. "We…ah…we had a bit of a moment." Colonel O'Neill grinned sheepishly and I bowed my head. Colonel O'Neill was embarrassed of me. This brought with it both shame and anger. Shame that I hadn't been able to keep my mind in the present and that I was so afraid of my memories. But also anger that Colonel O'Neill was ashamed of me – he didn't know what I had just relived, didn't understand how frightening it was. I fought to keep my eyes green even as I burned with resentment. What did he know anyway?

It was with perhaps more force than was necessary that I jerked my arm away from him and stood up. Then Teal'c spoke and from his first words I knew this was a man I wanted to be friends with very much.

"There is no need to be embarrassed, Quinn – flashbacks perturb even the strongest individuals."

I think I gave a little gasp at this and decided almost immediately that I liked this man before nodding my agreement to his previous statement.

"It is nice to meet you Quinn of Kelowna." He continued with a smile and I smiled back slightly.

"I…It's nice to meet you too Teal'c."

He smiled again and bowed his head before turning to Colonel O'Neill.

"I came to inform you that Quinn's quarters are ready." I jumped at this. Quarters? Quarters of what? I think it was the fact that Teal'c answered my next question without even looking at me that gave me the idea that maybe he was an alien to Earth too.

"It is a term for accommodation." He explained without even shifting his eyes to glance at my confused face. The only reason I could think of that he would know that I was confused was that perhaps the word had also confused Teal'c at some point.

For some reason the thought of another alien on Earth gave me comfort. It's stupid considering how nice the people of the planet had been…well most of them; How kind and patient they had been in explaining things to me; How they had done everything to make me feel welcome despite the fact I was an uninvited guest. Yet I _still _felt somewhat out of place surrounded by people who understood perfectly what it was to be an Earthling. I suppose it didn't make me feel so lonely being an outsider if there was going to be another person on the outside with me.

"What do you say Quinn? Want to see your new place?" Colonel O'Neill's question brought me back to the present and set my brain off on another chain of thoughts. Accomodation – a place to stay. I smiled at that word, stay. I was going to STAY. Not leave, not go back to the world from my flashbacks but to stay. The thought comforted me so much I didn't care if I was to be sleeping outside chained to a wall like the home from my flashback.

The quarters that greeted me after my short, and somewhat wobbly, walk however were very different from a chain and a wall. They were very different from…anywhere I had ever lived. They were…

"Huge…" I whispered without realising and I felt Colonel O'Neill ruffle my hair. I didn't understand the meaning of this gesture but I was too distracted with trying to get my stunned brain to order my feet to cross the threshold.

Once inside I let my eyes roam over the rooms. There was a table in the centre with a bowl of some sort of food on it, a bed in the corned with blankets – an adjoining room led to a bathroom with a bath AND shower and a toilet. There was even a small food preparation area.

"H…how…" I could barely spare the concentration to stammer out a single sentence to Colonel O'Neill so enraptured was I with this new development. "How many others will be sharing these…quarters?" I didn't take my eyes off my surroundings but I heard him chuckle before he leaned down and whispered in my ear.

"No one kiddo. This is just for you. This is your…" And it was the next word that snapped me out of my shocked stupor and into an equally mind bewildering happiness.

"…your home"

**AN: So, we didn't get too far plotwise - but he met Teal'c, that's really what I wanted to cover in this chapter. And also start to get Quinn learning about Earth culture. I hope you enjoyed it :) **


	7. Comparisons

**AN: Okay, my exams are done and I'm back doing the important things in life - writing Stargate fanfiction XD I hope this chapter is worth the wait and that my writing skills haven't got rusty (if indeed I had any in the first place XD)**

You would think one such as myself would have enjoyed being alone. That I would have enjoyed the lock that kept me safe from the strange aliens behind the door. You would think that I would have loved being alone in the peace and tranquillity of my new home. And I thought that too – until I actually came to be in that situation.

At first I revelled in the size of my new dwelling. I lay on the floor spread-eagled and none of my limbs touched a wall – it was heaven. And as I closed my eyes and exhaled deeply I could feel the slight headache I had felt building start to dissipate – the thick walls of my new home blocking out the hustle and bustle of the busy SGC.

And I did enjoy it….for a while.

I was quite happy to rearrange the coverings on my bed for a while but that quickly became pointless. I spent some time stacking the books Major Carter had leant me on my new bookshelf but there was only four and only so many ways four books can be positioned on a 3 shelf bookcase.

But it wasn't boredom that made me feel uncomfortable. After spending a lot of my life locked, alone in a dark room this place was a haven of stimulation and there were far too many thoughts and questions buzzing around in my brain to allow me to feel bored.

No, for once this was an emotion I could recognise easily – loneliness. Whilst I knew the Earthlings had left me here to sleep and to get used my new home I couldn't help the feeling of abandonment that simmered in me. I knew it was an irrational feeling and that just made me feel worse.

I could hear muffled sounds of conversation through the room's thick walls and my eyes strayed over to the door. It would be so easy to just walk over and open it – to step out into the hubbub of the SGC, where someone, anyone might notice me and perhaps ease this feeling of isolation. Yet it was so very hard as well. I frowned a little as my brain began processing scenarios, the worst possible ones. This strategic ability had served me well through my life back on Kelowna, keeping me alive with a lot of masters who wanted me dead. The situation was not so dire here but I still couldn't stop the steady flow of thoughts echoing in my head. Had Colonel O'Neill given me permission to leave? Would I be able to find my way back? What if I was being kept here for a reason?

Yet I knew every problem I thought of was really just an excuse to mask the real problem – that I was afraid to go out there alone. The stares of the cooks still bored holes in the back of my mind, haunting my every choice. How did I know that others wouldn't react in a similar way? Colonel O'Neill had been there that time, people might not be so afraid to get physical if he wasn't present. And yet as I thought of the Colonel I could see his determined face and I tried to school my features into the same expression. Colonel O'Neill wouldn't be frightened in this situation. Colonel O'Neill would tackle his fears head on.

And I wanted to be like that – I really did. And as I walked over to the metal door, my hand only mere centimetres from the door handle I knew if I didn't face this fear I would always think of myself as weak.

And perhaps after all that emotional build up I was expecting something a little more dramatic to happen once I stepped out of the room than simply hearing the door slam shut behind me. There was no one about in the corridor and therefore no one to even notice my entrance. I had kind of been counting on my fear being there in order for me to face it. Now faced with an empty corridor I realised a rather sad truth – I had nowhere to go.

I was considering which of the 3 directions I should pick to travel in when a female voice interrupted my thoughts.

"Jonas!"

I span around at the voice, it was excited yet confused at the same time. My slightly greying eyes were met with the sight of a beautiful young woman in civilian clothes. Her eyes were wide with surprise and her face held a wide yet confused smile.

"Oh my God! Jonas, you're back! I don't believe it!"

It soon hit me with sickening clarity exactly what this young woman was thinking as she raced towards me – her handbag discarded on the floor, the contents spilled everywhere as she advanced towards me. I anted to step back, away from her but I couldn't seem to move. I was frozen as if this was a dream, or nightmare perhaps.

"I can't believe you're alright! Oh God Jonas…"

I felt her arms fall round my shoulders in an embrace as she pulled my face close to hers. I could feel her tears against my cheek as she whispered in my ear.

"I'm so glad you're okay."

It was at this point I finally got my thoughts together enough to speak but all I managed to stammer out was.

"…No…"

"Jonas?" I felt her body tense as she pulled back, looking me straight in the eyes. It was then she noticed the scars on my face and her expression quickly turned from confusion to horror as she reached out a slender hand to trace the old wounds.

"Oh God, Jonas. What did she do to you?"

"I…" I jerked my head away sharply, knowing I didn't deserve this compassion. Knowing I _had _to tell this person the truth, no matter how much it would hurt them.

"I…I'm not Jonas." My voice was strained as I swallowed past a lump in my throat and I saw the woman's eyebrows knit together in a frown. How was I supposed to explain this situation to her when I barely understood it myself?

"Jonas, what?" She was still frowning but smiling slightly – it broke my heart to see her still clinging to that desperate hope. "What are you talking about?"

"I…Jonas Quinn…he-I'm not…" I took a deep, shuddering breath, trying to relax enough to explain myself.

"Jonas, Sweety, maybe we should take you to Doctor Fraiser…"

Her voice was gentle but her sudden grip on my hand was firm. I knew what she thought. She thought that I, Jonas to her, was mentally unstable. My next comment of-

"I'm from another reality."

Didn't help matters much either as she pulled me towards the infirmary with a reply of

"Yes of course you are."

It was then that I saw Major Carter again for the first time since Jonas' office. Her eyes were red and puffy and I could tell she had cried some more since I had told her about Kelowna. I couldn't bear to listen to the confused comments of the young woman who was so convinced her friend had been found and I accepted the books Major Carter had been carrying wordlessly and stumbled back to my room, not bothering to listen to her instructions.

And as I closed the door to my room behind me and slumped down against the cold, harsh steel, the books scattered about my feet I cried for the very first time since this whole thing happened. I cried for the first time in a very long while. This time there was no punishment for my tears – just the overwhelming feeling of isolation and guilt, ten times stronger than when I had walked out that door only….I glanced up at the clock…ten minutes previously. Ten minutes? Was that all it took for me to destroy someone's happiness. Guilt was another emotion unfamiliar to me and I decided it was worse than any of the others yet.

I didn't move from that spot for nearly half an hour. I was content to just sit and cry, it was as if the emotions I had built up over the last 6 years came out and I allowed myself a little self-indulgence as I shed tears about how life was always so unfair, no matter what reality you were in.

If it wasn't for Colonel O'Neill knocking on the door I might not have moved at all that night.

As I heard the knocking at the door, I furiously wiped away my tears and tried to force my eyes to their normal green. It was no use of course, knowing Colonel O'Neill you all know he saw right through it the minute I opened the door, and I could his eyes shimmer sadly as he moved to sit down beside me against the door once I had closed it.

"Sam tells me you had a bit of an incident." He started as I sat down beside him but his voice wasn't angry or accusing – if anything he sounded upset for _me_. I nodded sadly, feeling the guilt I had manage to forget about with my tears rise up again.

"I just wanted to meet people." I sighed mournfully. "I…I thought everyone here knew…"

"I know kiddo. I know you did. Most people _do_." He assured me. "Nurse Rush has just been on holiday this past week. She just came back right now."

"Back to…_this_." I gestured angrily at myself. "I…" I turned to the Colonel wanting to confess, to get rid of some of gnawing guilt. "Colonel…Jack…I- I thought about pretending to be him."

I was expecting an uproar from Colonel O'Neill about the very idea that I would consider pretending to be Jonas but instead he just smiled wisely.

"I know you did, Kiddo – of course you did."

I frowned at this causing Jack to smile even more.

"It's because you're a **_good _**person, Quinn. You don't like to see people upset and suffering." He explained as he patted me on the shoulder.

"I wanted to make her happy again." I explained in agreement. "I didn't want to be…to be the reason someone was unhappy."

"That's where you and Jonas are so alike you see." He explained and I sighed quietly. "But in the end you did what he would have done, you picked the right choice, you didn't pretend because you knew it would hurt her more in the long run, right?"

I just nodded and then sighed again glumly.

"What's up?" The Colonel seemed confused by my sudden depression and I felt a little selfish gladness that for once he wasn't able to read me like an open book.

"I…sometimes I…I wish people wouldn't compare me with him all the time." The Colonel gave a small chuckle and I frowned angrily that he would find my depression funny.

"What?" I snapped angrily and The Colonel shook his head and replied.

"It's too ironic."

I frowned a little, I didn't really understand the concept of irony and I felt my anger dissipate a little, replaced again by curiosity and a little humour at the Colonel's wry smile.

"Tell me." I said although it was a request, I wasn't brave enough yet to order the Colonel around.

"You promise you won't hit me?" It was a joke, but the idea was so absurd I couldn't help snorting with laughter.

"I promise."

"Well…" The Colonel started with a fake-nervous sigh. "What you said about people comparing you – that's exactly what Jonas used to say about someone else." He pretended to flinch but even I could see the funny side and all of a sudden I was laughing. It felt good to laugh after all those tears and I felt my anger disappear as I asked.

"Who?"

This time I could see the Colonel's eyes grow a little sad as he got to feet and pulled me to mine.

"Come on." He said, opening the door as I picked up my books, "It's about time you learned about another friend of the SGC."

**AAN (Another Author's Note): I was re-reading this story to get a better idea of how to continue and I stumbled upon a really awful and humilliating thing. This fanfic is FULL of typos and missed words. I mean overflowing with them! I'm really sorry I inflict such bad typing on you all. If anyone out there reading this enjoys proofreading I'll become your new best friend! XD**


	8. Selfishness

**AN: Hello to anyone reading this, it's Quinn time again, hopefully with less typos thanks to my squeaky new Beta (I have a beta dances) - go read her Shran stories, they rock! (but after you read mine XD jk)**

**This is a bit of a squicky chapter and has a flashback of child abuse. Hopefully the next chapter won't be so waffly.**

I was a little afraid to step out from my room again after the recent events but I squared my jaw and took a deep breath – I had faced this fear once, I could do it again and this time Colonel O'Neill was with me. Thankfully, we didn't meet a lot of people and I relaxed a little on the walk, hugging my books to my chest, happy that I was allowed to take them with me.

It wasn't until we entered the lift and Colonel O'Neill pressed the button to take us to the top floor that I frowned and felt my contented mood slip a little. This was the way to the exit of the SGC, to the surface of the planet.

"C-colonel O'Neill?" I fought to remain calm, trusting the Colonel to keep me safe and yet I couldn't suppress the nagging doubt in my mind. Maybe this was a punishment for upsetting Nurse Rush – maybe I was to sleep outside tonight. I sighed, that was okay. I deserved it.

"Huh?" The Colonel looked at my quizzically but I just shook my head sadly, having figured it out.

"It doesn't matter." I said quietly and the Colonel just placed a comforting arm round my shoulder.

"It's alright, kiddo." He said, squeezing my upper arm. "There's nothing to be afraid of."

So, I figured, no nocturnal creatures - that was good. I wondered how cold the planet was at night, how many moons there were, what the constellations would look like – if you could even see stars from this place. I hoped so. During those long, freezing nights the stars had been my only comfort as I felt my body succumb to the familiar state of hypothermia. As I had lain there, numb and helpless, my thoughts twisted to delusions by the cold, the stars had seemed to melt into one bright light. And, for some reason, it wasn't so bad anymore and I could almost imagine there was someone watching out for me, caring about me. I couldn't think who or what that might be but it had helped me a little.

"OK, kiddo."

I pulled myself back to the present as Colonel O'Neill and I stepped out of the lift. The Colonel placed his and on my shoulder and bent his knees a little so he was staring me in the eyes. I knew this meant I had concentrate on what he was saying.

"We're gonna go outside now." He started and I nodded in understanding. I already knew this but I was glad he was willing to explain what he was going to do. Perhaps I would know how long I would be outside for - that might make the night a little better.

"We won't go too far and you won't have to talk to anyone. It's best if you don't say anything for now, alright? You do know, you can't mention the Stargate or the quantum mirror if we see any civilians? It's vital that you keep it a secret."

I nodded firmly, clenching my fist.

"I won't tell them anything, Colonel." I promised. "Even if they torture me."

The Colonel winced at this and then ruffled my hair.

"Good kid." He smiled sadly. "But it won't come to that. Just stick by me and you'll be fine."

I nodded and straightened at the command.

"Yes Sir." I replied strongly and then faltered. Stick by Colonel O'Neill….Did that mean? "S-sir?" I ventured timidly and the Colonel nodded. "Will….will you be sleeping outside too?"

There was nothing that could have prepared me for the look in the Colonel's eyes as he heard my sentence. He swallowed heavily and looked like he was about to be sick.

"No!" He shook his head violently and I took a frightened step back.

"I-I didn't me-mean to…"

"God, Quinn." I was near helpless as he pulled me close to him. "Is that really what you think of me? You think I'd drag you all the way up here and make you sleep _outside_!" His voice was saturated with disbelief and I suddenly felt very sick as I realised I might have made a terrible mistake. "It's Winter and it's night time…Quinn, it's freezing out there!"

"But…I…deserve it. I upset…th-the Nurse."

"Fucking Hell..."

I had no idea what that meant but it was delivered with such a sense of weariness and frustration that I knew I had upset the Colonel deeply.

"Don't you know by now that's not how we do things here? You know I'd never do that to Teal'c or Sam, don't you?"

I nodded earnestly.

"I…I know that, Sir…but…"

"But what, kiddo?" His voice was softer now as he took in the extent of my distress.

"But they're not slaves."

I only dared deliver it in a whisper, somehow knowing that it would upset the Colonel but I had to tell him why I thought these things. I knew he wasn't a cruel man, I knew he would never treat another person that way. But I wasn't exactly a person was I?

"Dammit, Quinn." I felt him sigh, a weary, exhausted sigh and that guilty feeling was back. I hated causing people this much sorrow. I just didn't understand what to say sometimes. Doctor Janet had said I should say what was on my mind but…look where being honest and asking questions got me. If I had just stayed silent…

"Look. I know you get a pretty screwed up idea of what's going on and what people mean sometimes…" O'Neill's voice was quieter now and had lost some of it's shocked edge from before.

"And it's brave of you to talk about it. It can't be an easy thing to deal with and it ain't good for ya to keep that all cooped up in there."

Jack tapped the side of my head with his index finger.

"It's just, we don't have things like this on our planet and…the things that have been done to you, Quinn, are horrific by Earth standards so sometimes what you're thinking takes me and Carter and all the others by surprise."

"Oh." I murmured quietly as I thought over the Colonel's words. "I-it's all I've ever known." I tried to explain. "It's hard to think of things being different."

The Colonel's eyes grew sad at this and he looked away slightly. I sighed.

"It's alright." I tried to reassure him, trying to mimic the cheerful tone he often. "I won't talk about it again." I promised but this just made him sigh and I frowned. What was I supposed to do? Major Carter had made it clear that sexual favours weren't wanted.

"Fer cryin' out loud, Quinn." I winced at the Colonel's tone but I was glad he was finally speaking again. I wasn't used to him being silent for so long.

"Don't you ever think of being just a little bit selfish?"

I frowned intensely at this question.

"Selfish, Sir? Why…why would I want…" I just trailed off, unable to figure out the Colonel's trail of thought.

"What I mean is…You always think of other people before yourself – it wouldn't do you any harm to think of your own needs once in a while ya know?"

I just swallowed and then shook my head a fraction – as much as I dared. I saw the Colonel's brow furrow with concern but his eyes prompted me to speak.

"But that's not what I was made for, Sir."

**_I needed water. My throat hurt so much I wanted to cry but my body was about the equivalent of a 5 year old Earth child at this stage and I knew it would only result in another punishment. I already bore scars from many other beatings and I felt so sick and weak I didn't think I would survive another. But it was when the trainer handed me a glass of ice cool water that I really struggled not to cry. This must be some sort of reward and that meant I had been good. For once I had been good and I felt happy despite the dizziness and headache I was feeling. I closed my eyes in anticipation as I lifted the glass to my lips and therefore never saw the trainer's hand smack me round the back of the head. I felt it though as it sent me tumbling to the ground. My ears were ringing from the impact and I only just heard the glass smash. The sound however cut straight through me. The water! The water had gone. I couldn't hold back the tears of frustration this time as I turned to the guard with wide, desperate eyes that pleaded 'why?'._**

"_**You're supposed to ASK if anyone else wants the water first you selfish bastard! You're a kelownan, your needs come last!" **_

_**I cringed at the words. I thought I had been good…I thought it was a reward. I didn't say any of this, I just sniffed and choked out the words.**_

"_**I'm sorry, Sir." Through a dry throat.**_

"_**Now, we will try again." He said handing me another glass and I gazed at the contents longingly, closing my eyes and trying my best to speak.**_

"_**W-would anyone like this water, Sirs?" I squeezed my eyes closed, praying the answer would be no but instead I was greeting with the smug voice of the trainer.**_

"_**Why yes I would, thank you, 0823." When I opened my eyes to look at him he was smirking and I couldn't hold back a sob. Why? Why give it to me if he just wanted it back? Why were they doing this to me? What had I done? I turned my face away as the guard took a long, slow gulp of the water and then poured the rest slowly onto the floor in front of me. **_

"_**Perhaps if you'd got it right the first time '23 I wouldn't have had to do that." **_

_**I just nodded, staring desperately at the water, another blow and I was back on the floor.**_

"_**Thank me for teaching you a lesson!"**_

_**I flinched back from the guard and kept my eyes rooted on the floor as I mumbled.**_

"_**Thank you for teaching me not to be selfish, Sir."**_

"Come on, Quinn, stay with me."

A hand on the back of my head jolted me out of the flashback and I flinched away from it instinctively.

"Please, I'm sorry, I'll ask first next time!" I could feel my chest heaving as I stumbled away from Colonel O'Neill – feeling every bit like that little child from my flashback. I gasped when I felt the cold, metal wall against my back and I felt myself start trembling.

"Quinn, come on – stick with me." My body stiffened automatically at the command and I slowly started to calm a little though I was still breathing harshly with shock.

"Come on, settle down, it's okay, Quinn."

The Colonel was approaching me slowly and I nodded jerkily to try and show I knew who he was and what was happening.

"Alright. Easy does it." He soothed pulling me into a hug and I allowed myself to relax a little in the sturdiness of his embrace.

"I just wanted a drink of water." I tried to explain, "I wasn't being selfish." I wanted him to see, to understand.

"I was good. I wanted to be good."

"Alright, alright." He soothed, although I now realised he just wanted to calm me down. "Jesus, Quinn…" I could hear him whisper as I clutched his jacket in my fists. "…what's going on there?" I felt his finger and my temple again and I just shook my head as I moved out of his arms.

"Please, Jack, Sir – I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to remember anymore. Please…I don't want to…I don't…don't make me talk about it."

"Hey, slow down there. I'm not a shrink you know." A slight laugh and I immediately felt a little better. The Colonel was laughing, I had no idea what a shrink was but if it made him happy and meant I didn't have to talk about my past again then it was a good thing.

"Thank you, Colonel O'Neill." I sighed with relief.

"Alright, you still want to go outside? You look like you could use a bit of fresh air."

I could still go outside even if I didn't have to sleep there? Even after upsetting Colonel O'Neill?

"Yes, Sir. Yes please."

The Colonel just smiled and ruffled my hair, now I knew he was back in his good mood.

"Alright kiddo, time to bust out of here."

**AAN: Also, I wanted to saythanks to resurgamlaura for your helpful reviews becuase you don;t sign them and I feel bad not replying XD Thanks to everyone who's reviewed so far, if ya feel like dropping me a review for this chapter (was it too waffly) that'd be nice! So yeah, I'm off now... **


	9. Chapter 9

**AN: It's another boring chapter I'm afraid guys :( But I promise to try andstart moving in the direction of the plot soon. Special thanks to my beta Night's Darkness and to everyone that's reviewed! **

**The usual wanrings apply.**

The shock of being outside for the first time in weeks hitall mysenses. I could smell the hint of rain in the air and hear the chirping of animals whose appearances I could only guess at. The change from concrete floor to a surface I later came to know as tarmac and then to grass was a strange feeling and yet it was the sight of the stars that took my breath away most of all - there were hundreds of them.

I suppose, you're used to seeing them but I had only even seen ten or eleven stars in the sky at any one time. The pollution from factories and war had clogged the kelownan sky and obscured all but the brightest of them. And, for the time of night, the planet was so bright and I turned to see a half moon radiating light.

"It's beautiful…" Was all I could gasp out and I felt Colonel O'Neill's hand on my shoulder.

"Yep, you're right, kiddo. And we take it for granted far more than we should."

"We?" I asked, knowing I would never take such a place as this for granted.

"Earthlings…Tau'ri." He replied and I nodded.

"People often don't realise how good their life is unless they've experienced something worse."

I stated and the Colonel turned to me, nodding a little.

"I think you're right, Quinn." He sighed as he sat down against the wall of the entrance to Cheyenne Mountain and pulled an envelope out of his pocket, handing me a photograph.

"This is who I came here to tell you about."

I frowned softly as I traced the face of the man in the photograph with my fingertips. He had brown hair though it was a shade darker than my own. He wore glasses, which I supposed might have added to the appearance of age, but he looked younger than Colonel O'Neill.

"That's Daniel Jackson." The Colonel told me and I nodded, searching his eyes for a second, before asking a question I already knew the answer to.

"He's dead too?"

The Colonel nodded and then paused, closing his eyes.

"Basically."

I just looked away, knowing there was nothing I could say to lessen the pain.

"He's still out there…ascended." The Colonel continued, gesturing to the sky, and I made a mental note ask someone what being ascended was. "But I watched him die in front of me."

I got the sense the Colonel was hiding things from me but I didn't want to press any further. Instead I just looked up sadly at him and replied.

"I watched my best friend die too."

The Colonel froze at this and his eyes narrowed a little.

"I never said he was my best friend."

I jerked a little at his tone and shifted away a few inches.

"No, Quinn, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap at ya" He shook his head a little. "But how did you know he was my best friend?"

I just swallowed, still a little afraid, and replied.

"Your eyes…your voice. They're the same as Doctor Janet's when she talks about Jonas – the same as mine when I think about, 0746." I trailed off.

"He…she…was a friend of yours?"

I managed a weak laugh at the Colonel's understandable confusion of my dead friend's gender and looked up to the stars as I spoke.

"She…" I mumbled. "Girls are always even numbers." I watched the Colonel wince again and I sighed.

"If…if she was here I would call her Carter." I swallowed the lump in my throat. "If Major Carter would a-allow it." I felt tears, that I had promised I wouldn't shed, build up in my eyes and I felt Jack close the distance I had build up between us.

"I'm sure she would be honoured."

"**Stop it! Leave her alone!" I was 5 Earth years old now and despite the strength of my new adult body I still couldn't break the chains that bound me to the wall. My wrists were scratched and bloody from where I had tugged against the cuffs but I was still no closer to reaching my injured friend as our new master pulled his leg back for another kick to her head.**

"**No, stop it, please! Hurt me instead! Please, leave her alone!"**

**Her body had long since sopped moving but her eyes were still blinking and flickering. She was still alive.**

"**Please, Master! I-I'll take the punishment for whatever she's done. Just stop hurting her…please…" I trailed off as my view was obscured by tears but I felt my heart skip a beat as the Master dragged my friend over to me by her blonde hair and held her up so her eyes were staring straight into mine. It was a moment where time didn't seem to be flowing at all, there was just me, 46 and the silence.**

**The silence that was shattered by the sound of a neck breaking as my master twisted my friend's head to a lethal angle. And, as her features grew slack and her grey eyes filtered to blue in death, I screamed. And I don't remember how I ever managed to stop.**

And although the feel of Colonel O'Neill's solid body kept me grounded throughout the flashback all I managed to say to him was.

"I screamed when he snapped her neck."

But somehow he seemed to understand and he sighed before admitting,

"I screamed inside."

I sighed, leaning my head against his shoulder, my earlier panic forgotten as I drew calm from the stars overhead.

"A lot of my friends died…"I whispered quietly, trying my best not to cry as people and faces I hadn't thought of for years surfaced in my mind. "But…it doesn't get any easier…" I was just mumbling now, enjoying the fact that there was someone I could talk to who would listen and understand.

"I know it doesn't, Quinn." Jack said as he pulled out another photo, and handed it to me.

"This was Major Kawalsky, a very old friend of mine. He was killed by one of our enemies from another planet." He explained and I saw his eyes flash with hatred.

"Was it the Goa'uld?" I asked and I felt his shoulder tense through the contact of our arms.

"When we first met them… How do you know about them, Quinn?"

"Sam gave me some of Doctor Jackson's notes to read when I was in the infirmary." I explained before shivering. "They sound like my old…owners."

The Colonel gave another shudder but still passed me another photo.

"This was Daniel's wife, Sha're. She was taken as a host by the goa'uld and then killed."

I felt my eyes go black with anger at the list of these deaths that had hurt the people I had come to care about.

Jack noticed this and placed his hand over my own which I didn't realise had clenched into a fist.

"Daniel had that same passion for destroying them." He started, "He got that look in his eyes that you have right now every time he heard about them and he was just as selfless as you are."

I just nodded in reply to show I understood but the worry in his eyes made me anxious.

"But it was that passion and selflessness that got him killed, Quinn and I don't want that to happen to you. We've already lost Daniel and Jonas…to loose you as well would rip us apart."

I just frowned. I didn't understand.

"Us?" I asked, curious to know who would mistake my existence for something meaningful.

"Carter, Teal'c, Janet…" A pause, "…Me."

"But I…I'm expendable." The movement was so fast even my advanced eyes never saw it coming as the colonel moved to kneel in front of me, his hands digging into my shoulders.

"Goddammit Quinn, I do NOT want to hear you say that. You are NOT expendable." He gave my shoulders a little shake as he raised his voice. "You listening?"

I nodded and replied "Yes Sir." But my head was still ringing with the voice of the trainer _'You're a kelownan, your needs come last_."

"Listen Quinn, Daniel died sacrificing his life for other people. For Jonas' people."

I felt my eyes widen at this and replied solemnly.

"Then it was a noble death?" I asked and The Colonel just sighed.

"Just…don't get any ideas. Alright?"

I just looked to the side, glad of the slight cover of darkness to hide my slight frown.

"But, you would die for Major Carter or Teal'c." I insisted. I needed him to understand – I had been conditioned to give my life for an Andari or Teranian without even thinking about it. And I was sure Colonel O'Neill would give his life for one of his teammates.

"It doesn't matter what **I **would do, Quinn."

His avoidance of my question confirmed it and I sighed.

"Yes Sir." But I was lying and I think he knew it.

"Jack…sir?" I wanted to change the subject and I coughed nervously as I handed him back the photographs and he nodded as we stood up.

"Do you…I mean…If it's possible…there was…"

"Quinn!" There was a smile spreading across his face and I realised I must have sounded I nervous as I felt.

"Do you think, I could have a photo of…you and Major Carter and…everyone?" I ask as loud as I dared before looking down and mumbling, "Like Jonas…"

When I looked back up he was smiling and he clapped me on the shoulder as we started to walk inside.

"Oh I think we can manage that." He grinned. "It's about time you made some memories here."


	10. Curiosity

**AN: Hello guys and gals and hi to the new people who've added this to their alert lists, I'm glad you're enjoying the story enough to want to follow it. Anyway, this chapter might be a bit dull and I struggle to write Teal'c which might show but I hope you enjoy it anyway. :D**

It was late that night when I returned to my quarters and I smiled as climbed onto my cot, wrapping the blankets around me and sighing in pleasure at the feel of the soft pillow under my head. I wasn't used to luxury like this and before I knew it I was asleep. I now realise it's much easier to fall asleep in a bed than on a cold stone floor.

In fact, I didn't wake until ten O' clock the following morning and even then only because Teal'c was knocking on the door. It took me a minute, as I sat up and rubbed the sleep from my eyes to remember exactly where I was and another minute to remember that Teal'c couldn't just enter because I had locked the door. This was another thing that made me smile, the lock had kept me safe from anyone who might've wanted to come in my room at night. I was safe in this place.

"Good morning, Teal'c." I greeted as I opened the door, surprised to see he was carrying a tray.

"Good morning, Quinn." He greeted me with a polite nod and I paused before remembering – this was my space now. I was supposed to tell people if they were allowed in or not.

"I…w-would you like to come in?" I asked and the reply of,

"Thank you, Quinn." Made me feel guilty for my delay.

I sighed guiltily as Teal'c placed the tray of what appeared to be food down on the table.

"I'm sorry I didn't invite you in sooner, Teal'c." I looked at the floor as I spoke but Teal'c's voice forced me to look up.

"You have no need to bow your head to me, Quinn of Kelowna. You are a brave warrior, keep your head high."

I nodded at this but it was a struggle not to drop my gaze down the floor. I'd been trained to be submissive but programmed to obey orders. I managed to keep eye contact though and I smiled a little as Teal'c's brown eyes softened somewhat.

"There is no need for any apologies. I have lived in this place for six years and still unwise to many of it's ways."

I just nodded, slightly unbelieving – Teal'c seemed very well integrated in this culture to me although I didn't plan on arguing with him. Instead I turned my attention to the tray Teal'c had set down on the table.

"I thought you might desire sustenance." I heard Teal'c explain and I turned to face him, "I wondered if I might be allowed to join you?"

I just nodded wordlessly, turning my attention back to the variety of foods on the table. I had slowly got used to not have to rely on scraps of food for meals and to getting to eat at the table. Even to sitting at the same level as SG-1 but never had I had food _brought _to me and never had I seen so many different types.

"I…that would be…sure." I nodded as I took my seat at the table, Teal'c taking his place opposite me.

I yawned as rubbed my eyes with the backs of my hands as I sat down and I was aware of my spiky hair looking even more unruly than normal as I stared through half lidded eyes at my reflection in the mirror.

"I-I'm sorry I didn't wake up earlier. I was up late last night."

"As I have said, Quinn, there is no need for an apology." The Jaffa told me and I swallowed, deciding it would be best if I didn't apologise again for a while. Instead I lifted something off the tray and held it up to better see it. It was round in shape and a light brown colour. The outside was hard yet as I applied pressure the surface cracked and revealed a softer centre.

"It is known as a bread roll."

Teal'c explained and I nodded my understanding before biting into it with a curiosity I hadn't allowed to surface for many years.

It was through this method of explanation and eating that I discovered I had a taste for Fruit Loops, toast, apples, strawberry jam, cornflakes, croissants, sausages, eggs and bacon. I also discovered the beverages of orange juice and tea to which I took an immediate liking.

In the relatively small pile of foods I didn't like lay a yellow crescent shaped fruit known as a banana and an oat based dish called porridge although these were still preferable to the scraps I had been fed in my old life.

I sighed contentedly as I leaned back in my seat and I could see Teal'c shoulders loosen a little - probably the closest a warrior like him ever came to relaxing – I reasoned. I would have been content to just sit and rest for a while but as my eyes flickered over the now empty tray I was drawn to a loose sheet of paper. I squinted to make out the markings they weren't Kelownan or English and I looked up to Teal'c, frowning a little.

"Is this another Earth language?" I asked thinking back to what I had learned in the base library. Whereas Kelowna had only four languages, Langaran –known as English on Earth, Kelownan, Andarian and Teranian, Earth had many. Colonel O'Neill had told me Daniel Jackson spoke 23 but my reading in the library had revealed many more.

"It is not." Teal'c replied, turning the paper for me to read but the strange markings meant very little to me. "It is a language known as Ancient." The Jaffa continued and I nodded slowly before tilting my head to one side.

"Then…it's really old?" I asked, frowning a little – I was used to Teal'c speaking in a dialect slightly different from my own but I had never known him to confuse an adjective with a noun before. Still…I reasoned, it was far more likely that it was I who had made the mistake than Teal'c.

"No. The language is known as Ancient. It was created by a race known as the Ancients." The Jaffa explained, a small smile twitching at his lips and I bowed my head feeling, not for the first time, incredibly naïve compared to the people in this facility.

"It is very complex." The Jaffa continued solemnly and I nodded although the markings meant nothing to me.

"Can these beings not teach it to you?" I asked, wondering if perhaps Jaffa were forbidden from learning as I had been in my old life.

"That would prove difficult, Quinn." I could see the slight smile appearing again. "The Ancients have been extinct for millennia."

"Oh." I raised my eyebrows. "Then it _is _really old." I said quietly, awed that a civilisation could have lived so long ago.

"Indeed." Teal'c intoned and I looked back to the paper.

"But if everyone who speaks it isdead then why are you learning it?" I frowned.

"The Ancients were technologically advanced and knowledge of the language is necessary to operate many of the devices we find on other worlds."

"I see." I nodded solemnly and then looked down to the paper on the table. "So what does this say?" I asked pointing to the text, my eyes alight with curiosity, but Teal'c's sudden serious…well, more serious than normal, expression caused me to immediately regret asking.

"I am afraid I cannot tell you that."

The simple reminder of my status as an outsider was enough to wipe any curiosity or excitement from my thoughts and I just managed to whisper,

"Oh."

And I realised I had jumped to conclusions yet again. I was expecting to be allowed to participate and be included but I had forgotten my place. And the voice from my earlier flashback echoed again,

"_You're a Kelownan, your needs come last!"_

It wasn't until I realised that Teal'c was speaking again that I managed to snap myself out of my miserable thoughts and I forced myself to listen to the Jaffa's deep voice that my unhappiness lifted a little.

"I cannot tell you because I do not know."

I looked up sharply and raised my eyebrows at this. I hadn't thought there was something these people were unable of doing. They always seemed so sure and confident in themselves and I had thought them capable of managing any challenge. Still…if they couldn't do it…

"Is it even possible to learn?" I asked, voicing the end of my trail of thoughts and Teal'c's raised eyebrows indicated he found my question confusing.

"I mean…if there's no dictionary or…anything…" I trailed off under the Jaffa's deep gaze suddenly not as confident in my thoughts as I had been just a few seconds ago.

"Both Daniel Jackson and Jonas Quinn became fluent in this language whilst they were on Earth."

The Jaffa replied but I couldn't seem to read his emotions – his face and body language were the same as always and I sighed, feeling frustrated at my ignorance – I had probably annoyed him. And yet, as I stared at the marks on the paper I now saw not just a sheet of meaningless symbols but a challenge, a puzzle to be solved and I gathered up all the trust and courage I had built up since my arrival in this reality as I raised my green eyes to Teal'c's and asked as strongly as I dared,

"Can I give it a go?"


	11. Chapter 11

**AN: Hello :) Another chapter here,turned out different to how I planned.Warnings include child abuse and suicide. **

The elation I felt at my request being granted was sweet yet short as my trained mind quickly began to apply itself to the task. I hadn't had much experience of academic learning since I was little and even then, only what was necessary to make me the perfect soldier.

I knew the basics of mathematics: how to calculate how long my bullets would take to reach their targets, how to recognise angles to within five degrees accuracy, how to judge at a distance whether a gap could be jumped or not – nothing like the complex equations Major Sam used at will.

My grasp of languages was even poorer, I learned the languages of the 3 nations in order to monitor communications and that was pretty much it. My memories of my teaching are a little hazy sometimes, most of the time we would learn these things late into the night after a ten hour day of field training and the resulting sluggishness of our thought processes was rewarded with the stinging slash of a belt.

So the idea of approaching a task by myself without having learned the theory beforehand was as terrifying as it was confusing. Yet, somehow knowing I wasn't going to be punished allowed me a little calm and I straightened my spine as I sat on the infirmary bed – I wasn't a little child any more, not by Kelownan standards anyway, I simply needed to pull myself together and approach this how I had been taught to approach other unknown threats.

"Quinn…Quinn?" A hand on front of my face caused my eyes to focus sharply and I flinched back partly in shock, partly expecting a blow.

"Quinn…" The voice was soft and concerned and accompanied by the little sigh that I had become accustomed to hearing whenever I had upset someone.

"Sorry, Doctor Janet." I swallowed, "I know you won't hit me." I assured her. "I was just thinking about…about when I was little." I tried to explain, "We…we can get on with my check up now…" I prompted as Doctor Janet hesitated.

"Quinn, I know you don't like to talk about your past." I froze at the doctor's tone even as she stroked the side of my face gently and I tensed in anticipation of the inevitable 'but' and what would follow it.

"But…" She started and I tried not to flinch at the word. "I think it might help you to deal with some of your memories if you talked them through with someone, a professional. We have trained counsellors at the SGC to help with problems like this."

"Problems like what?" I replied, my eyes narrowing as I felt an unexpected surge of anger at the idea that she would find me anything but perfect. However, as soon of the spark of anger had flared to life it just as quickly vanished as I remembered exactly where I was. People were _allowed _to be flawed here – it was almost expected.

"I'm sorry." I sighed again as I saw Doctor Janet's eyes widen at my unexpected outburst. "I know I'm a bit…" I shrugged as I searched for the right word, "…weird." I concluded, frowning when Doctor Janet's eyes start to water. And yet again I felt the spectre of Jonas Quinn hover over me as I knew I'd done something to remind her of him. Yet the only emotion I could manage to muster up was a weighted feeling of weariness. How was I ever supposed to make a life for myself here with people always looking at me and seeing _him_? I wasn't him. I was nothing like this reality's Jonas no matter what Colonel O'Neill or any of the others said.

I repeated as much to Doctor MacKenzie as I was forced to sit in his office and be 'counselled'. Despite my protests, Doctor Janet had decided it was the best thing for everyone if I attended some 'therapy'. I had only agreed because I was guilty of reminding her of Jonas yet again and for snapping at her. That didn't mean I wanted to cooperate with the black-haired, bushy-eyebrowed man one bit.

"I'm sensing a lot of anger in you when you talk about this, Quinn. Does it make you _feel _angry?" He asked in the annoying, slow tone of voice I had come to expect from this man.

"Well, my eyes aren't black." I grumbled, "So, I guess that means I'm not angry."

"But what do your _feelings _tell you, Quinn?" He seemed to draw out the word 'feelings' for a disturbing amount of time and I fought not to roll my eyes before stopping to consider his question. I'd never really paid much attention to what I 'felt' about things. I'd soon learned it didn't matter what I thought about what was to happen, I quickly learned that voicing those comments resulted in a beating or worse and having them in the first place just made whatever I was forced to do that much harder to handle. So I'd pushed them down, into my chest, into the back of my head until I couldn't hear them anymore and pretended I didn't care about what was happening to me or anyone else. I'd perfected keeping a bland, expressionless mask on my features until the only way my owners could tell my feelings was by looking into my eyes. And in the same way, that was how I'd learned to read my own emotions, by feeling the ripples and swirling in my irises as I kept everything else still, controlled and cold.

And, despite all this reminiscing, I couldn't come to a conclusion about how I felt and I just looked up and shrugged.

"I…I don't know." I responded, "I feel…_something_, I think I feel lots of things but I…it's not like fear, or hunger or…or pain it's just a…a thing in my chest an' I don't know what it means." I blurted out, slowing coming around to the idea that this counselling wasn't as bad as it sounded. I had felt guilty unloading my problems onto Colonel O'Neill but this person was getting _paid _to listen to me talk. I still found the man annoying but it was nice just to talk without having to think about what was the 'right' thing to say.

The Doctor nodded slowly a he jotted down notes on a small notepad and I got the feeling he had just worked out my entire thought process.

"Okay then, Quinn…what do you think would stop you feeling this way?"

I froze at that too...I wasn't used to thinking about how to make myself feel better. I knew my feelings were irrelevant compared to that of my owners. I sighed, as I admitted how I coped for the last six years.

"To stop feeling at all." I replied in a monotone and the sudden jerk of Doctor Mackenzie's shoulders told me that he wasn't as calm on the inside as he was pretending to be on the outside. I would never give myself away like that, I thought smugly and my keen ears picked up the slight hitch in the man's voice as he asked,

"What do you mean by that?"

And just as it seemed this man could tell what thoughts were running through my mind, at that moment, I could sense exactly what was going on his head. _Suicide_.

I sighed as I looked at the floor, I would be lying if I said I had never considered it before, and I'd had the opportunity to kill myself many times but the idea had always terrified me.

"**0327?" **

**My voice was timid as I peered round the corner of the courtyard. I had been sent to give a message to a much older slave – 0327 was five years older than me and his adult body towered above my own small one. **

**I could feel my heartbeat speed up as my eyes swept the deserted courtyard – the trainers had said he was here! If I didn't find him I would get punished. I swallowed heavily before calling out again.**

"**Twenty seven?" **

**I cocked my head to one side as I tried to listen for any reply from the missing slave. **

"**Twenty seven…they…they want t-to see you!"**

**I stammered out, wondering if the slave was hiding because he didn't want to see me. I was walking with a bit of a limp and my arms were pretty bloody from that days training…maybe he didn't want me to get blood on him.**

"**I-I won't…I won't disturb you I just got to tell you…"**

**I walked forward slowly, trying to stop shaking as I did so. It was cold in the courtyard and I hated being outside alone. The older slaves told stories of wild animals, of temperatures that dropped to below freezing…I shook my head fiercely trying to shake me fear away but my three year old mind wasn't trained enough to deal with the almost paralysing terror I felt.**

"**T-twenty seven, please…I-I'm scared." I stammered out and the resulting curse I heard caused me to gasp.**

"**Dammit kid, over here." The voice was rough and gravely but I quickly pinpointed it's location and ran as quick as my sore legs would allow, desperate not be alone any more. **

"**Twenty seven, I…I got…I got a message!" I tried to talk whilst breathing heavily from my sprint and smiling in relief. "The trainers…" I trailed off and then gasped sharply, unconsciously stepping back with one leg as I saw 0327 sat up against the wall, his gun barrel in his mouth.**

"**Wh-what are you doing?" My eyes were wide and black as my heart hammered in my chest and my shoulders heaved.**

"**Dammit…" I breathed a sigh of relief as the man took his gun out of his mouth to speak and turned his head to me. "Get out of here, Twenty three, you didn't see me alright?"**

**I shook my head in confusion as I took a few paces closer towards the older man, placing a tiny hand on his muscular arm. **

"**I…I have to deliver the message." I pleaded, tears starting to prick in my eyes as I stared into the empty gaze of the older slave and my young mind was forced to realise yet another harsh reality of life.**

"**Consider it delivered." Was the answering growl and I watched 0327 raise the gun again. "Now get lost before you see something nasty." **

"**No!" My voice was more of a sob as I clutched the man's shirt in my fists. "No! Twenty seven, please! Don't…don't hurt yourself!" I couldn't bring myself to say 'kill' the idea too scary for my childish mind to deal with. **

"**Argh, damn." The man placed his hand on my shoulder, the first comforting touch I had had in a long time and I smiled thinking the slave had changed his mind. "You're a good kid, twenty three, you don't wanna stick around here. Just go back, tell 'em I wouldn't go with you."**

**His voice was weary but there was a hint of concern in it and I found myself crying. **

"**They'll…they'll hit me Twenty seven…I don't wanna get…"**

"**I…I'm sorry, kid." The man's voice was sad but slightly tense. "But you need to go, they're gonna come looking for ya any minute now." **

"**No!" I shook my head again. "No…I won't…I…I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO DO!" My breathing was harsh and rapid with panic and passion as I pulled myself back to my feet and clenched my fists.**

**Yet my combat training proved useless as my body froze in fear whilst 0327 raised the gun to his mouth again. The sound of the gun firing made the resulting silence even heavier and it wasn't until I felt the blood of the man I had just been talking to impact my face and shirt that I began to scream. **

I jumped as I remembered the feel of the blood impacting my skin and the movement brought me back to my senses. I looked up to see Doctor Mackenzie's looking at me curiously and I flinched back from his gaze – my previous confidence forgotten as I trembled from the memory.

"Quinn?" His voice was calm and confident and I just managed to croak out,

"I wouldn't kill myself."

His frown showed me he had forgotten our earlier topic of conversation and I stammered out.

"You…you thought I mean I was gonna kill myself." I explained and I watched his eyes widen in shock that I had managed to figure it out.

"But I wouldn't" I continued, shuddering in horror at the memory of Twenty seven's dead body and mutilated head, "I'd never…never…" I just trailed off, wrapping my arms around myself. I could see that there were hundreds of questions burning in his mind but I sighed in relief when the Doctor simply smiled a little and said.

"I think we'll call it a day."

I nodded gratefully as I stood up and then proceeded to leave, making a note to tell Doctor Janet that I never wanted to attend a therapy session again.

**AN: Sorry it didn't do much plotwise, it kind of got a mind of it's own. I hope it was ok. **


	12. Chapter 12

**AN: Hey guys, been suffering from a bit of writers block lately but I seem to be out of it now. Especially thanks to you lovely reviewers! (Hugs all round) Slightly longer and lighter chpater than normal, I hope you enjoy it.**

I was still trembling when I entered Jonas' office, the first time I had done so alone. My mind was confused and tired but I shook my head fiercely – I had to do this, I had to prove myself worthy of being here. If I learned this language…maybe they would be more likely not to get bored of having me around. Maybe, if I was valuable enough to them, I'd be able to stay forever.

So I did my best to stop my shaking and to pull myself together; forcing myself to fall into the numb state of not-feeling that I had described to Doctor MacKenzie. I could do this, I told myself, forcing myself to slow my breathing. The cluttered environment irritated me and I sighed as I looked around the messy room for the books Teal'c had listed to me.

It took me a while to find some of the books hidden under the clutter of loose papers and stray artefacts and as I looked around the messy room I realised that no one from SG1 had tidied or packed anything away – that must have meant they wanted to keep everything the way it was whilst Jonas was here, I concluded. So I made sure to return everything but what I needed to its original position before I left the room.

It was only when I closed the door behind me and was greeted by the familiar grey, curved corridor that I felt my confidence waver. There were all kinds of people walking past me, men and women of all different ages and colours. They walked with confidence and pride, each so sure of their destination, their purpose – each one a tiny part of this huge machine that was the SGC, a unit, a team. And then there was me.

I shrank back from the stares of the two airmen that walked past and I could hear them muttering.

"That's that new alien kid."

"What the Hell's it still doing here? Haven't they shipped him off somewhere yet?"

"I hear the Colonel's got a soft spot…"

Their voices trailed off and I felt the shivering start again as I walked slowly back to my quarters. What they were saying…everyone else on the base probably felt the same way, if not worse, I reasoned. I fought to control my emotions as I focused on putting one foot in front of the other. People had been nice to me…I tried to convince myself. Doctor Janet had looked after me when I first got here, Colonel O'Neill had taught me about the Goa'uld, Teal'c had brought me breakfast – they liked me. But there was still a voice in the back of my head that I couldn't silence. The same voice that had caused me to obey orders so many times in my old life.

_They like you NOW, Twenty Three. _It whispered. _But what happens when they get bored of you? Your looks and novelty won't last for much longer. You have to prove yourself worthy of being here. You have to learn this language – make them need you, Twenty Three, then you'll be able to stay._

I nodded subconsciously, an action that luckily went unnoticed as I walked towards a group of female personnel. The last thing I wanted people thinking was that I was mentally unstable. I could hear their footsteps slowing as they approached and I paused at a junction of corridors trying to remember the route to my quarters.

"Hey you lost, honey?"

I jumped when one of the women spoke and I frowned softly at her friends giggling.

"No…No I'm alright." I stammered nervously, aware of the girl's eyes sweeping over me. "Thank you." I added, anxious to be out of the situation.

"You need a hand with those books?"

The second girl asked and I simply shook my head, not liking their proximity.

"You sure? They look awfully heavy." The first girl asked as she came closer and I shook my head again.

"I…I'm fine, really." I took a step backwards, relived when the third girl spoke up.

"Hey, quit it girls, you're freaking him out."

"Huh?" The women seemed genuinely puzzled and I was surprised when the first women apologised.

"I'm sorry, we didn't mean to scare you, Sweety." She said, backing away a little.

"Woulda thought a pretty thing like you would be used to getting offers from the ladies." The second one said jokingly but her tone was gentle and I relaxed a little, mumbling-

"I'm sorry."

"It's alright." The third girl smiled. "Not everyone's as bold as you two." She shot a mock-stern glare at her two friends before looking back to me. "I'm Lieutenant Renshaw, they're Airmen Spencer and Moore. If you ever want someone to show you Earth sometime we'd be more than happy."

I just smiled and nodded "Thank you." Before waving as they moved away. As they left I could hear them chatting excitedly.

"He's very polite."

"So…I like shy guys."

"Forget about it, Liz, he was looking at me."

"I was nicest to him!"

I smiled as their voices faded into the distance. The encounter had been frightening but also kinda…fun? Fun wasn't something I was used to but it was nice to have people feeling at ease around me and being nice. I squared my jaw as I started walking – next time I would…what was the phrase Colonel Jack used? I would…'chill out' more around them.

Yet I was all too aware of my thoughts from before. I mean, they probably only approached me for my looks…But they had said nice things about my personality too. I smiled a little as I walked. They had said I was sweet and polite. I was therefore relieved to see the door to my quarters appear at the end of the corridor – I knew arguing with myself was never a good sign.

And as I sat down at my desk, glass of water and bowl of carrot sticks within reaching distance, I began to realise that I was feeling something I hadn't felt for a long time. Content. I'd felt happy plenty of times during my stay on Earth. Happy that I was allowed to stay, happy that I had a lock on my door, happy that I was allowed to read but I'd never felt like this. There had always been this nagging doubt in my mind that I would be sent back to my own reality. This way, I would be useful to the people here, I would be allowed to stay and learn. All I had to do was learn one language…how hard could that be?

It wasn't until I heard a knock at my door that I looked up from my books and smiled as Major Sam entered the room.

"Quinn, you've been in here for hours." She laughed and I frowned softly as I stood up to greet her.

"Hours?" I turned to look at the digital clock on my desk and then back to the Major. "Wow…I must've…I didn't realise..." I trailed off, rubbing the back of my neck awkwardly as I stared at the floor.

"Bah, you geeks are all the same." I looked up again at the sound of the Colonel O'Neill's voice. "Hopefully we can teach _this _one to get out of the office and have some fun." He mock-whispered to Teal'c who nodded,

"Indeed."

"We thought you might want to see a little of Earth." Major Sam continued and I swallowed nervously and nodded.

"You mean…go out?" I stammered and the Major nodded.

"That's right."

"We figured, since ya been cooped up in this lab all day you might be hungry."

I grinned up as my stomach rumbled in agreement to the Colonel's statement.

"That got your attention, huh?" The Colonel laughed and tossed a pile of clothes at me that I caught thanks only to my kelownan reflexes. I looked down at the pile and frowned.

"It's the closest we could come to civvies." Major Sam shrugged and I just nodded, hoping that I looked like I knew what she was talking about.

"We'll meet you out here in ten minutes, okay?" Major Sam patted my shoulder and I nodded. "There's nothing to worry about." She whispered gently as if she could sense my worry and I nodded again.

"'K." I swallowed. "See you in ten minutes." I smiled a little as Teal'c gave a slight bow and Colonel O'Neill yelled,

"See ya in ten, kiddo!"

And so it was 'in ten' that I found myself standing outside the door to my quarters. I was wearing a pair of navy blue cargo pants and black tee shirt along with a pair of white shoes with, what seemed to be, rubber soles.

"Hey Quinn, you look great!"

I turned my head at the sound of a familiar female voice and I smiled as the three women from before approached.

"Hey, Liz, you trying to scare him off again!" The woman's voice was joking as she approached but her expression was gentle. I watched the woman I remembered as Airman Mooregive a slight laugh before shaking her head and schooling her features into a compassionate smile.

"We just wanted to say sorry for before." She started and I smiled a little, shaking my head to show I didn't mind.

"It's okay." I mumbled. "I was just…"

"Shy?" Lieutenant Renshaw supplied and I glanced to the side briefly before nodding.

'_Try petrified more like it.' _I thought silently but remembered my earlier promise to 'chill out' and just gave a sheepish grin as I replied,

"Yeah…shy."

"Well, we wanted to apologise." Airman Spencer replied. "You get all these army guys around here strutting about all macho spurting testosterone out of their eyes…we girls tend to forget there's still some decent, **normal** guys out there."

I grinned again and looked at the floor shyly at their compliments.

"There's always Teal'c." I shrugged causing the three women to laugh and almost immediately I felt the tension drain from the room and I took that as a sign that my attempt at a joke had worked.

"Well, I think he's taken." Lieutenant Renshaw smiled and I looked up as she continued speaking. "But, since _you're _not, we wondered if you wanted to head down to the commissary with us."

"I…I can't" I shook my head, sad to see the disappointment on the three women's faces.

"C'mon, Quinn…" Airmen Spencer nudged me playfully on the shoulder, "An apology dinner, just the four of us. It'll be fun."

"I'm sure it would." I turned at the sound of Major Carter's sharper than normal voice and saw her walking, perhaps a little faster than normal, up the corridor towards me. "But Quinn already _has _dinner plans tonight." She said, putting her hand on my shoulder, almost possessively before turning to me and smiling somewhat oddly, "Don't you, Quinn?"

"Uh…yeah." I mumbled, still not liking the disappointed looks on the women's faces. "But…but maybe some other time…" I started hopefully, "Tomorrow or something?" The smiles on the three women's faces brought an equally beaming smile to my own.

A smile that was quickly wiped as Major Carter began steering me away. "Come on, Quinn, we don't want to be late."

"We've got twenty minutes yet!" I sighed with relief at the sound of Jack O'Neill entering the corridor and I quickly moved to his side; glad to have some male company for the time being.

"Hi, Colonel." I smiled.

"Heya, Kiddo." He ruffled my hair and then I saw him look to the three women, to me, back to the women… "Holy crap, Quinn. You been out of the infirmary a week and you've _already _scored **three **girls!"

I couldn't help but laugh at his tone but I coughed nervously to draw his attention and looked at him with eyes that pleaded _'get me out of here.' _

O'Neill looked at me with a frown before raising his eyebrows in understanding and 'looking' at his watch before speaking,

"Nah…I guess you're right, Carter, we should get going." A statement that pleased both me and Major Sam as we turned to walk away.

"See ya, ladies!" The Colonel turned to the three women and winked, looking proud when they grinned at him before walking away. I think it was only me the saw the reluctant smile on his face as the three girls responded,

"Bye, Quinn!"

"See you at dinner tomorrow!"

"Have fun!"

**AAN: Okay, so...I tried for something a bit different here...did it work? Did it bomb? Did you like it/hate it? Please let me know . Special thankies to my beta Night's Darkness!**


	13. Chapter 13

"_Have fun." _I repeated the woman's words in my head as I sat trembling in Major Carter's car. I knew this was _supposed _to be fun and that I was _supposed _to be enjoying myself but none of that knowledge helped stop my nervous shaking.

Everything of this journey had been new, different or surprising and whilst part of me was loving learning about this new culture I was supposed to integrate into, the other half was longing for the familiarity of the cold grey corridors of the SGC and my own, comfortable quarters.

"_Those things were all unfamiliar to you at first, Quinn." _I told myself as I turned to look out of the car window. _"You'll adapt to the rest of the planet too." _I tried to convince myself. Yet there was still the other voice hissing maliciously in my head.

"_You're not supposed to be afraid, Twenty Three, you're supposed to be calm, emotionless - the perfect soldier." _I swallowed and clenched my shaking hand into a fist. _"You can hide it all you want but you're still scared. Can you really go an entire night without screwing up? You can barely go an hour without making a mistake - you're going to fail at this too_."

I licked my lips nervously and folded my arms around my body to try and disguise the shaking as I forced myself to keep my breathing slow and controlled.

"You cold, kiddo?" I turned sharply in my seat at the voice, unable to stop the panicked,

"I'm not scared!" flying from my lips before my brain realised the question that I had been asked. "I mean…cold…I'm not cold." I mumbled as I felt all eyes in the car turn to me whilst Major Carter pulled onto a quiet side road.

"_Failure number one." _I thought glumly to myself as the car rumbled to a halt and I shrank back from the gazes of the other occupants. I could feel their stares on me like a physical burning and I felt a cold sweat break out on my scarred forehead as I shifted uncomfortably in my seat, feeling suddenly claustrophobic in the cramped vehicle.

"How about we go for a walk, Quinn? I need to stretch my legs." Major Carter asked as she unbuckled her seatbelt. Her falsely cheerful tone sounded hollow against the awkward silence that followed but I undid my seatbelt and obediently followed her outside.

The road we had pulled onto was a quiet one, surrounded by fields and away from the city centre. The lack of fumes made the stars shine even brighter as I tilted my head towards them before whispering,

"You didn't have to lie, you know."

"Quinn?" I heard Major Carter's steps and voice falter and I felt suddenly guilty for using such a resentful tone.

"You didn't need to stretch your legs." I mumbled as my gaze dropped down to floor. "You don't need to make excuses, Colonel O'Neill and Teal'c both know I'm…flawed."

"Quinn, don't use that word." The Major's voice was concerned even though her words were commanding. "You're not 'flawed'." She rolled her eyes at the word. "Yes you've been through a lot, things I can't even imagine, and yes it _has _left a mark, of course it has, but that doesn't make you, flawed or weird or different to anyone else. A lot of people would have given up before going through even half of what you lived through and they still wouldn't be handling it as well as you are. The fact that things frighten you Quinn doesn't make you flawed, it makes you normal."

"Then…why did you pretend in the car?" I asked. I could feel hope rising in my chest at her previous words and I knew having hope meant there was a danger of being crushed.

"Well I guess…" I watched Major Carter's expression with interest as she shrugged sheepishly, "I guess that's my 'flaw'." She laughed a little. "Some Earthlings aren't quite as good as you at handling issues head on. We tend to skirt around things that bother us in the hope they might go away if we ignore them."

"Oh…" I frowned softly at the confusing picture Major Sam was painting of a human thought process. "Because…I have another question." I started timidly and this time even Major Sam's pretty smile didn't put me at ease. "Why do you like me?"

"What?" Her voice was confused but also slightly amused. "What do you mean?"

"I mean I…I don't act like a…a normal human most of the time. I eat your food and take your medicine and sleep in your facility, all without being invited. I ruin your attempts at having fun by acting like…" I shrugged and winced, "…this. I-I don't give anything in return, I…" I swallowed and looked away from Major Carter's now concerned gaze, "I'm just a burden to you all. I don't understand why you….why you're nice to me like this. Is it..." I raised my gaze to look at the Major, "Is it because I look like Jonas?" I asked not sure if I wanted to know the answer.

"No. No that's not it at all."

"Then…what? I asked almost tearfully, "I don't understand…"

"Quinn, people don't _always _have reasons for becoming friends." She started, "Some people just like each other and that's that."

My face fell at the thought I wouldn't get an explanation and I sighed a little.

"But, believe it or not, you're a very likeable guy, Quinn." She smiled and I frowned a little.

"I am?"

"Well, those girls in the corridor sure seemed to think so, didn't they?" She laughed and I smiled a little at the memory. "You're kind and caring and you give selflessly, not for attention or reward, it's pretty unusual to find genuine 'nice-guys' these days but when you think about what you've been through…" Her eyes strayed to the old scars one my forehead and face, "…a lot of people would have come from that bitter and twisted but you've still got that genuine innocence and a desire to move on, that shows real strength, Quinn."

"Alright…alright…" I broke her off, blushing, "I just…I just wanted to be sure you really liked me." I looked to the side and swallowed. "Because I like you too." I watched as Major Carter smiled but something told me she didn't fully understand what I meant.

"I'm not just grateful." I tried to explain. "I mean, I _am_, I really am, Sam but I… I like talking to you and…" I paused as I searched for the term, "…'hanging out'." I gave a small laugh and Major Sam laughed too. "And I like laughing like that and I like different things about the others too. I like learning about Earth and I…I'm sorry I freaked in the car, I **want **to spend time with you." I apologised and gasped as Major Carter pulled me into a hug.

"That's good, because I want to spend time with you too." She smiled before pulling back, "And I think there are two men in the car back there that would say the same." I nodded as we walked and suddenly the idea of 'having fun' on this outing didn't seem so ridiculous.

The new confidence and security I felt made the city more exciting than scary as we drove through it and I pressed my face to the window, seeing the lights of the city reflected in my own green eyes. Luckily neither Teal'c, Major Sam or Colonel Jack got bored or annoyed with my constant questioning as they carefully explained to me McDonalds, pelican crossings and Starbucks.

"Are we going to eat in a McDonalds?" I asked, smiling in excitement at the thought of more Earth food.

"We plan to eat in a more respectable establishment." Teal'c replied and I frowned softly, trying to think of other places I had heard of.

"A place like the commissary?" I asked hopefully, thinking of how much I liked the food there.

"Believe it or not, kiddo, there _are _nicer places to eat than the commissary." Colonel O'Neill rolled his eyes as he pressed a button on the automobile's interface and the car was filled with music. I smiled happily, I'd heard several different styles and examples of music since my first time in Jonas' office but I still enjoyed listening to it and did so at every opportunity. I closed my eyes as I heard the notes of what seemed to be a brass instrument flow through the speakers and I tapped my fingers silently against my thigh in time to the quiet hissing of a snare drum.

"Like it, kiddo?" Colonel O'Neill asked and I nodded.

"Yes Sir." I replied, opening my eyes, "This is Jazz, right?" I asked, pleased when the Colonel nodded and grinned.

"That it is. The perfect accompaniment to something called fishing - something else I have to introduce you to sometime."

"Oh sir, you can't inflict _that _on him!" Major Carter rolled her eyes as she changed the dial, keeping one hand on the wheel, and I wondered if she was referring to jazz or fishing. "This is more like it." She smiled as a different type of music started playing. This time the beat was faster, and a wider variety of instruments were played resulting in altogether louder and more energetic performance. "This is rock!" Major Sam had to raise her voice slightly over the volume of the music but I grinned and nodded.

"I find it unpleasant." Teal'c's voice seemed surprisingly loud in the silence that followed the abrupt muting of the rock music as he took his turn at turning the dial and my ears were treated to yet _another _form of Tau'ri music. This time it wasn't so much music or singing as just speaking…very fast speaking. "This is known as rap." The Jaffa supplied.

"Teal'c, it's rubbish." Major Carter sniped, her free hand straying to the dial which Teal'c quickly covered with his large hand.

"I find it a most interesting insight into the culture of Earth, I believe Quinn would also benefit from exposure to music of this kind." Teal'c explained.

"I can't understand what he's saying." I mumbled as I cocked my head towards the car speaker.

"You and me both, kiddo." Colonel O'Neill growled and began to pry Teal'c's hand off the radio.

"It is a pleasurable way of absorbing American vocabulary and speaking patterns!" Teal'c protested sternly and I shrank back in my seat, wincing a little as Major Sam took advantage of the men's distracted state to twist the dial back to rock.

"Alright…alright…" Colonel O'Neill threw his hands up in exasperation and I gulped as he spoke the words I had prayed not to hear, "Why don't we let Quinn choose?" But I immediately sighed in relief as Major Carter shrugged and swerved the car into a parking bay.

"Too late, we're here." Before turning to me and winking, "But you liked rock music best didn't you?"

"Carter Colonel Jack scolded and I sighed in relief at be able to avoid offending anyone. "If you don't mind, we have to be serious for a bit." I straightened my shoulders at this as the mood in the car immediately shifted. "Now, you remember I told you that the people on Earth don't know anything about the Stargate?" He asked and I nodded, remembering from my first venture outside the base.

"Yes Sir."

"So that also means they don't know about aliens or alternate realities either." He continued and I nodded in understanding.

"But when someone asks about you we can't say it's classified." Sam laughed but I shuddered as it dawned on me once again that I would be dealing with strangers. Alien strangers at that. "And obviously your behavioural differences and lack of Earth knowledge might raise a few questions sometimes."

I flinched at the reminder but I was pleased Major Sam was facing my flaws head on even though she found it difficult and I smiled at her in gratitude. I saw, from the corner of my eyes, The Colonel and Teal'c exchange confused glances but Major Sam nodded slightly and I knew she understood what I was trying to convey.

"So we're going to tell them that you're in the military and that you were held as a POW."

"POW?" I asked timidly, wondering how I was supposed to pretend this was the story of my life when I didn't even understand it.

"Prisoner of war." Teal'c explained and I nodded in understanding, it was a well though out story.

"Obviously, you look like Jonas, so we'll have to tell them you're twins. There's just no other explanation for how alike you look." Colonel O'Neill started where Major Carter left off and I paled at the thought of them allowing me to pretend I was related to this great friend of theirs. I hoped I could act accordingly.

"If anyone asks, just tell them you never saw eye-to-eye." The Colonel said and I frowned.

"But…we're exactly the same height." I frowned.

"It's a polite way of saying you never really got on very well." Major Carter supplied

"Another Earthling way of skirting around the issue?" I raised my eyebrows at her in reply and was met by a helpless yet humour filled shrug.

"Oh, and if anyone asks, you're Twenty Three, not Six." The Colonel laughed and I closed my eyes and shivered.

"**You're Twenty Three." **

"**Huh?" I looked up through a slightly swollen eye and was greeted by a smiling blonde girl.**

"**You're Twenty Three, aren't you?" The girl squatted down next to me as I slowly realised I was on the floor and I nodded in reply.**

"**Um yeah…" I shook my head, trying to stop the thumping at the back of my skull. "I think so." I watched the girl's face crumple into a concerned expression and tried to push myself up into a sitting position. **

"**I'm Fourty Six." The girl announced softly, pressing a cool pack against my swollen eye and I gasped, both at the shock and the shock of the cold and the unexpected kindness of the gesture.**

"**I was grown to be a medic." She explained and then said proudly, "I'm already two years old."**

"**I…I'm one." I said timidly, "I'm s'posed to be a soldier, search and rescue, I think." I added watching as the girl smiled a little.**

"**That explains your eyes." She said and frowned again, reaching a hand up to trace the bruise.**

"**Not that, Twenty Three." She said sympathetically, "I know where that came from." She sighed softly and I placed a hand on her shoulder.**

"**Don't be sad." I pleaded and she nodded but I could still see tears in her eyes. **

"**When they…threw you in here, just before you passed out, your eyes were really, dark, like black. They give that ability to clones that need good eyesight don't they?" She asked and I nodded.**

"**Yeah but…I can't control it. Sometimes it just happens." I admitted. "I try…I really try but sometimes it just happens and sometimes they…I get punished for it."**

"**It's okay, Twenty Three." She said softly as I started shaking, "We'll be alright now we're here together." **

"Oh damn…I forgot, Twenty Three's a bad number isn't it?" The Colonel said and I blinked rapidly, shocked to find I had drifted off into another flashback, the first one in a while.

"No…No…" I shook my head, "I…I'm Twenty Three."There was an odd familiarity in saying it and I looked at the floor as briefly, fighting to keep my emotions in check. "But…what if my eyes change?"

"Hm, there's nothing we can really do about that is there?" The Colonel shrugged and I nodded.

"Just try and keep them under control as best you can." Major Carter instructed as we exited the vehicle, "If anyone notices just pass it off as a trick of the light."

I nodded but grit my teeth, this outing was sounding more and more like a mission than recreation.

"You'll be fine, kiddo, we're just covering all our bases." The Colonel said as if sensing what I was thinking. "Just remember, we're gonna eat."

My eyes brightened at this as I remember the purpose of the building we were visiting.

"Yeah..." The Colonel chuckled, "_That_ put a smile back on your face didn't it?"


	14. Chapter 14

**AN: Hey guys! Ok, well this chapter has bee nothing short of a nightmare as my beta (Night's Darkness) will tell you. I don't think it's one of the best but I've written and re written it and I don't think I can get it any better than this, sorry :(**

**Warnings: Child abuse and animal abuse. **

And so it was, an hour and a half after my first step out of Cheyenne Mountain territory, I found myself enjoying the experience of 'eating out'.

The place we ate in, a 'restaurant', was significantly different to the commissary back home. I smiled as I looked around the richly decorated room, revelling in the fact I even had a home to compare it to. It was a strange feeling, to have a place where you lived all the time, not being shipped around from one master to the next, but not unpleasant I decided.

And another factor that was decidedly NOT unpleasant was the idea that you were supposed to order not one meal but three, four if you counted what was called a 'side-order'. I had just nodded wide eyed as Teal'c explained the idea behind it all and neglected to mention that one of these 'side-orders' or even 'starters' would have been the equivalent of about three days food, if I was lucky, in my old life and simply picked what I thought looked appetising based on the pictures in the 'menu'.

**I could taste blood in my mouth as I ran through the gardens of my current 'home'. I was light-headed and dizzy from hunger and I hugged the roll of bread to my chest as I ran. I could hear heavy footsteps behind me and I glanced over my shoulder briefly hearing the sound of an older clone giving chase. **

**I knew it was wrong to have stolen food from him but he had had so much, enough to last him a week at least and I only wanted a little. Just enough to make it through today and maybe tomorrow. I'd asked first but the resulting laugh from him and his friends followed by the sharp kick to my stomach told me that I wasn't going to get it that way. **

**So I had concentrated as best I could and turned my eyes black, as black as I had ever made them, using the speed and agility boost it gave me to snatch a roll of bread before pivoting and running through the courtyard and out into the garden. **

**And now I could hear the footsteps of fully grown clones who were so much bigger me, even in my teenage body, growing louder and I squeezed my eyes shut briefly in fear before opening them in time to take a sharp turn to my left and scrambling up the branches of the nearest tree I came to. **

**My training made me aware of every mistake I had made, from the footsteps I hadn't covered up to the less than direct route I had taken to get to my obvious hiding place. And, at four and a half Earth years old, I was terrified.**

**I took a sharp breath inwards as I heard the older clones approaching my hiding place and I held it for about a minute as they looked around before loosing interest and leaving. **

**It was with shaky legs that I clambered down from my hiding place, dropping as softly onto the muddy ground as I could manage before tucking the bread up my shirt and heading into the housing section of my current master's extensive grounds.**

**I could see Forty-Six in the sleeping quarters we shared with four others but she was luckily alone and I ran towards her quickly smiling as she noticed me and I pulled the bread from under my shirt and gave it to her with a smile as we sat on the stone floor.**

"**I got this for you." I mumbled shyly and she gasped,**

"**Wow, Twenty-Three, thanks!" She smiled before lifting it to her mouth then pausing. "What about you?" She asked and I shrugged,**

"**I'm fine." I answered but the loud growling of my stomach said otherwise and Forty Six gave me an irritated look.**

"**Twenty-Three, you promised you wouldn't do this." She said earnestly, snapping the bread in half, handing me a section. "Now eat it." She said mock-sternly and I shot a pretend-hurt look before biting into it and sighing in pleasure at having something in my stomach that had been empty for days.**

"**Take it easy." Forty-Six instructed watching me attempt to stuff the whole thing into my mouth at once. "You don't want to get sick." She said gently before placing a smooth hand on my scraped cheek. "_I_ don't want you to get sick." She whispered softly, placing a kiss where her hand had just been and I nodded, resting my head on her shoulder as we leaned back against the wall, enjoying what the coalition considered a basic right for their people but was a special privilege for Kelownan's like us, eating **

"Oh my word…" I looked up at the sound of a shocked and confused female voice and knew, before I even realised she was looking at me, what she was thinking, the same thing so many others before her had thought and I winced at the inevitable gasp of,

"Jonas?" And flinching at the hand that reached towards me, almost if to test that I was real.

"Laura…" The woman turned at Colonel Jack's voice but didn't say anything, speechless with shock, like most people were when they first saw 'Jonas' aka. me. It was with pained, grey eyes that I watched the Colonel slowly lead the woman away from the table and I strained my ears to hear the conversation, all too aware of the semi-discreet and sympathetic glances the waitress kept throwing my way.

"Twin…captured…prisoner…tortured…PTSD." I sighed and looked away as I realised Colonel O'Neill was just telling the woman the cover story and I couldn't help but wonder, as I stared into my spaghetti, how the woman would react if she _really _knew why there was someone who looked just like Jonas in her restaurant.

"I'm sorry, Quinn." I looked back up at the touch of a gentle hand on my arm, "We should have warned you that might happen." Major Sam's eyes were filled with regret as she apologised and I shrugged.

"It's alright. I knew it might. I don't care." I lied and the Major nodded but her eyes showed me she knew I was lying and, most likely, she knew I knew she knew. I shook my head at the confusing trail of thought and poked half-heartedly at my pasta having, perhaps for the first time in my life, lost my appetite.

Had I not known that the Colonel had just told this woman the 'story of my life' I might have found her sudden change in attitude incredibly confusing as she approached the table again. As it was, I understood the reason behind it but her behaviour was still baffling as she rushed over, apparently having noticed the disinterested way I was eyeing my food.

"Is something wrong, Honey? Is it too cold? Don't worry if you don't feel like eating it all, it's perfectly ok, no one will mind at all."

I simply leaned back a little in my seat as the woman blared questions at me without pausing to take a break.

"It's…It's very nice, thank you. Th-there's no problem."

"Are you sure, Sweety? Do you want something else? Do you want us to heat it up? Would you like another table?"

Another round of questioning and I shook my head again. "It's fine…everything's fine." shifting uncomfortably in my seat.

"Am…am I not doing it right?" I asked worriedly, watching as the woman's face crumpled into one of pity and I looked away feeling guilty, she was pitying me for something that had never happened. I had never fought for America, I hadn't been captured or tortured, I wasn't deserving of any of this.

"Oh…Sweety…" She gasped and I just bit down on my lip trying to keep my eyes as green as possible, all the while hating this woman for pitying me, hating myself for keeping silent and hating everything and anything that I could just because, for a brief second, it felt okay to. For a brief second it felt _right _to be angry.

And then, as suddenly as it came, the rush of anger was gone and I was left weary and tired and in its wake, not even feeling a twitch of emotion as the waitress walked away obviously on cue from either Colonel O'Neill or Major Carter and I felt my hands cramping as they unfurled from fists I hadn't realised I had rolled them into.

"Quinn?" A soft, female voice laced with concern. More concern, more pity but I couldn't seem to muster the energy to feel angry about it.

"C'mon Quinn…It's alright." I realised my eyes were probably pretty grey and I tried to get them back to normal all the while staring into Major Carter's blue eyes. Something about her always clamed me and I sighed sadly.

"I didn't want her to feel sorry for me." I explained and I watched Major Sam give a sympathetic smile but my eyes were drawn to the almost 'proud' look on Colonel O'Neill's face. I didn't understand the reason for it but it cheered me up a little anyway and I scooped another forkful of pasta into my mouth.

"Hey, c'mon kiddo, cheer up." The Colonel nudged me on the shoulder playfully and I did my best to smile even though I felt anything but smiley on the inside. The whole night had taken more of a toll on me than I thought it would. Everything about the restaurant had been new and confusing and, whilst it was interesting and I was desperate to learn more, the whole thing was just a little overwhelming.

"Hey, I know!" The Colonel had a smile on his face and a look in his eyes that suggested he was up to mischief and, despite my low mood, I found myself, as always, getting caught up in his excitement. "There's another dessert we haven't introduced you to!"

I widened my eyes and asked, "What?" Hoping it was something as nice tasting as Jello.

"I believe the Colonel O'Neill is referring to Ice Cream, Quinn." Teal'c elaborated and I frowned,

"Ice Cream?" I rubbed my eyebrow thoughtfully, "Why would anyone want to eat ice?"

The Colonel's chuckle was my only reply.

I soon discovered that Ice Cream was perhaps the most delicious thing I had tasted so far and had definitely been the highlight of the night. Colonel O'Neill had seemed to have had just as much fun insisting that I tried all the flavours and suggesting various combinations. I agreed to try everything except banana, having tasted the fruit already with Teal'c I had no desire to eat anything to do with it. The Colonel had looked shocked and a little amused by this and I was beginning to get an idea of why but I didn't want to bring it up. Jonas had featured a little too much in this night already for my liking.

And so it was a rather sluggish and bloated version of myself that stumbled from the restaurant into the deserted car park, hours after we had first set off from the base, although after me and the Colonel's ice cream binge, the same couldn't be said of Jack's wallet which was looking dangerous close to skeletal.

The first time I heard the whimper I thought I was imagining it, my overactive mind trying to spoil what had so far been a nice evening. The second time I felt my eyes grey as I was sure I heard an accompanying thud and some familiar sounding laughter that caused me to freeze briefly in panic. The third time I didn't even wait until the sound had finished echoing off the walls, my advanced hearing quickly pinpointing a sound that none of my companions had even heard, and began running in its general direction, all traces of sluggishness gone. Why I rushed towards the sound instead of away from it I'll never know but all the while my mind flashed with images from my past that I didn't want to see, accompanied by the repetitive thumping as my trainers hit the concrete over and over – drawing me closer to what sounded all too familiar to me.

It was only when I skidded to a halt at the entrance to an alley way and my black eyes attempted to take in everything at once that I realised I actually had no plan to deal with whatever I found. My eyes were immediately drawn to the immediate danger, two youths, looking to be about 19 0r 20 Earth years old. In terms of a Kelownan clone's growth cycle this would have made them about five to five and a half years but I had to remember, these weren't clones, these were people with over a decade of fighting experience and I felt my fists clench as I felt my mind racing as I considered the probability of victory and my alternative options.

It was only when I heard the whimpering again that I allowed my gaze to waver, one eye remaining on the two youths, the other straying to what at first I thought was simply a pile of bloodstained clothing but, after a brief moments focusing, I realised was actually some kind of animal. It was whimpering softly and my advanced vision could see blood stains and bruises where clumps of fur had been torn out.

**I sat against the wall whimpering as the two trainers stood over me. A clump of hair had been torn out at the roots and my skin was littered with bruises and cuts. **

"**Please…" I whimpered as the two men moved towards me, "No more…"**

I shook my head out of the flashback and looked back up to the two young men who were sneering at me.

"What are you doing?" I asked in a voice that didn't sound my own.

"**Stop, please, what are you doing!" **

**Forty-Six's voice was filled with anger and fear as she watched the metal rod slam into my ribcage again.**

"**Why are you doing this?" **

"Why…Why are you doing this?" I echoed my dead friend's words as I looked from the injured animal to the bloodstained hands of the youths before me.

"What the Hell are you gonna do about it?" The elder looking one sneered as he stepped forward slightly.

"**What are you gonna do about it, Bitch?"**

**I wanted to protest, to stop her drawing attention to herself but all I could manage was a choked gurgle as I struggled to breathe enough air to stay conscious through broken ribs. **

"**It's only a piece of Kelownan trash."**

"It's only a fucking dog." The younger man's voice brought my attention away from the flashes of memories but I didn't really hear his words, instead my attention was focused on the hammering in my chest as my heart rate sped up and my fingernails cut semicircles into the palms of my clenched fists.

"What did it do to you?" I asked angrily, memories of myself in a similar position causing a rage to build up - a surge of anger I hadn't felt since just before I had touched the mirror, and this one was, if anything, stronger.

"**He never did anything to you!" **

**The sound of Forty Six running towards me and I tried to ward her off with a hand that wouldn't do what I wanted it to. **

"**Leave him alone!"**

"Leave it alone." My words were ice and I tuned out the sound of SG-1 approaching as I focused totally on the two men who I was beginning to hate more than I had ever heated anyone. And, as my heart rate levelled out to its maximum and the blood vessels in my eyes began to turn black giving my eyes a fractured look, past and present collided as I heard the same words spoken in reality and in my memories.

"**Make me."**

"Make me."

And that's where the similarities ended as I launched forwards with a blow intended to kill.

**AN: Ok, special thanks to ND for putting up with my grumbling and for your inavaluable help and support. Also, special thanks to the 5 people that reviewed the lat chapter, it really means a lot, so thanks and I hope you enjoyed this chapter (maybe enough to drop another review? jk) Ok, I'm going to stop rambling and go. **


	15. Chapter 15

**AN: I'm sorry it's been so long but I've been back at school and things are a bit crazy. This chapter isn't too great or too exciting but the plot should pick up soon, thanks for those who are sticking with me!**

My movements were fast and fluid as I lunged forward with a fist at the youth's trachea. I had the exact point where I wanted my blow to land in perfect focus and I was concentrating on nothing but the path of my fist and the damage it would cause.

It was therefore a shock when I felt a strong hand grip my wrist, halting its momentum mere inches from my target. Gritting my teeth in anger and panic, I spun around twisting my wrist sharply to escape the tight hold and glaring at the new attacker.

It wasn't until I heard a familiar voice yelling,

"Quinn, what the Hell are you doing!" That I began to calm down a little and when I looked back to the person who had grabbed my wrist my eyes widened with surprise.

"Teal'c?" I frowned, my eyes slipping back to green as confusion and fatigue set in. Whilst I hadn't extended much physical energy, the effort of using my advanced abilities for a long time coupled with the confusing emotions I felt flooding me was enough to leave me feeling tired and confused.

"Jesus Christ, Quinn…" Colonel O'Neill muttered, running a hand through his hair as the two youths took off at a sprint. "You nearly killed him!" His voice was shocked and confused and I looked at him with a raised eyebrow, not understanding his concern.

"I would have killed him." I tried to defend myself, wondering if he didn't think my combat skills were good enough. "I would have killed him but Teal'c grabbed my wrist." I explained frowning when the expression on the Colonel's face grew even more shocked. Feeling my heartbeat speed up in fear I stepped back slightly, turning to Sam in the hopes of some support but the expression on her face reflected that of the Colonel's and I flinched as the Colonel stepped forward, expecting a blow.

"What the Hell were you thinking?" His voice was higher than normal and I felt my eyes darkening once again in fear.

"I was…I was gonna crush his windpipe." I stammered, wincing when he took in a sharp gasp of air, before whimpering. "I'm sorry…" Not knowing what I was apologising for, "Please, I…I'm sorry, please don't hurt me."

"Quinn…" Sam stepped forward and I stepped back again, shaking my head furiously.

"What...what did I do?" I could feel myself trembling under their shocked gazes, "What did I do wrong? I don't understand…"

"Alright, Quinn…easy, no one's gonna hurt ya." I could see Jack slipping into Colonel-mode, forcing his emotions under the surface and I struggled to do the same, first concentrating on slowing my breathing into a more controllable rhythm, then forcing myself to stop trembling and stand still and finally dropping my gaze to the floor hoping whatever they were going to do to me wouldn't be too bad.

"Yes Sir." I mumbled, desperately trying not to flinch.

"Alright Quinn, take some deep breaths." I felt Sam's hand on my shoulder.

"Are you injured, Quinn?" I looked up to see Teal'c gazing at me with concern and I shook my head.

"No…but…"

"But?" Colonel Jack stepped forward immediately, his eyes sweeping over me for any injuries and I shook my head again before pointing to the injured animal that had caused the whole scenario.

"They…they were hurting it." I explained quietly as SG-1crouched down near the creature.

I could see Sam had her hand to her mouth and my advanced hearing picked up her murmur of "Oh God…"

The animal gave another whimper and I shook my head fiercely, forcing myself to remain in the present as I remembered myself being in a similar position, before turning to the others and tuning in to the conversation.

"…might be best to put it out of its misery…"

"No!" I wasn't even sure that the exclamation had come from me until Major Sam, Colonel Jack and Teal'c turned to look at me and I wondered if I was pushing my luck, having obviously upset them with my attack on the abusers. But it was as if I couldn't stop myself as I begged,

"Please, can we give it a chance? It might be strong, it might survive if...if it just gets a second chance." Before looking to the floor and mumbling so quietly I could barely hear it myself, "…I did…"

"Oh, Quinn…" Sam's eyes filled with moisture and I wondered if that was a look of understanding in her stare.

"So, Mom, can we keep it?" I wondered why Colonel O'Neill's tone was humorous at such a serious a time before I remembered he often used sarcasm and humour when he was upset, perhaps I wasn't the only one who wanted to save this animal.

"The canine is in need of medical attention." Teal'c's was the voice of both reason and urgency as usual and I glanced up with pleading eyes at the two air force personnel.

"I'll do whatever you want…" I mumbled, wondering if they would want me to pay for medical treatment.

"How are we going to help it? There won't be any vets open this late…" Major Sam cut me off with a louder than normal tone but her words brought me a cautious hope.

"Well…" When I turned my eyes to the Colonel he had his portable telephone in one hand and a mischievous smile on his face. "I think I can call in a favour here…"

"Colonel O'Neill that is a dog!" I don't think I had ever seen Doctor Janet so annoyed before. Her usually immaculate hair was frizzled, her usually bright eyes were bleary and her usually cheery manner seemed to have distorted into this irritated, grumpy personality as she stood, dressed less than impeccably, in the middle of the SGC infirmary. "You woke me up in the middle of the night and made me drive to work because of a _dog_! Oh, Jonathan O'Neill when I get my hands on you…"

"Hey, hey…" The Colonel hastily back-pedalled. "It wasn't me, it was Quinn's idea."

"Oh…" The petite doctor turned to face me, "Well in that case…" And suddenly her face melted into the familiar kind expression I so loved seeing, "Let's see what we can do for the little fella shall we?" She said as she beckoned me forward, placing a friendly arm round my shoulder.

"You…you'll help it?" I asked cautiously. I was pretty sure these people wouldn't hurt an injured animal, they had helped me when I was sick after all, but there were still seeds of distrust and suspicion buried deep in my brain born from years of neglect and abuse and, as much as I wanted to trust these people, I knew it was always a gamble to put your faith in someone.

"Yes Quinn…" Her voice was soft and sad as she answered, "Of course we will."

I cracked her a grateful smile in response and she replied with one of her own but I could tell her heart wasn't really in it.

"Thank you." I whispered, gratefully, as she turned back to the injured animal.

"Quinn?" I looked up to see the Colonel indicating to the exit, "You and me got some things to talk about."

"You were really gonna kill him, weren't you?" The Colonel's voice was both surprised and resigned as he looked me straight in the eye.

I'd long since given up trying to figure out the right thing to say around the Colonel so I simply nodded and replied. "Yes."

"And then what would you have done?" He asked and I shrugged, not wanting to admit I hadn't made up a plan but, at the same time, not wanting to lie.

"I…I don't know." I shrugged, looking at the floor. "Helped the…the animal…" I trailed off.

"It's called a dog, Quinn." The Colonel explained and I nodded as I looked at the floor, repeating the word softly to myself.

"A dog…"

"Quinn, this is maybe my fault for not telling you earlier." The Colonel started as he leaned forward in his chair and I couldn't help my eyes changing at his serious tone of voice. "But we…we don't kill people here. At least, not unless we REALLY have to." He starts and I feel my eyes widen.

"Oh." I frown softly as I consider the statement. I'd grown up watching Andaris and Teranian's kill for fun. I'd been on the battlefield for over half of my short life and I'd watched my fellow clones kill each other for food, clothing or even just for fun in the case of some clones whose aggression suppressing enhancements hadn't gone quite right. But it had all maintained a sort of order and balance, the weak were killed or killed themselves and the strong survived, that was how it went.

"Have you killed a man before, Quinn?" The Colonel's eyes were narrow and I could tell what I was saying was important to him.

"Men…" I started, stressing the plural nature of the word before continuing, "And women…" I admitted quietly, my voice dull as I remembered past battles.

The Colonel barely finished his next question of "Children?" before I was shaking my head.

"No." I shook my head again. "I was supposed to…but…" I simply trailed off again, shaking my head before repeating, "No…"

"They punished you for that." It was a statement, not a question and I nodded once, feeling a shudder run through my body before adding hoarsely.

"You don't want to go there, Sir."

"Okay, Quinn, just…you need to understand, life…people's lives mean a lot here. I know maybe you weren't taught that growing up but that's how it is."

I nodded slowly, starting slightly as he added, "And that means yours too."

**The steel barrel of the gun is cold against the back of my neck and I shiver as my master presses it harder into the skin.**

"**What's to stop me pulling this trigger, slave?" He asks coldly, not even bothering to use my number and I shake my head.**

"**Nothing, Master." **

"**That's right." He seems pleased and lessens the pressure a little.**

"**And what are you?" **

"**N…nothing, Master." I stammer out as the huge Teranian slowly circles round to face me before pushing me to my knees and pointing the gun against my forehead.**

"**That's right…Nothing." He sneers before frowning sharply, "So what makes you think that you have the right to disobey my orders?" The gun is rammed against my forehead but I force myself to keep calm. So what if he shoots me? I don't think I'm afraid to die.**

"**Answer me!" He yells and I lick my dry lips before speaking. **

"**I…I don't have that right, Master." I stammer out and he nods before backhanding me across the cheek. **

"**So WHY were those children left alive!"**

**I don't have an answer and I simply close my eyes in expectation of the fatal shot he's about to fire.**

"**Oh no 0823…" His voice is chilling and I open my eyes warily at the sound of it, "I'm not going to kill you." My eyes brighten with hope at this before he chuckles sinisterly, gripping my jaw in a bruising hold, "It's going to be much worse than that…"**

"I understand." I mumbled to the Colonel even though I didn't before adding, "But I would kill to protect anyone here."


	16. Chapter 16

**AN: Hey guys. Sorry it's been a while but family matters, exams and work have kind of got in the way. Thanks for everyone who's sticking with me and thanks to Night's Darkness my beta. **

It wasn't like I'd never seen Doctor Janet take care of someone before. I'd seen her looking after patients plenty of times when I'd been in the infirmary, heck – I'd even been taken care of by her myself, but there was something seemingly spellbinding about watching her operate on the injured puppy I'd brought back. She exuded a calm but efficient confidence as she worked, the kind that I longed to posses. And, as selfish as it was, I couldn't help but wonder if she had put that much effort into treating my injuries when I'd arrived as uninvited guest, just as this animal had.

It wasn't until I felt a hand on my back that I moved from my position at the observation window, jolted out of my thoughts by the unexpected visitor. It was a testament to how drained I was that I hadn't even heard the approach.

"Standing there isn't going to change anything you know."

It wasn't until I heard Major Sam speak those words in her careful, anxious tone that I fully comprehended that there was a chance that the puppy might not make it through the night. I suppose I had simply forgotten for a minute that Doctor Janet was only a human and that she probably had some kind of flaw too. What this revelation meant however, I was too tired to consider so I simply nodded in response to Major Sam's statement and replied quietly.

"I know."

"You did the right thing, trying to save it." Major Carter moved to my side and I felt her hand brush against mine, "You know that don't you?" She asked earnestly and I shrugged; tired, exhausted and feeling emotionally numb as if the tensions of the night had drained any remaining ability I had to muster any kind of feeling.

"Colonel Jack says it's wrong to kill without good reason." I mumbled, thinking back to my earlier fight. "But they were trying to kill that puppy, Sam, it couldn't fight back or move, it probably hadn't even done anything but they were hurting it anyway. Why isn't that a good reason?"

My voice sounded hollow, even to my own ears but I couldn't muster up the heart to make my sentiment any stronger. All I could feel was the bone weary sadness as I realized that this planet, this universe was really no different from the one I had come from after all and I finally accepted that maybe there was no such thing as a perfect-world.

"Well…Quinn, I mean…" I could tell the Major was uncomfortable and I sighed and turned my head away.

"I'm sorry." I sighed, not wanting to overstep my boundaries, "I think I get it. Dogs are like, Kelownans, right? Not worth as much as normal people? Not to most people."

"Quinn….look, abuse of any living creature is never justified. What those boys did to that dog, what…what people have done to you, they had no right to do that. And whether one creature is 'worth' more than another, it's irrelevant because it's no excuse for abusive behaviour. Do you understand?" The Major asked gently and I nodded before adding;

"At least…I think I understand that the rules are different here."

The Major nodded slowly before adding, "But…after where you came from, that can't be such a bad thing can it?"

I paused for a moment to think about her question but at this point my exhausted mind had decided it had had enough and I simply settled for replying as sincerely as possible,

"I'm glad I'm here, Sam…I'm really glad I'm here."

* * *

As I walked with Sam down the almost deserted SGC corridors, the bed in my quarters had never seemed so appealing. Yet at the same time, for once in my short life, I didn't want to be alone. Whether it was the excitement of the evening, the ridiculous amount of food I had eaten or the weight of worry about the puppy in the back of my mind I didn't know but, as we reached the fork in the corridor where Major Sam and I were supposed to spilt, I couldn't help but linger. Longing for her to just ask me-

"It's been a rough night, huh?" Major Sam snapped me out of my thoughts with a gentle hand on my arm and I nodded.

"Yeah…"

In hindsight, what she said next was probably a complete lie and for my benefit only but at the time I was weary and hopeful enough not to realise as she spoke softly.

"You know, Quinn, don't really feel like being alone right now. I-I don't suppose you'd feel like staying with me tonight?"

* * *

Major Sam's quarter's seemed to make my own look positively barren in comparison and my eyes struggled to take in everything at once as they swept the room. There was the usual assortment of photographs that I had come to expect to find in a member of SG-1's quarters but as I glanced over at them from where I sat on the edge of the bed I noticed two figures I didn't recognise. They were dressed in beige clothing in a style unlike any I had seen on Earth but still something about there attire was familiar to me. It took me a minute of thinking and I could feel my eyes turning black as I tried to recall what I knew about these people before finally recalling and gasping;

"Tok'ra…"

"You know them?"

I looked away from the photos to see Major Sam who had changed into her nightwear standing in the doorway of the attached bathroom.

"Oh yeah…" I shuddered as memories of this race came to the surface, "…I know them."

**I held my breath as I crouched in the shrubbery, Forty Six on my left side and Seventeen on my right. This was only our third mission together as a search and rescue squadron but we had already located the hostages. Yet there was a problem and not even Forty Six with her medical expertise, myself with my keen senses and tactical ability or Seventeen with his experience of battle could think of a way out of the situation we found ourselves in.**

"**Those guys in brown must be the Tok'ra we read about." Forty Six whispered and I nodded in reply. **

"**They're equipped with zats." Seventeen added and I simply nodded again, my eyes turning black as I tried frantically to think of a way of getting the Teranian and his Kelownan guards out of the clearing unharmed. Considering that they were surrounded by Tok'ra and one of the Kelownans was so badly beaten he was struggling to stay upright on his knees, it wasn't an easy task. **

"**There's no way we could shoot them all at once…" I mumbled, even as my hand strayed to my gun. **

"**They're stronger than us too, even with your enhanced abilities, Twenty Three. They have symbiotes." Seventeen added sensing my trail of thought and I closed my eyes in frustration. We couldn't take them out from a distance and we couldn't take them out up close either.**

"**What about bargaining?" I asked, thinking about the few supplies we had left at the Stargate, "Is there anything we could trade with?"**

"**There's only one thing they want, Twenty Three and that's hosts." Seventeen turned to me, his light hazel eyes serious. "You fancy giving up your body, Twenty Three? Huh? These guys are slaves to the Ori …as bad as the coalition are, the Ori are supposed to be ten times worse. You fancy becoming a slave to someone _worse_, Twenty Thee? 'Cos I damn well don't!" He hissed. **

"**We should…" Forty Six whispered and from the expression on her face I could tell it pained her to suggest the idea. "For the Teranian. We…we _ought _to." **

"**It's too much of a risk." I shook my head. "Our bodies are no better than any others and if they merely wanted hosts the Tok'ra would have been gone by now."**

"**_Oh no…" _I could feel my heart beat speeding up as I watched the Tok'ra raise that zat weapon at the injured Kelownan and I squeezed my black eyes shut as he squeezed the trigger, my thoughts drowning out the sound of two shots firing as I desperately tried to think my way out of the situation. _"What can I do? What can I do? What can I do?!"_ **

I shook my head to clear the memory and then looked up to see Major Sam still staring at me.

"The Tok'ra…" I started, my voice coming out shakier than I expected, "The Tok'ra in my universe were slaves to the Ori."

"The Ori?"

I couldn't help but frown suspiciously at Major Sam's tone.

"You have a Stargate yet you haven't heard of them?" I questioned, raising my eyebrows at Major Carter's negative response.

"Then…I hope they don't exist in this universe. I squeezed my eyes tightly shut for a second as remembered all the horrible deeds I had heard about the white skinned priors committing. "I hope they don't exist in this universe…"

Major Sam nodded before walking across the room to sit beside me on the lower bunk.

"So they were slaves, like Kelownan's?" She asked and I nodded.

"Yes. The Ori had conquered many worlds in my universe by the time I was created. This meant there were very few human worlds from which the Tok'ra could find hosts and, as their remaining hosts slowly died, Tok'ra numbers dwindled. But Tok'ra are…" I searched for the right word, "…resourceful." I concluded. "And they had technologies that even the Ori didn't posses. Faced with slavery or extinction the Tok'ra gave all their resources and their remaining lifespans in servitude of the Ori in return for permission to stay alive."

Major Carter actually looked shocked at this and she looked me straight in the eyes as she replied, "The Tok'ra in this universe would never do something like that. These Tok'ra and honest and noble."

"Tok'ra…honest and noble?" I raised a sceptical eyebrow but quickly dropped it when a hurt expression flashed across Major Sam's face. "I-I suppose if you have photos then it must be the case." I mumbled and Sam nodded reaching for a photo before, as Colonel O'Neill would say, dropping the bombshell.

"This man is my father."

I couldn't help the gasp of surprise at those words and, as much as I knew I should keep calm for the Major's sake, I couldn't help the horrified expression on my face as I turned to her and stammered;

"They…they took him as a host?!"

Major Sam nodded in reply but then, noticing the expression on my face added, "Yes, but not in the way you think."

I allowed myself to relax a little but my mind still raced with questions.

"It was the only way to save his life and that of the symbiote. It was perfectly mutual." The Major continued and I nodded slowly, my brain struggling to imagine the Tok'ra acting _nicely_. "The other Tok'ra there is Martouf." Sam explained, pointing to the other photograph. "I was the host to his sybiote's mate, Jolinar."

"Y-you were host to a Tok'ra too?!" I suppose the pitch of my voice and the horrified look on my face must have been comical because Sam laughed a little before sighing and telling me to settle down.

"Yes, and this time it wasn't by choice, but the important thing is that in the end she gave her life to save mine." She paused momentarily, staring into my eyes. "Is that proof enough, Quinn?" I nodded slowly in response, licking my lips nervously.

"I bet…I bet it's weird, having another brain inside you…" I couldn't help the curious frown that spread across my face as I tentatively asked; "Is it weird?"

"Oh yeah…" The Major nodded firmly, "It's weird, you think what they think, they think what you think. Heck, you breathe together, feel together…love together."

I don't know why those final two words made me feel uncomfortable but I couldn't help stammering out questioningly;

"L-love?"

Major Sam nodded a little and I could see the sadness in her eyes as she gazed at the picture. "Martouf was blended with a Tok'ra called Lantash. Jolinar was Lantash's mate."

But I was tired and confused and the talk of emotions was unfamiliar to me and I couldn't help but ask;

"So…y-you love Martouf?" And for some reason saying the words bothered me and the sense of relief I felt when Major Sam shook her head was frighteningly overwhelming.

"No…no I never loved him, well not love as in _love_."

I didn't understand the importance of the repetition or the emphasis but I nodded anyway and Sam continued.

"I loved him as a friend and I still miss him." It wasn't until this point I realised that, all throughout our conversation, Major Carter had spoken about Martouf in the past tense, only know did I understand the reason for the pained look in her eyes and I interrupted her before she could continued you with a quiet apology.

"I…I'm sorry." I mumbled. "I shouldn't have-"

"No, Quinn." The Major placed her hand on top of mine, "Don't apologise for something that's not your fault." I nodded in reply and Sam continued trying to explain a feeling she could barely put into words. "And although I was never _in love _with Martouf, sometimes I would get my memories mixed up with the remaining memories of Jolinar and, for a while, I would feel like I was in love with him." Sam exhaled and turned to me, her hand holding mine a little tighter before adding; "Do you understand?"

"Yes." I replied simply before smiling a little and shaking my head. "No. Maybe…I think so." The Major smiled at this and chuckled.

"Well I did say it was weird." I raised my eyebrows and it was almost as if Major Sam read my mind as she added; "I guess that was kind of an understatement, huh?"

I nodded in agreement. "You could say that." And yet, even though I knew I could have ended the conversation there and then on neutral, happy ground I felt safe and curious enough to ask one small but important question; "What does it feel like to be in love?"

* * *

The silence that followed my question was terrifying and my mind raced with too many thoughts and too few distractions. Had I overstepped my boundaries this time? I was almost sure that Major Sam wouldn't send me back to my universe if I upset her…almost sure. To my relief, Sam merely smiled bemusedly and asked;

"What…what do you mean?"

"I uh…" I looked at the floor, intimated somewhat by the way Major Sam was looking at me. "I just…I never really heard about it much…love that is." I wasn't even used to saying the word. "Heh…" I gave a small, humourless laugh as I added; "It's not exactly something the coalition deemed necessary knowledge."

"I'm sorry." Sam spoke, "I should have-"$

"No." I shook my head, recognising how Sam was feeling, before adding; "…Don't apologise for something that isn't your fault." I looked to see Sam's reaction, relieved to see she was smiling.

"Well then…" She smiled, "Love is…love is kinda hard to describe." She paused, searching for words and gave a small shrug. "I guess it's when you like someone…a lot. More than you like anyone else. It's when…you can't imagine how would cope without that 'someone' in you life. It's one of the most powerful emotions a person can feel, it's confusing and terrifying but…" The Major paused and turned to look me in the eyes. "But it's damn hard to live without."

And all throughout Sam's explanation I was staring into those green eyes, my exhausted mind slowly absorbing the information and coming up with some sort of conclusion but all I could manage to reply with was.

"Oh…"


	17. Chapter 17

**AN: Firstly, I'm sorry that it's been such a long time since I updated. I've had, Christmas, my exams and my birthday to deal with so I'm sorry this chapter's been so long in the making. **

**Secondly, I am SOOOO sorry if I haven't replied to anyone's review or PM. wasn't sending me e-mails for a while to if I missed anything PLEASE don't be mad. I _LOVE _getting reviews and messages! I'd never ignore you on purpose.**

* * *

"Well, it wasn't smooth sailing, but your little friend is in one piece." Doctor Janet smiled as she indicated the puppy asleep on the operating table. I'd only been asleep on Sam's sofa for a few hours but the rest had done me good and the new day brightened my spirits.

"It'll be okay now?" I asked, wanting to make sure, but not understanding why it was so important to me.

"Yes, Quinn, thanks to you, he'll be okay now."

That caught my attention and I frowned, "He? It's a boy?"

"Sure looks like one." Colonel jack drawled and Sam and Doctor Janet shot him withering looks. "Well I was just…" The Colonel held his hands up defensively, perhaps realising that arguing with Doctor Janet _and _Sam would prove futile. "So, what you gonna call him?" He eventually asked and the women in the room finally drew their eyes away from him and on to me.

"Oh I uh…I hadn't thought of that." I shrugged sheepishly, rubbing my eyebrow thoughtfully. "It's a boy…so it should be an odd number." I muttered not realising my mistake until I saw Colonel Jack's eyes narrowing.

"Colonel O…" I began, stopping mid-sentence and glancing to him, the dog and then back again.

"Quinn?" Sam began and I could sense the worry in her voice.

"Neill." I finished, smiling, and I couldn't help but give a small laugh at the confused look on Colonel O'Neill's face.

"What?" He asked and I grinned, finding myself having fun.

"Neill." I repeated, looking this time at the puppy before finally explaining myself when the bewildered look on everyone's faces began to make me feel guilty. "You asked 'what are you going to call him'." I explained, "I'm going to call him Neill."

The Colonel paused for a second before breaking into a huge grin and nodding. "Well I can deal with that." He started, "As long as it's-"

"Got two Ls." Sam and I finished together before looking at each other and bursting into laughter which almost but didn't quite manage to drown out Colonel Jack's disgruntled yet light hearted;

"Damn kid's stealing my lines…"

* * *

As interesting as learning Ancient was, and it _was _interesting, so much so that I'd started trying to learn Goa'uld too, it really wasn't something I felt like doing at that very moment in time. Of course, I was still firmly convicted to becoming fluent in the language and I was partway there already. I could generally understand most of what was written down but I hadn't ever heard the language spoke aloud or tried to speak it myself. But, as I re-read the same page of Doctor Jackson's notes for the third time, I could tell that my heart wasn't really in it.

"I don't suppose you feel like learning this for me?" I said aloud to Neill who was lying on my bunk. The puppy simple opened one eye sleepily in response and then closed it again. "I guess not." I sighed but I couldn't help smiling. I'd never seen an animal quite like this one before; I didn't know whether such creatures even existed on Kelowna. I'd never seen much wildlife there at all, decades of warfare had killed off most of the native species leaving only the most hardened creatures to survive.

* * *

"**Hey, Seventeen, look at this!" I was two years old, inexperienced and naïve and my flaw of curiosity was representing itself again.**

"**It's just a dumb reptile." Seventeen shrugged as he crouched down beside me, our eyes just peering over the top of the boulder. **

"**It's not dumb." I pouted, reaching out to touch the small animal. "I bet it's-"**

"**Twenty three!"**

"**Ow, hey, get off!" I scowled as I tried to jerk my arm out of my fellow clone's grip. "Quit it!" I yelled as his grip tightened and then it suddenly dawned on me that my friend wasn't playing. Of course, since his programming was far less flawed than mine I shouldn't have imagined that he would be in the first place. **

"**How do you know that isn't poisonous?" Seventeen asked, his eyebrows raised and I faltered as he slowly released my hand. **

"**I…uh…I don't." I admitted sheepishly as my eyes tracked the reptile as it scuttled away. "Thanks, Seventeen." I mumbled, embarrassed at my basic mistake.**

"**S'Okay." Seventeen smirked as he replied before nudging me in the ribs. "Now you owe me one. Well…" He paused, "Make that _another _one." **

* * *

"Well, I know _you _aren't poisonous." I grinned as I abandoned Doctor Jackson's notes and went to sit next to Neill. It wasn't until the animal flinched away as I reached out to touch it that I remembered that he was likely traumatised by what had obviously been a horrific start in life.

"It's not easy is it?" I mumbled, knowing I should feel self conscious for talking aloud to an animal but the fact didn't seem to bother me. "When you've got nothing but bad memories to fall back on…" I continued, ""…It's not easy to trust people." The puppy simply whined in response and I sighed as I stood up, "I didn't believe it either." I admitted, "But there are people that just want to help, people that see you than more than an object to be abused. Because you're more than that and…" I took a deep breath and turned to look into the mirror as I spoke, watching myself speak, "And so am I. I'm learning that now." I jumped as another figure appeared in the mirror and my eyes widened in surprise, "Teal'c!" I gasped, spinning round as I realised that he had probably just heard everything I had just said. "I…" I looked down briefly before remembering that the Jaffa had told me to always keep my head up and I swallowed a lump in my throat before making eye contact and repeating myself, "I'm learning that now."

"So? Is he coming?"

I had no idea what Colonel O'Neill was talking about but I was relieved that he at least hadn't heard my monologue. I wouldn't have minded discussing my feelings with; Sam because I always felt at ease with her, Teal'c because he understood what it was like to be treated like a slave or even Doctor Mackenzie because he was _paid _to listen to me talk about what was on my mind but I didn't think Colonel Jack could ever _truly _comprehend what I was talking about. Not that he wouldn't _try _and I was sure he wouldn't mock me but I had a suspicion that the Colonel didn't generally like to talk about 'feelings'.

"Colonel O'Neill has requested that I ask you-"

"Wanna shoot some guns?" The Colonel interrupted the Jaffa with a grin on his face and I had to fight to keep my own face expressionless as I averted my eyes from the two men in the doorway. This was it…my chance to prove myself! And this was something I _knew _I could do. I had been learning how to shoot from the time I'd been able to pick up and hold a gun and with my advanced eyes I could be deadly accurate. Once they realised _that_ then _surely_ they wouldn't think of me as a burden and then I'd be allowed to stay for sure.

"You don't _have _to." The Colonel started and I remembered I was supposed to be replying. "General Hammond just though that-"

"No!" I cut him off sharply, "I mean yes!" I shook my head, desperate not to loose my chance, "I want to, Jack, Colonel, Sir! Please, I really do!" And I couldn't help the excited smile that spread across my face as Colonel Jack turned to Teal'c with a somewhat surprised look on his face.

"Well…I'd interpret that as a 'yes'." He shrugged. "How about you, T?"

"I too believe that Quinn was stating a desire to…" The Jaffa cocked an eyebrow, "Shoot some guns."

* * *

"So, you _have _shot a gun before, right?"

My eyes narrowed at the tone of the man stood before me. I knew that he obviously viewed me as what Colonel O'Neill would call 'a geek' and, whilst I wasn't quite sure what one was, I knew that that moniker had negative connotations.

"Of course I have." I scowled as my greying eyes met with his green ones.

"Now, now, Quinn, Ray Ray, play nice." Colonel Jack stepped in between me and the other solider. "Quinn, this Colonel Raymond Murray. Murray, this is Quinn."

"I know who he is, the latest shipment of nerd to the SGC." Murray sneered and I saw Colonel Jack tense a little as he and the other Colonel moved to the side of the room, clearly unaware that my advanced hearing could still pick up their speech.

"What's your damned problem, Murray?" The Colonel spat and I could see him bristling with anger.

"My _'damned problem'_ is that I'm sat here babysitting your little clone whilst **my **team is offworld looking for the original Quinn."

I winced as I heard this, I didn't want my presence getting in the way of the SGC finding Jonas and I wasn't aware that people would feel so strongly about me being here. I was reminded of my first weeks here at the SGC when anyone noticing me _at all _had made me feel uncomfortable and I realised briefly how much I had changed. I had overcome worse than this, I told myself, I could get through this too.

"General Hammond isn't going to like your attitude, Ra-"

"General Hammond feels the same way that I do, _Jack_." Colonel Murray all bit hissed the last word but I could see his body language soften a bit as, perhaps, he realised the anger in his tone. "Look, Jack, I know you care about the kid and it's obvious he's been through Hell, anyone can see that." I saw Murray's green eyes flicker over to focus on me for a brief second before turning back to Colonel Jack. "But we can't just keep him here indefinitely, the SGC doesn't have the resources for that. Unless the kid starts earning his keep…"

I felt my eyes starting to turn black at this and my heartbeat began to speed up as my worst nightmare began to come true right in front of me and I could feel tears that I was determined not to shed well up in my eyes.

"_Soldiers don't cry, Twenty Three." _I reminded myself, _"Get a hold of yourself."_

"We didn't know what model you're supposed to have shot before." I could hear the scepticism in Colonel Murray's voice as he approached me, a tray of weapons in his hands and I scanned over the various guns laid out before my eyes finally landed on a pair of semi-automatic pistols. I felt a pang of emotion as I thought of my own similar guns back home, the ones I had been given on my first birthday. These guns were heavier and unfamiliar but nothing I couldn't adapt to.

"Hey, if you don't want to- "

"Where do I shoot?" I cut Colonel Murray off as I scanned the shooting range.

"Just aim for the stationary targets first. See if you can hit one of those. Preferably in a place that would kill a soldier." The Colonel replied and I nodded before exhaling calmly and scanning over the four targets. I was surprised that they were two dimensional, if anything that made things even easier, and that they were drawings of human soldiers not aliens. Still, I wasn't going to complain and I took a deep breath in before firing with my right pistol four times in succession.

"The drawings aren't to scale." I explained as I turned back to Colonels Murray and Jack, "So I had to estimate where the jugular veins would be located. Well…I mean…I-I'm guessing it's located in same place on Earthlings as Lanagarans." I paused as both Colonels remained silent. "Did…did I not do it right?"

"D-do that again…" Murray stammered out and I noted he had gone considerably paler.

"Aim for their watches." Colonel Jack added, looking only slightly less shaken. I simply nodded, firing four times again, alternating between my left and right hands. I was pleased to see all four bullets had pierced the intended place on the drawings and I looked expectantly to the Colonels.

"Did I pass?" I paused, willing my eyes to stop watering, my voice sounding hollow to my own ears. "…Can I stay?"


	18. Chapter 18

**AN: Agh, it's been a while, sorry! This chapter is nice and long to make up for it :)**

"Jesus Kid, that's unbelievable!"

Colonel Murray had been repeating the same sentiment ever since I had apparently 'smashed his record' back at the shooting range. I didn't understand what was making him so excited since even the moving targets hadn't provided any _real _challenge but it was kind of funny to see.

"I can't believe you can handle a gun like that." The Colonel's voice lost some of its excitement but the sense of awe was still there. "Seriously, Quinn." The Colonel turned to look at me, his eyes wide with shock, "Where'd you learn to shoot like that?"

I shuddered as his words brought up the kind of memories I hadn't thought of in a while. "On Kelowna." I replied flatly as Colonel Murray looked at me expectantly.

"Hey." The Colonel laughed nervously and stopped walking and I saw him frown as I carried on. "Maybe I oughta go there, I can't have some geek-"

"No!" I stopped abruptly, cutting off his attempt to lighten the atmosphere, my eyes closed as I fought to keep calm. "You can't go there! You…it's not fair, no one from here should go. I won't let it happen!" I turned my head to look at him, my eyes flashing darkly "I'll **never **let it happen. You'll have to go through me first."

"I…I'm sorry."

I faltered at the shock in Colonel Murray's voice and I had to remind myself that he didn't know as much about my home as Sam, Jack, Janet and Teal'c did.

"I didn't mean…I was just joking." The Colonel said meekly. "It was tasteless, I'm sorry."

"I…it's fine." I shrugged as I tried to calm down. "I didn't mean to…I just…" I trailed off and shrugged, how could I expect him to understand? The only person who ever had half a clue about what it felt like was Teal'c.

"How _did _they teach you to shoot?" Colonel Murray's soft tone of confusion and horror was a stark cry from the excited bewilderment from only a few moments previously.

"I…" I bit down on my lip as I leant back against the wall, "I thought they were dead." I choked out. "They were just hanging there and…and I knew some of them were in trouble and I…I thought that…" I swallowed heavily before turning to the Colonel, "I didn't know!"

The Colonel simply shook his head in confusion and horror. "Oh No…no, no, Kid. You ain't telling me this."

And for some reason I resented him for his reaction. I suppose that I was just used to the calm reactions of SG1 and Janet who kept their horror and revulsion inside. Confronted with such a blunt and honest reaction I was forced to face up to just how terrifying and miserable my previous life had been.

"You asked!" I shot back, panic and fear causing me to lash out at the Colonel, anything to project some of these negative feelings onto someone else.

"I know…" he Colonel ran a hand through his hair tiredly, "O'Neill said you'd had it tough but…" He paused and exhaled. "I had no idea…"

I sighed and glanced at Colonel Murray, feeling the atmosphere growing slowly heavier.

"Hey uh…" I started, trying to lighten the mood, "Whatever, you know? I think I'm going to get something to eat." I gave a tentative smile and then watched as the Colonel's face transformed into one of total bemusement and he began laughing.

"You know…You're alright kid." He smiled, shaking his head in apparent disbelief and punching me playfully on the arm. "You're alright." He repeated before grinning, "And, getting something to eat? That sounds like a great idea."

* * *

"So you uh…you like…food." Colonel Murray commented as he viewed my plate with arched eyebrows. 

"Uh-huh." I nodded happily, already picking up my knife and fork.

"Yeah…I hear the original Quinn, uh, Jonas that is, liked to eat too." The Colonel supplied in what I guessed was an attempt at levity and to break the somewhat awkward silence that had descended on the commissary table.

"Really?" I asked, trying to keep the frustration out of my voice. I knew the Colonel was only trying to make conversation but it annoyed me somewhat that he assumed Jonas Quinn was some common ground to talk about.

"Guess you must get a lot of that, huh?" The Colonel laughed a little and I nodded wearily.

"You could say that."

"I know how you feel." The Colonel smiled ruefully and I raised my eyebrows in surprise. I knew that Earthlings didn't have the technology to clone human beings effectively so how could this Colonel understand? "I used to get compared to my twin brother all the time." Murray continued, obviously noticing my confused and sceptical expression and I nodded. I knew I should have thought of something like that, perhaps if I had been born as opposed to created I might have done.

"Used to?" I asked, aware that I should reply, "They don't any more?"

"No…" The Colonel shook his head, "Not any more." And left it at that.

I was a little confused about why Colonel Murray was still following me, why he was trying to make conversation, and why his attitude towards me had changed so rapidly but I had already come to accept that Earthlings were unpredictable so I merely accepted the turn of events as some form of Earthling logic.

"Listen, I uh…I gave you a bit of a hard time back at the range." The Colonel began, looking away awkwardly and I paused for a moment in shock as the Colonel began talking about the same subject my thoughts had just been dwelling on. "I…I thought you were just another geek, you know?" He shrugged, "I was wrong huh?" he gave an awkward chuckle and I nodded, still not _entirely _sure what a 'geek' was.

"I guess so." I replied quietly.

"I shouldn't have given you such a rough time." He continued, "I just…"

"Don't worry about it." I cut him off, "I didn't care anyway." I laughed quietly and the Colonel chuckled a little.

"Well, I did." He paused. "I do." He corrected himself. "We had a guy on our team, SG-18 that is, he was uh…he was there as a translator to help us get information from the natives and translate anything that might lead us to the missing team." The Colonel's blue eyes were misty as he spoke and I could tell he was relieving the memory in his mind as well as with words. "On the mission we were captured, one of us was about to be executed, but this guy, the translator was hidden. He had a clear shot." The Colonel clenched his hand into a fist as he swallowed past a lump in his throat. "He had a clear shot to save one of our members, he fired three times." The Colonel looked down at the table. "He missed." He finally choked out, "He missed every time. And our guy died."

"I'm sorry." I added as I watched Murray pull himself together.

"Not your fault." The Colonel acknowledged. "But ever since then I've never let anyone under qualified on my team. I'll never let something like that happen again."

I simply nodded. "What happened to the guy who missed?" I asked knowing that on Kelowna he probably would have been shot for his failure.

"Nothing." The Colonel replied bitterly, "Well, he got chucked off of my team but…didn't bring my team-mate back did it?"

I shook my head in reply, understanding, at least a little, how he felt. "Were you close?" I asked sensing the issue wasn't quite resolved yet.

"You could say that." Colonel Murray replied, "His name was Michael…Michael Murray."

And everything about this man sat beside me suddenly clicked into place but somehow, understanding his behaviour still didn't help me with what to say.

* * *

"He asked you _what_?!" 

I smiled as I looked between Sam and Colonel Jack, trying to decide who looked more shocked.

"He asked me if I wanted to join SG-18." I repeated, still barely able to wrap my _own_ thoughts around the idea.

"Wow…Quinn, you must've impressed him." The Colonel stated in a shocked tone as he came to sit beside me on my bunk. "With more than just that fancy shooting."

"Colonel Murray's one of the pickiest COs on the base." Sam explained, coming to sit on the other side of me. "But his team's always one of the best." She added and I could see Colonel O'Neill nodding seriously in agreement.

"Wow…" I replied quietly, looking down at the floor.

"So?" The Colonel asked and I frowned.

"So…what?" I asked and I could see both Earthlings roll their eyes.

"What did you say?" Sam prompted.

"Oh right." I finally grasped what they were asking, "I said I'd think about it." I replied before finally realising, in the following silence, what Sam and Colonel Jack actually _meant_. "I don't know whether I _want _to or not. I never really had much of a choice before." I admitted and I felt Sam squeeze my hand gently, which was when I became aware that I'd been holding it.

"Hey, no one's gonna make you do anything you don't want to." The Colonel promised and I nodded.

"But I can't just stay here forever." I gestured to my quarters where we currently sat, "And…I can't just be afraid all the time." I squared my jaw, "I'm nearly seven years old dammit." I said firmly, sighing when smiles began spreading along the faces of both Sam and Colonel Jack.

"I'll never get over how weird that sounds." The Colonel muttured to Sam loud enough for me to hear and I scowled.

"You're ruining my moment." I said in mock annoyance but laughed all the same.

"Sorry, Kiddo." The Colonel laughed as he ruffled my hair, "We're just playing with ya."

I nodded before pausing thoughtfully, "I know…" I said slowly as I slowly realised just how…_safe _I was feeling.

"Time was you'd have run a mile as soon as anyone tried to lay a hand on you…" Sam commented, perhaps noticing my expression and I nodded.

"I was scared a lot then…" I mumbled quietly and Sam nodded sadly. "But I feel, different?" I sighed as I tried to think of the right word. "Better?" My tone was questioning as I looked to Sam just to double check that what I was saying was making any sense.

"Safer?" She suggested and I paused before nodding.

"…Yeah." I smiled faintly, "I…I think…I think I'm okay." I turned my head at the sound of Neill barking. laughed as he began gnawing on my shoes before grinning and nodding determinedly. "I think I'm okay now."

* * *

"Janet?" My voice wasn't as strong I was aiming for but it still caught the doctor's attention and she smiled as she turned to me. 

"Hey, Quinn, are you alright?" She asked gently as I moved to sit on a vacant bed and I nodded silently.

"I think so…" I replied after a moment and I suppose my attempt at hiding the uncertainty can't have been very convincing because as soon as I had finished speaking the petite doctor had moved around the bed and, before I knew it, staring into my eyes with a worried expression on her face.

"What's wrong?" She asked and her anxious tone reminded me of our first meeting. As I looked into those kind, concerned eyes it was hard to believe that I had been convinced that this woman wanted to hurt me. Knowing know that she wouldn't hurt anything out of malice it was hard to even understand _why _I had been so terrified.

"Nothing." I replied before pausing, "Well, it's not exactly a _problem_." I explained, fidgeting nervously with my hands, frustrated at my inability to put my feelings into words.

"Colonel Murray…" I started and I watched as Doctor Janet immediately reacted.

"What's he said to you? Did he upset you?" She asked before taking a breath and continuing to speak before carrying on talking, not giving me a chance to answer. "Colonel O'Neill told me he was taking you to shooting practice, I told him it was a bad idea. Don't know why that man, Murray, is always hanging around there anyway…Anyone who spends that much time weapons-"

"Doctor Janet!" I actually had to shout to get my voice heard above the Doctor's speech. "I…he was nice…" I tried to reassure her, deciding to leave our _first _meeting out of the conversation for now. "It's not…he didn't _upset _me." I said, watching as Janet's concerned expression turned to one of curiosity. "He asked me if I wanted to join SG-18 I explained, for the second time that day."

"Wow, Quinn-"

"He's picky…I know." I laughed, rolling my eyes. "Sam and Colonel Jack told me. That's not what I…I didn't just come to tell you about it." I said, briefly making eye contact, hoping my expression could explain what I was struggling to communicate.

"You don't know whether you want to or not…" The Doctor mused quietly and I nodded, amazed by this woman's intuition.

"I want to be helpful…" I explained quietly, "I…I want to repay the SCC and, well,…Earth for helping me and for looking after me." I continued. "But I…"I closed my eyes as I carried on speaking, memories flashing in my mind's eye. "I'm tired of fighting, killing, running all the time." I shrugged, looking away feeling oddly ashamed.

I know…" The Doctor soothed gently as she placed a hand on my shoulder.

"I saw a lot of killing. Lots of wars. I….I've killed a lot of people already, Janet." I looked up at the Doctor as I paused thoughtfully. "And I mean…a _lot_." I added, wanting her to get an idea of what life had been like.

"It's enough to make anyone want a quiet life." Janet smiled sadly. "And if you don't want to, no-one will make you." She carried on and I tried to hide my disappointment. I had really been hoping for something a little more…insightful? Earthlings were much better at dealing with feelings than I was. "There are other things you can do to help you know." Doctor Janet continued, "Teal'c tells me you're getting very adapt at translation." She said with a proud smile and I gasped and looked up.

"He…he did?" I asked shyly not sure why that sentence made me feel so happy. Teal'c had often told me that he felt I was progressing quickly with my knowledge of Ancient and Goa'uld but I suppose I had always had the nagging doubt that he didn't mean it. That he simply said it to make me feel better.

"Yep." Janet grinned. "And since Daniel and…and Jonas…" The Doctor trailed off but I understood what she meant.

"I guess…I could be useful here." I contemplated. "But…" I chewed my lip anxiously, "But I…it's kinda boring to do all the time." I admitted sheepishly and Doctor Janet laughed.

"I can imagine." She said with raised eyebrows, stifling a laugh. "You know…what you remember, the battles you went through, being an SG team probably won't be like that."

"You don't..." I swallowed nervously, "You don't make people kill innocent people do you?" I was _almost _sure but I felt safe enough to double-check.

"No, Quinn…" The Doctor shook her head sadly, "We don't do that."

"Then I guess…" I paused before, curving the corner of my mouth into a smile, "I guess I could give it a try…"

**AAN: Thanks as always to my beta Night's Darkness! And...first chapter without a flashback! ...deduce from that what you will...**


	19. Chapter 19

**An: Okay, it's been a while and I'm sorry. I've had a fair bit of coursework and I've been racking up the hours at work trying to save up for my holiday (which is now paid off ). On top of that I've been on these tablets that make you feel queasy which makes it hard to write about a guy who constantly thinks about _food _and _eating_. But anyway, next chapter should be uploaded very soon. **

Don't get me wrong, I never grew up enjoying violence. When I was younger, fighting had been just a part of everyday life, almost mundane if you ignored the fact that my life was on the line. And, as much as one might expect it, I didn't enjoy inflicting pain on other people either. I knew for many slaves the fighting and killing we were expected to do as part of our duties was a release for them, a change from being powerless but, whether it was my flawed conditioning or simply a personality trait, I had always shied away from the violence. I always preferred to simply sit somewhere quiet. Just not being in pain was pleasure enough for me.

"_Although…" _I mused as my fist skimmed Teal'c's temple, _"That doesn't mean that fighting can't be fun as well."_

A quick jab heading straight for my nose jerked me out of my thoughts and I quickly dropped to my haunches, feeling the rush of air ruffle my hair as the hit missed, before lashing out with a sweeping kick. It didn't surprise me when Teal'c stepped back to avoid it and I grinned as I leapt upwards with uppercut straight to his jaw taking advantage of his unbalanced state. What did surprise me was that the blow, muffled by the protective padding that framed his face, only caused him to take another small step backwards to gather his balance instead of knocking him to the ground like it was intended. Before I had even a split second to refocus I was headed for the soft matting and I rolled backwards instinctively as I landed before back flipping a pace away in a vain attempt to put a small distance between myself and the unfazed Jaffa. Unfortunately, the Jaffa's sense of balance wasn't the only thing to catch me unaware as he covered the distance between us with one powerful stride and I desperately launched into a pre emptive spinning kick, cutting off his potential attack and following up with a series of rapid roundhouse kicks, alternatively aiming for his temples and kidneys but repeatedly meeting only the dense muscles of his forearms until he finally realized my rhythm and caught my foot mid-flight in his large hands. I must have spun at least five or six times before I met the matting once more and I rolled to the side, only hearing the 'clump' as Teal'c's fist met the soft cushioning and not my face. It only took my opponent two seconds to pull himself back up to his full height but my hand, open palmed but tensed, was already heading straight for the back of his neck. The speed with which he spun and blocked the attack was once again surprising but this time I didn't allow it to catch me off guard. Kelownans are fast learners you know. Instead I weaved to the side and struck out with a backhand of my own which the Jaffa blocked with an open hand. The sound of my hand hitting his palm resembled that of a whip cracking and I could hear the sounds of sympathy as the various spectators cringed at the noise. Who they were sorry for however I didn't have time to think about as a flurry of punches were thrown at my face and chest and even my advanced eyes struggled to keep up with where the next hit was heading. I knew, even as I kept stepping backwards that I needed to get on the offensive but it was all I could do to deflect the blows coming towards me, let alone seek an opening among them and I gritted my teeth in frustration as I crossed my forearms above my head in desperation. I could feel each hit land against my arms and I knew, even though the Jaffa was attacking with nowhere near his full strength that each one would leave a mark. It was only as I saw a fist heading through the gap in my guard that I finally relaxed as I clamped my hands over the top of it and dragged the Jaffa downwards and towards my thrust kick. I wasn't sure whether the gasp that followed had come from Teal'c, the spectators or myself but as soon as I heard it I knew my blow had connected. And before I had chance to debate it further I felt the wind knocked out of me and I was plummeting to the ground, rolling not of my own accord but with the momentum of Teal'c's counter and I was relieved, even though the fight had been fun, to hear Doctor Janet's voice in the gymnasium.

"Okay, boys, that's enough for today."

I groaned a little as I rolled onto my back and as I opened my eyes I saw Teal'c's hand suspended above me, this time thankfully not as an attack and I grinned as I clasped it with my own and allowed him to pull me upright again.

"That was most enjoyable, Quinn." He stated and I could tell from the look in his usually unreadable eyes that he meant it.

"Yeah…" I agreed, trying not to wince as he clapped me on the back, "It kinda was, wasn't it?"

"Indeed."

The reply caused me to grin and I felt a guilty satisfaction to notice that the Jaffa was holding himself rather stiffly as he walked away.

* * *

"Nice one, Quinn…" I turned at the sound of Colonel Jack's voice and was alarmed to see him scowling as he walked towards me accompanied by Colonel Murray. "Now he's going to be sulking for months." He continued but it was only when he broke into a grin that I realised he was joking. 

"I only managed _one _hit." I mumbled, happy with his praise but, at the same time disappointed with the outcome of the training. "I would've got the crap beat out of me on Kelowna for loosing like that." I spoke quietly, more to myself that anyone else but I didn't miss the reactions of the Colonels stood before me and I bit my lip thoughtfully. "Not that anyone here could kick my ass." I proclaimed arrogantly in an attempt to lighten the mood despite the fact I was only _half­_-convinced that someone wouldn't take my statement as a challenge.

"I think your boy's picking up your attitude." Colonel Murray smirked as he elbowed Colonel Jack who simply grinned sheepishly.

"I'm teaching him well." He replied and I laughed.

"You're a bad influence."

I couldn't help but grin at the sound of Sam's voice and I stared at the floor shyly, wondering if she had watched me fight and, for some reason more importantly, wondering if she was as impressed as Colonel Murray and Colonel Jack were acting.

"That was amazing, Quinn, I didn't know you could fight like that." As I stared into Sam's eyes I was _sure _she was being genuine and I broke into a shy smile.

"You…you really think so?" I asked and the Major nodded.

"I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it." She said earnestly and I nodded, believing her, revelling in her praise for a brief moment.

"I should probably go and see Teal'c, I hit him a bit harder than I meant to…" I concluded after a thoughtful pause and Colonel Murray smirked;

"I think you should take a shower." He chuckled and I blushed. My heart beat had already returned to its resting rate and the rush of adrenaline was still masking the pain – it was easy to forget that just five minutes previously I'd been out of breath and sweating.

"And for once we agree." Colonel Jack piped up and I pouted jokingly.

"Alright, alright." I laughed as I walked away, muttering just loud enough for them to hear, "You're the ones who wanted to watch me fighting in the first place…"

* * *

I'd been in the locker rooms before of course but I'd never realised quite how BIG they were. I suppose that's one way of admitting that, after drying myself off and getting changed, I was lost. When I had first arrived at the SGC I had always memorised every journey and all the possible exits and escape routes but, as I'd grown more relaxed, I'd grown out of the habit somewhat. 

"_Better get back into the habit, Twenty Three if you're going to be going on missions now."_ I scolded myself, snapping out of my thoughts when I heard footsteps behind me.

"You are not heading in the direction of the exit."

I was both relieved and embarrassed to hear Teal'c's voice and I laughed nervously as I turned to greet him.

"I was…I was looking for you." I stammered out. "I wanted to check you were alright after…um…" I trailed off, subconsciously pointing to my jaw and Teal'c raised an irritated eyebrow.

"I am fine." He replied shortly and I flinched back a little, relieved when his stern gaze softened as he continued speaking, "I was…surprised at your level of ability."

I grinned at the Jaffa's reluctant praise. "That was _almost _a compliment, Teal'c." I joked and I saw Teal'c's lips twitch slightly.

"Perhaps…" He intoned and I sighed, it was hard enough figuring out the Earthling sense of humour, at least they actually _smiled _when they were joking. Giving up on figuring out Teal'c's Jaffa jokes for the moment I turned my mind to more pressing issues.

"Do you want to get something to eat?"

* * *

"You two haven't killed each other then?" 

I laughed at the absurdity of Colonel Jack's statement as I took a seat beside him at a commissary table, ice cream cornet in hand. The idea that I would attempt to kill Teal'c was ridiculous in itself but the idea that the Colonel could think I was capable of such a thing after watching the sparring match made his statement even more ironic.

"Don't encourage them." Doctor Janet mock-scolded from across the table and the Colonel's eyes widened in mock-surprise.

"Are you kidding? That was the best fight I've seen in ages!" He enthused.

"Do you not mean, the best fight you have seen since we last attended Jello-wrestling, O'Neill?" Teal'c cut in and Colonel O'Neill smirked leading me to guess that _he _at least understood Teal'c's sense of humour and I made a mental note to ask him about it later. From the look on Doctor Janet's face however, she didn't find it funny.

"Jello-wrest-"

"You are _not _discussing this with him, Jonathon O'Neill." Doctor Janet cut me off, glaring angrily at Colonel O'Neill and then turning to Teal'c when he opened his mouth. "And that goes for you too, Teal'c."

"Alright, alright..." Colonel Jack sighed before turning to face me and winking. "Tell ya later." He whispered and I grinned even though I was almost sure Doctor Janet was only _pretending _not to have heard.

"Sure." I mouthed back as I finished the last mouthful of my ice cream.

"But that'll have to wait."

I smiled and turned in my seat when I heard Major Carter approach from behind but my happy expression quickly turned to a frown of confusion and suspicion when I noticed the leather collar and lead in her hands. I could hear the Major talking but her voice was muffled and I was suddenly to hot.

"**Are you gonna walk, slave, or do I have to drag you?"**

"**Please…" My voice is less than a whisper, the pain of my broken ankle taking the pain away. "My leg…"**

"Quinn?" I could hear what sounded like a hundred voices talking at once and the room seemed to be moving as I grabbed onto the table for balance.

"**Oh man…Twenty Three, what the Hell is that?"**

"**What have they done to you?" **

**I sink to my knees even as I hear my team mates rushing towards me.**

"**_It's tight." _I want to tell them, as my tingling, almost numb fingers fumble uselessly at the fastening of the collar round the back of my neck. _"I can't breathe." _I try to explain but all that comes out is a choked cough and I pitch forward, caught in Forty-Six's arms. My vision is white around the edges but I can feel Seventeen's hands tugging desperately at the leather, trying to put some space between my throat the collar and I panic when nothing happens before taking in a gulping desperate breath of air as I feel a blade slide between the leather and my skin and the collar falls harmlessly to the ground.**

"_I don't understand." _I wanted to say, wanting to sort the situation out calmly and rationally like I'd learned to but I was too preoccupied with the fact that I was, for some unknown reason, heading towards the floor and I couldn't seem to stop myself.

**AAN: Thank you for reading . This chapter was un-beta-ed so I'm sorry if it was rubbish!**


	20. Chapter 20

**Usual warnings here folks. Also, just want to remind everyone there IS a plot in this fic. It's just taking a little while to come through! thanks to everyone who's sticking with it. **

It wasn't until I opened my eyes and saw that I wasn't sat at the table anymore that I realised something was wrong.

"Wh…where?" I tried to sit up but Colonel Jack's hand on my chest pushed me back down which was when I realised I was lying down.

"Just…get your bearings a second." I was surprised at the gentleness of Colonel Murray's voice and I nodded, blinking a few times.

"I was in the commissary." I spoke slowly, not sure whether I was explaining to the visitors at my bedside or myself. "And I…"

"You passed out, Quinn." Sam's voice was concerned and sympathetic as she spoke but I couldn't help frowning.

"Passed out…that's impossible." I shook my head as I sat upright. My grey eyes scanned over the assembled faces at my bedside and then to my surroundings, the infirmary. "…Impossible." I repeated almost silently, feeling my heart drop to my stomach as the truth began to sink in.

"I hate to break it to you, but it's not as unlikely as you think."

I should've been surprised to see Lieutenant Renshaw approach, clipboard in hand, but I was too numb to feel anything as I repeated the same phrase over and over in my mind, trying to grasp the repercussions of what had happened.

"_I passed out. I passed out. I…passed out."_

"Considering the fact only six months ago you were on the brink death coupled with a bout of strenuous exercise and a swift shock, it's not all that surprising."

I tuned back in to hear Lieutenant Renshaw's explanation but it didn't put me at ease and I felt a sudden bout of claustrophobia wash over me as I felt everyone's eyes on me and the realisation that I'd actually fainted in a public place finally settled in, bringing with it both fear and panic.

"I-I'd like to get up." I managed to stammer out, even though I was feeling too hot again and my mouth felt like it was full of cotton.

"Well…just wait a second, you've-"

"Please!" My voice came out far more desperate than I intended and I stared down at the bedcovers, the stiff sheets clenched in my trembling fists, as I tried to regulate my breathing "Please…I-I want to get out here." I swallowed a lump in my throat and I suddenly felt 3 years old again, begging for a mercy I didn't believe would be granted, my final plea was almost less than a whisper "…Please…"

"Alright…ok…" I jolted nervously when I felt a hand on my back, the material of my SGC tee shirt sticking to my sweat-dampened back. "It's alright." It was only when the soothing voice continued that I realised it was Doctor Janet beside me.

I'd forgotten about everyone else in the room as I focused on the feeling of Doctor Janet's delicate hand rubbing soothing circles on my back. "Please…I want…I want to…"

"Okay…alright." Doctor Janet kept hold of my hand as I shuffled off the bed, my trembling legs buckled briefly and I grabbed on the edge of the bed before finally getting my balance and shrugging off Janet's hand as I made my way out of the infirmary alone.

* * *

It was raining as I stepped outside and it was only then that I remembered I was only dressed in my trousers and short sleeved shirt, not exactly the best clothing for the weather. Still, the cool drops were refreshing on my skin and I exhaled deeply as I sat down, leaning against the cold metal surface of the exterior of the SGC. Raindrops splashed onto my nose and into my eyes as I tilted my head to gaze at the unfamiliar constellations in the unfamiliar Earth sky. My heart was still pounding in my chest and my breathing wasn't quite back to normal but away from the crowds and the noise and the walls it was easier to relax somewhat. My mind still reeled with the fact that I'd actually passed out, that I'd let my guard down but, away from the concerned faces and the walls that seemed to close in I could see that I'd overreacted. 

"_Bit of an understatement there, Quinn." _I said to myself, running a hand through my now soaking hair. _"There might have been a small chance they'd let you a team even after you passed out, but after a panic attack like that?_ _There's no way they'd let you in the field." _The thoughts caused my hand to curl reflexively into a fist and I felt a familiar mixture of helplessness and frustration as the only thing I had ever hoped for was ripped away.

"_Well…" _I mused as I saw Major Sam appear in the entrance way, _"Maybe not the __**only **__thing."_

"Quinn?!" Her voice was high with shock and confusion but I was too emotionally drained to react to it. "What are you doing out here in the rain?" Her hand was on my arm as she pulled me to a standing position. "God, you're freezing, what were you thinking? Come inside." I obediently followed, only half convinced she wasn't going to lead back to mirror and tell me to leave. "Come on, you need to get warm."

"I wanted to look at the stars..." I mumbled quietly in response to her earlier question but the Major was so flustered she didn't hear and, since she didn't ask again, I didn't repeat myself, following silently behind the Major.

* * *

It was only when we reached the infirmary that I stopped as I remembered how many people had witnessed me…I didn't even want to admit to myself what had happened…had seen me leave. 

I looked at the floor as I spoke in a sad, horrified whisper before turning pleading eyes to Major Sam. "What will everyone think of me?"

"Oh Quinn…" She smiled sadly as she placed an arm around my shoulder leading me through the double doors into the infirmary. "You're hardly the first one to go a little nuts around here."

"Don't…" I still couldn't bring myself to speak above a whisper, hoping perhaps that, if I didn't speak up, no one would notice me. Childish, I know, but I was hardly thinking rationally. "Don't lie just to make me feel better, you promised you wouldn't."

"Oh she's not lying, believe me." I flinched at the sound of Colonel O'Neill's voice, looking up with my eyes but not lifting my head as I saw Colonel O'Neill approach with Doctor Janet. "You just want to take a look at Janet's records here." He continued and I frowned cautiously.

"Honestly?"

"Oh yes…" The doctor fake sighed, waving a hand with forced flippancy, "Addictions to alien sarcophaguses, brainwashing, people degenerating into cavemen, schizophrenia, teams suddenly getting addicted to magic lights and turning suicidal..." The Doctor took a deep breath before shrugging, "It happens to everyone."

And before I knew it I was smiling a little.

"Actually." Colonel Jack added, "Mainly just Daniel." Which drew smiles from the others in the room before Doctor Janet rolled her eyes and beckoned me to sit on the infirmary bed.

"It's never happened before." I blurted out without prompting, desperate to be allowed to stay. "On Kelowna, I never passed out unless I was beaten." I swallowed nervously when I noticed the shocked reactions of the three Earthlings…they weren't impressed. "Badly." I continued, "It would have to be badly, broken bones and everything. And …never on a mission, except when I was shot more than once that one time, but that was only one mission and I lasted an hour before I lost consciousness and that was only because we'd run out of adrenaline injections and I-"

"Quinn!" I wasn't sure who had spoken but I licked my lips nervously, suddenly aware of how quickly the words had been flowing.

"Did I say it too fast?" I asked, wondering if that was why everyone looked so upset. Or maybe it was because they didn't want to tell me I couldn't be on a team any more.

"Just…let us get a word in edgeways, huh, Kiddo?" The Colonel's tone was light but there was no humour in his eyes or expression.

"I just…I wasn't always…I would never have panicked like that on Kelowna. It's just…" My gaze darted around the infirmary as I felt panic wash over me again. "This...talk about _feelings _and _emotions _and…I used to keep them under control and now **you**…" I looked up glaringly at Major Carter and Colonel O'Neill and my words were filled with fury, "**You **made me weak." It was only in the following silence that I realised what I'd said and I could feel my hands start trembling. Oh no…I'm…I'm sorry…I didn't-"

"It's alright." Sam cut off my pathetic attempt at an apology, "No one's upset."

"I don't know what happened!" I tried to explain, "I don't feel that way." I tried to reassure her, "I _don't, _I like it here, please don't…"

"S'alright, Quinn. Settle down." I reacted almost instantly to the Colonel's command, slowing my breathing and relaxing my clenched fists, glad to have some instruction in a situation where I had no clue how to react. "We know what's going on."

"You do?" I asked, partially confused and partially surprised but mainly relieved to have _someone _who knew what was happening to me.

"These are the results of a sample of your blood taken earlier today." I didn't miss the unspoken connotations in the sentence as Doctor Janet started speaking, a sheet of paper in her hand. "And these," She grabbed another sheet off her desk before handing it to me along with the first set of results, "Are from a sample taken when you first came here."

"I don't understand…" I admitted quietly, my eyes seeing but not understanding the numbers and charts on the page before me.

"No one expects you to." Doctor Janet smiled before turning her attention back to the results. "They're almost identical apart from one tiny thing." She explained, pointing to a mark on the paper. "In this first set of results here, there's the presence of a protein. It's not one found in humans and it wasn't in Jonas' blood either." I nodded cautiously as the petite doctor explained. "In this second set today, it's gone. We're not sure what it does but we feel it may have contributed to-"

"It helps me." I cut her of quietly, staring at my hands folded in my lap.

"You know about this?" Sam asked, sounding surprised, and I nodded before shrugging slightly.

"A little bit. It's a synthesised protein that the coalition scientists would…would administer. It…it means I can use my enhanced abilities for an extended period of time without it having an adverse affect on my functions." I quoted the textbook definition the scientists had drilled into me. "They had to synthesise it in a lab and inject it because my body doesn't make it naturally because of my…flaw." I finished.

"So likely in your sparring match with Teal'c today you used up the last of what you had left." Doctor Janet continued for me and I nodded in agreement.

"How long have they been pumping this stuff into you?" Colonel O'Neill looked almost sick and I shrugged.

"Since I can remember."

"Bastards…" He muttered but I didn't spend time trying to figure out what he was angry about, more interested in what Doctor Janet had to say.

"Then it's likely that what you're experiencing is a form of withdrawal." The Doctor looked at me thoughtfully when I didn't react, "Do you know the symptoms of withdrawal?" She asked and I shook my head.

"No."

"Headache, sweating, rapid heart rate, clammy skin, tremors of the hands, agitation, mood swings, black outs…" Janet paused for breath and Colonel O'Neill used the short gap in the stream of medical terminology to interrupt her.

"He gets the message."

Doctor Janet shot the Colonel an irritated look before turning back to me with a gentle expression. "Chances are you're over the worst of it but I want someone keeping an eye on you and I don't want you going off-world for at least a week, alright?"

I guess my disappointment must have shown on my face as Colonel O'Neill gave a sympathetic shrug and punched me playfully on the shoulder.

"Come on, Kiddo, chin up, it's only a week." He grinned before half muttering, half-whispering "She usually makes me stay _at least _a fortnight."

* * *

"You don't mind…" I paused thoughtfully as I walked alongside Sam, trying to remember the phrase Doctor Janet had used, "You don't mind putting your eye on me do you?" I asked, flinching slightly when the Major laughed. 

"_Keeping _an eye on you." The Major corrected with an amused smile. "What's happened to that super memory of yours?" She teased and I shrugged before mumbling;

"It still sounds stupid to me…"

"Well…" Sam was still smiling. "Keeping my eye on you or putting my eye on you, I don't mind either one. It's been a while since we did anything on our own together." She replied.

"If Neill's coming, we won't _technically _be on our own." I supplied and the Major stopped walking for a second and stared at me before continuing to walk.

"Colonel Murray's right, you _have _been hanging around Colonel O'Neill too much."

The Major's statement confused me, it was delivered with a smile but the words seemed so…harsh.

"I-I have?" I asked, feeling my eyes turning grey as I shifted my gaze dejectedly to the floor. "I didn't know…" I said softly "I thought he-"

"Hey come on, cheer up." I felt a gentle hand under my chin and I lifted my gaze to see Sam looking at me concernedly, "I didn't mean it like that. I just meant that you're picking up his habits." She explained and I faltered slightly before breaking into a relieved smile.

"Oh." I grinned as we started walking again. "That's a good thing, right?"

"If you like…" The Major smirked.

"I wish I could be like him you know…" I admitted after a pause, "I wish…I could be…just normal."

"You are normal." The Major cut in. "As normal as it gets around _here_ anyway."

I recognised the line for what it was, an attempt to lighten the mood and, even though it did nothing to lift my spirits, I gave a fake smile, hiding my still grey eyes by looking at the floor. Major Sam was already burdened enough having to look after me, I figured, why make the situation any worse for her?

"Right." I agreed, when I realised I hadn't replied, grateful of the distraction of reaching my quarters. "Ney, Neill." I called out, smiling when the small dog jumped out of the bed and ran towards me. "He's not so scared of me any more." I explained to Sam as I locked my door, Neill standing by my heels.

"Yeah?" She asked with a look in her eyes I'd never seen before and I couldn't seem to figure out.

"Well sometimes he's still a little afraid, and it's hard to figure out why." I continued, "If I knew everything that had happened to him, it would be easier to help but…" I trailed off before shrugging and lifting the puppy into my arms, "You aren't going to tell me that, are you?" I asked, patting the dog's head and receiving a quiet bark in response. "Still, he's getting better, getting braver and more relaxed." I smiled, turning my attention back to Sam. "And I think other people are noticing too."

"It's a nice feeling to have someone…something trust you when they have no reason to, isn't it?" The Major asked gently.

"I guess it is…" I replied thoughtfully before cocking my head to one side and looking at the Major quizzically. "But what would you know about that?"

* * *

I always found it somewhat odd that sometimes I could walk around the base for ten minutes and not see another person and yet, on the short, five-minute walk from my quarters to Major Sam's, I could meet someone every few paces. Normally I would simply have walked past but, for some reason, Major Carter felt the need to introduce me to everyone on the base. 

"This is Sergeant Siler." Major Sam gestured to a small, short haired man balanced precariously on a step ladder.

"Oh hi, Major Carter, I-I'd come down but this pipe sprung a leak."

The man, Sergeant Siler kept diverting his attention between the pipe on the ceiling and Major Carter, occasionally flicking glances in my direction. It wasn't until I felt Major Carter's elbow in my ribs that I realised she wasn't going to introduce me herself.

"I…I'm…My name is Quinn." I mumbled, still not quite comfortable around Earthling strangers but feeling a little more confident with Major Sam stood beside me.

Oh hey." The Sergeant smiled and I got the sneaking suspicion he had known my name already. "And who's this little guy?" He asked, pointing to Neill, seeming to forget for a moment that he had a wrench in his hand as it clattered to the ground. Whilst I was prepared for the clatter that occurs when metal meets stone, my puppy was not and, even without the luxury of my advanced eyesight activating as a reflex, things seemed to move in slow motion as Neill bolted at the unexpected noise, his slight frame connecting directly with a leg of the stepladder causing Sergeant Siler's somewhat heavier form to connect directly with the floor.

"I-"

Anything I was about to say was abruptly silenced as the pipe overhead reacted to the lack of pressure placed on it, pouring a steady stream of water directly onto my head and as I turned in panic to see Sergeant Siler's condition I was bemused to find both him and Major Carter fighting back laughter.

"Quinn…" Major Sam bit down on her lip, standing, I noticed, a convenient distance away from the pipe which was still pouring water onto me. "Are you…"

"I'm fine." I interrupted, seeing that she was struggling not to burst into giggles. "C'mere Neill." I coaxed, scooping up the now soaking animal who looked somewhat bewildered at the sudden downpour. Or maybe it had something to do with the fact he'd recently head butted a set steel steps.

"Ah damn it." Sergeant Siler finally spoke up as he pulled himself off the ground, "And I'd nearly gone a whole day without one of you guys bumping into me." I wasn't sure whether he was joking or not so I simply smiled before mumbling.

"I'm sorry, Neill didn't mean to."

"It's okay." He grinned, "I've had a pretty bad day today anyway." He shrugged and I couldn't help but smirk to myself as I thought back over the previous few hours. _Got beaten up. Got lost. Fainted. Got diagnosed with withdrawal. Got soaked. Got soaked again. _

"Not as bad as mine." I replied, before turning to walk away and repeating myself, subconsciously shaking my head in disbelief at what my life had become in this place. "Not as bad as mine…"

**Credit goes to my beta Night's Darkness for the idea for the Siler scene. **


	21. Chapter 21

I should've been used to it but every time I stepped into Major Carter's quarters the sheer amount of **stuff **took my breath away. It wasn't as though the room was a mess; I think it was just the thought of someone needing so many things. Although, I had to admit, I didn't even know what half of them did.

"Are you just going to stand there dripping all day or are you going to come in?"

Major Carter's voice jerked me out of my thoughts and I as processed her words I realised my shirt, skin and hair were all still soaking wet.

"Sorry." I mumbled abashedly as I stepped further into the Major's quarters, a trail of water droplets behind me. "I think I'm ruining your carpet." I spoke up timidly as I looked behind me and, to my surprise, Major Carter simply laughed.

"Believe me, it's handled worse than a few drops of water." She laughed, before taking me by the hand and half leading, half dragging me into the bathroom and poking me in the chest jokingly. "Off with it." She ordered bluntly and I faltered, the words shocking me out of the slight daze I had been in.

"Wh…what?" I asked, my brow furrowing and the Major smiled, almost giggling.

"I said off with it." She grinned, a mischievous glint in her eyes, "You said it yourself, you're dripping on my floor." She mock-glared before continuing in a softer tone, "Really, Quinn, you can't sit in those damp clothes all night."

"Ah…right…" I stammered, suddenly catching on to the Major Sam's thought process, and I quickly obeyed, pulling the damp shirt over my head. I saw the Major flinch as her eyes were drawn to a jagged scar on my right shoulder and I fought not to flinch as she ran her hand over it gently. "It's from when I got shot, I told you about it before." I alluded to my previous conversation in the infirmary and the Major nodded gently.

"Yeah…" She replied quietly, apparently lost in her thoughts and I shrugged off her hand, suddenly self conscious.

"You don't have to look at me if it bothers you **that **much." I was appalled to find myself almost on the verge of tears.

"Oh, Quinn…" Major Sam sighed, moving her hand up to my face and cupping my chin. "You know that's not how I feel." She said firmly and I nodded, trying desperately to pull myself together.

"What's happening to me?" I asked hoarsely, my grey eyes meeting her shimmering blue ones.

"Withdrawal, remember?" Sam's voice was firm, keeping my focus whilst her hand on my cheek kept me grounded and I nodded again, a little more shakily this time.

"R-right."

"Come on…" Major Sam ruffled my hair playfully, placing my damp tee shirt on a radiator and then leading my back into the main living area. "Colonel O'Neill said he hasn't shown you television yet."

* * *

It wasn't until I woke up that I realised I must've fallen asleep but for some reason I didn't panic, feeling oddly safe even though I wasn't completely sure where I was. The sound of a voice quickly caught my attention and I opened my eyes, a female face slowly coming into focus. 

"Major…"

"We're off duty, you can call me Sam." The female spoke and I slowly remembered where I was.

"Sam..." I corrected, pausing briefly and licking my lips nervously before speaking in a somewhat questioning tone. "…I'm in your lap."

"You fell asleep." The Major stated, as if this explained everything, "I mean, you managed to watch about five minutes of the documentary on dogs but…" The Major trailed off and shrugged.

"But…" I began hesitantly, "I'm in your lap." I was still trying to get my head around the fact itself, let alone figure out why I wasn't moving.

"Well, Janet said you needed your rest, it would have been irresponsible to wake you." Sam replied with a smile and I yawned as I managed to stand up before staring at the floor and murmuring shyly;

"Thanks, Sam. I'm sorry I wasn't very interesting company."

"Hey." Major Carter laughed, "Company with you is nothing if not interesting,"

A knock on the door caught the attention of us both and I hastily retreated to the bathroom, pulling my shirt back on.

"Am I interrupting something?"

I frowned at the sound of the distinctive voice, it was familiar, but I couldn't think of whom it belonged to and I hastily stepped back into Sam's quarters wanting to reassure myself that this new person wasn't going to be a threat to either of us. I had learned to relax around most of the people at Stargate command but instincts are hard to override and there was always a chance that a stranger could be dangerous.

"General!" Sam's voice was shocked and she quickly snapped to attention, putting me even more on edge and I stared, with grey eyes, at the short, bald man trying to figure out as much as I could about this…'General'.

"At ease, Major." The man smiled and immediately I felt some of my suspicions dissipate. It was foolish, I know, but something in the man's demeanour hinted that he wasn't dangerous and I dared to let my guard down a fraction.

"Quinn, this is General Hammond." Sam beckoned me forward and I moved to stand beside her.

"You look better than the last time I saw you, son." The man smiled, extending his hand in what I had come to learn as the greeting here. "Yes..." He smiled wisely, "We _have _met before." And I cursed myself internally for letting my confusion show on my face.

"I recognise your voice." I replied when I saw Sam and General Hammond waiting for me to speak, adding "Sir." For good measure.

"General Hammond came to visit you when you first arrived here." Sam supplied, explaining why the voice sounded familiar.

"I…I don't remember, Sir." I admitted and the General smiled kindly.

"That's not surprising. You weren't the picture of health."

"Is there something you needed, Sir?" Major Sam asked, perhaps noticing that the conversation didn't seem to be going anywhere.

"Colonel Murray has requested that Quinn join his team. You know I don't let just anyone out into the field with my men, I wanted to have a little chat with him first." General Hammond replied and I tried not to panic at his words. "Relax, Son, it's not a test." The man joked and inwardly I breathed a sigh of relief before tensing again as he added, "Those come later."

* * *

"We don't normally house alien refugees on the planet for a long period of time." 

The General's choice of conversation opener as we began the walk back to his office was hardly one which filled me with confidence and I found it hard to force out my reply past the lump that had suddenly appeared in my throat.

"Yes Sir."

"At first, we thought you were Jonas Quinn but when Doctor Fraiser examined you we soon found that wasn't the case. We were planning to send you back to your own universe but once we found out what that was like…" The General trailed off and I simply nodded, assuming I was supposed to understand what he was trying to convey. "And then, before I have chance to look for a suitable planet for you to live on, I'm getting calls saying how valuable you're becoming, how quick you are at learning and then before I know it everyone's taken a liking to you." General Hammond continued as we entered the lift before turning to look at me with a serious but proud expression on his face. "You've tried to make yourself useful and I appreciate that. I also understand how hard it's been for you to show the initiative you have. That's the sort of personality we look for in our agents."

"Thank you, Sir." I replied, somehow sensing that the older man had more to say.

"But…" He continued as we stepped out of the lift and into another corridor. "Personality isn't everything." He said firmly, his voice and mannerisms taking on a serious tone. "Colonel Murray has high standards about who he lets on his team but, in the end, I'm the one who makes the final decision and I need to know you aren't going to put any of my men in danger when they go off world."

"I understand, Sir." I responded, making eye contact for the first time to show that I truly did understand what he was saying and why he was saying it. As much as I didn't like it, I had far more understanding of military thinking and logic than any of the other topics the Earthlings talked about like feelings or general culture.

"We have a series of psychiatric tests to perform and then we need to do a formal physical assessment." The General explained before softening his expression somewhat. "Relax, son. It's not as bad as it sounds, we do these to everyone."

That put me at ease a little. At least I knew that if the same tests were performed on everyone then I figured they wouldn't be deliberately trying to catch me out and that allowed me to relax a fraction as the General finally stopped walking and knocked on a door.

* * *

The voice that invited us to enter didn't sound cold or threatening and, when I got to look at the man to whom the voice belonged, he didn't appear cold or threatening either. 

"Hello, Quinn." The man extended his hand in greeting, "My name is Doctor Hutchinson."

"Hello." I replied quietly as I shook the offered hand, trying to pick up anything about the psychiatrist that I could use to my advantage. He certainly wasn't what I had been expecting to see, nothing like the white coated, stern faced scientists I had grown up around. This man was dressed in his own clothing, similar to the civilian clothes I had been issued with, and his demeanour was friendly and relaxed.

"Would you like to take a seat?" Doctor Hutchinson gestured to an empty chair in front of his desk as General Hammond left the room. I didn't want to sit down, I was nervous, I wanted to stay standing but I recognised that this was a suggestion and not a genuine question so I seated myself.

"Okay." The Doctor smiled calmly, pushing his glasses back up his nose. "I hear you've been attending therapy sessions with Doctor Mackenzie, how are they working out?"

"Um, okay, I suppose." I mumbled, trying to figure out what the Doctor wanted to hear. When he simply indicated for me to continue, I shrugged and added, "We're from…different backgrounds, it's hard to explain some things to him."

"I'll bet." Hutchinson replied and I relaxed a fraction in my seat. This didn't seem too difficult. "And you feel as though you've settled in here?" He asked and I frowned in confusion before asking tentatively;

"Settled in?"

"You know…got to know the place? Got used to being here…" The doctor trailed off as a look of comprehension settled on my features and I nodded.

"Yes, Sir. I like it here a lot."

"You don't have to call me 'Sir'." The dark haired doctor explained, "'Doctor Hutchinson' is fine. I want you to feel relaxed here, we aren't trying to catch you out or trick you, there aren't any right or wrong answers, just, say what you feel." The man finished with another smile and I fought to keep my expression neutral.

What I _felt _was that he was lying, obviously there were wrong answers I could give or else it wouldn't have been an assessment, would it? Deciding it wouldn't work in my favour to mention this, I simply replied "Okay, Doctor Hutchinson" and tried to give the impression of being relaxed.

"So, we'll start with a little word-association." Hutchinson leaned forward as he spoke, his arms resting on the table. "I'm going to say a word and I just want you to reply with the first thing that comes to mind. Alright?"

The task sounded incredibly strange and pointless but ultimately harmless and I nodded to signal that I understood.

"Okay, first word…" The psychiatrist mumbled to himself as he flicked though a small handful of cards before announcing, "'Anger'."

"Um…" I paused for a second trying to think of the best thing to say before I remembered that the responses were supposed to be spontaneous and I quickly blurted back, "Anger" before looking expectantly at Hutchinson.

"Ah…Quinn." The Doctor gave a small, nervous laugh as he rubbed the stubble on his chin with one hand. "It…it has to be a _different _word, okay?"

"Right." I replied quietly and the doctor smiled before beginning the procedure again.

* * *

"Yeah, I always though those things just looked like blots too." Colonel O'Neill sympathised as we stood side-by-side in the elevator. 

"I did _try_. I said one looked like a puddle." I explained as I recounted my experiences of the tests I'd been subjected to.

"'Atta boy." The Colonel punched me on the shoulder playfully. "Even more reason for us to go out." He grinned smugly and I scowled in good humoured frustration.

"How come you can't tell me where we're going?" I asked, even though I knew the answer I would receive.

"Because, Kiddo, it's a surprise." Colonel Jack replied pointedly, playfully cuffing the back of my head. "Now quit asking because I ain't telling you."

The 'ping' as the elevator doors opened cut off any reply I might've made and I startled a little in shock when I saw Sam and Teal'c waiting near the entrance to the SGC. "You're both coming too?" I asked hopefully, feeling a grin spread across my face as they both nodded in reply. Not only was I being allowed outside again but Sam, Teal'c _and _Colonel Jack were coming with me.

"Do you know where we're going?" I asked both of them, smiling excitedly when Teal'c nodded but the smile quickly faded when he began speaking.

"Indeed. However, we are both under strict instructions not to disclose that information to you." I didn't even _try _to persuade the Jaffa otherwise, instead turning to Sam and asking;

"Can I have a clue?" as we started walking.

"Honestly, you're like a kid trying to guess his presents on Christmas Eve, just _relax_." The Colonel chuckled.

I had no idea what half of his sentence even meant but I nodded, shifting my gaze to the floor and mumbling quietly. "Sorry, Sir" before looking upwards slyly and asking, "Is it to get food?" which produced exasperated but amused groans from all three members of SG1.

* * *

Despite my love of Earth food, even the most diverse culinary establishment couldn't have amazed me to the degree in which this 'department store' did. Colonel Jack had to physically move me away from the doorway where I had stood, frozen in awe, from the minute we had entered. 

"Hey, Kiddo, you in there?" He joked, snapping his fingers in front of my face.

"I…uh….yes, yes Sir." I stammered out, reluctantly glancing at the Colonel for a second before scanning back over the expanse before me, not wanting to take my eyes away from the huge array of items.

"Here. This is yours." The Colonel caught my attention again, this time by pushing a wad of paper into my hand and I frowned at it for a second before my stunned brain realised what I was holding.

"Currency…" I didn't realise I had spoken aloud until Teal'c nodded.

"It is the accumulation of the money you have earned for your services to the SGC." He explained.

"Minus food and lodgings." Sam said with a smile and I nodded, briefly dazed by this development before I managed to pull myself together and, even though a selfish part of me didn't want to, I held my hand out to Colonel Jack.

"You should take this back." I spoke past the lump in my throat. "I don't deserve it."

"Think of it as paid training and repayment for all those translations you helped us with." Sam explained, pushing my hand back towards my chest.

"Believe me, Kiddo, the authorities don't like giving money away in the slightest. If they thought there was even a slight chance you didn't deserve this cash there'd be no way you'd be holding it right now."

"Now, come on, don't you want to spend it?" Sam prompted and I nodded, walking a few steps forward before stopping and turning to my companions.

"I think I have everything I need already." I mumbled, "Is there something that the SGC requires?" I asked tentatively and Colonel Jack exchanged brief glances with Sam and Teal'c before sighing.

"The SGC requires you to have a little bit of fun." He said, clearly attempting to keep his voice light. "Come on, there must be _something _you've seen that you want." He prompted, quickly adding "**Not **food related!"

I closed my eyes as I tried to think of all the new technologies and inventions I'd come across during my time on Earth before finally coming to the memory of one of my earliest and most moving encounters with Earth culture and I finally, admitted in a nervous whisper. "Music."

""What did you say?" Sam asked, tilting her head to one side and I fought the urge to lie and say 'nothing'. What if it wasn't an appropriate thing to spend money on? What if I should've have picked something more productive? Still I swallowed my nerves and tried speaking again, this time projecting a little more volume into my slight trembling voice.

"In Jonas' office there was a device that played music. Like the one in the car but it was…"

"A CD player?" Sam prompted and I nodded, relieved she had understood.

"Quinn clearly desires to become more acquainted with…hip hop and rap." Teal'c stated, drawing annoyed glances for the rest of SG1 while I simply scratched the back of my neck as I stared at the floor and mumbled.

"Um, sure Teal'c….Whatever you say."

* * *

"You'll be needing some of these too!" Sam beamed as she dropped a handful of what were labelled as DVDs into the rapidly-filling trolley, I couldn't believe that after only half an hour I could have chosen so many things, _or _that I had the money to pay for them all. What I had first found to be daunting and confusing was actually incredibly fun after a while and I was sure I was filling the SGC's 'requirement' as I scanned for something new to look at. 

"I hope that-"

"Star Wars is in there, Teal'c." Sam assured the Jaffa, hastily adding, "All 6 of them." when the Jaffa raised a questioning eyebrow.

"Colonel O'Neill said they had a book section!" I signalled to the Colonel talking on his mobile phone before grinning excitedly at Major Sam and Teal'c. "Can we look, please? I memorised all the ones I have." I pleaded.

"Sure thing, we'll-" Major Carter quickly fell silent as Colonel O'Neill strode quickly towards us, any traces of fun or levity wiped from his face.

"We gotta go." He snapped abruptly, not even stopping walking to speak to us and I saw Sam and Teal'c exchange worried glances before we fell into step with the Colonel.

"What's the situation?" Sam asked and I could see the Colonel visibly compose himself before he replied.

"That was Hammond. SG2 have just come back from P4X-378. They found evidence of a goau'ld there." He explained.

"Who?" Teal'c asked, verbalising the question I had been thinking. The Colonel's next sentence was only a word but I felt all the breath rush out of me and my body freeze in shock as he replied.


	22. Chapter 22

**AN: Hello everyone, sorry for the delay. I went to Lanzarote and then to Worcester and I've had my exams. Also, I wanted to work extra hard on this chapter, I think you'll see why, I only hope that it shows.**

Jack, listen to me." General Hammond stepped in the path of Colonel Jack who was currently pacing around his office. "I know you want to go now, I understand, but I **cannot **send my people on a mission without them being fully informed and prepared." The General glared sternly and Colonel Jack sighed. "You know that." Hammond continued calmly and Jack sighed in response.

"General, every minute we waste here, Nirrti could be leaving that planet."

I understood, for once, what the Colonel wasn't saying. _"__**Jonas **__could be leaving that planet" _

"I understand that, Colonel. But what we're dealing with now is no longer a simple search and rescue. It's a full blown reconnaissance mission."

"Nirrti is a powerful Goa'uld, we may face heavy resistance." Teal'c added, though I could tell the admission was painful for him. He was just as eager, if not more so, as the Colonel to go on this mission.

"We're going to need at least two hours for the UAV to complete its survey. That should give us a good idea of the resistance we're up against." The General stated, visible bracing himself for the Colonel's reply which was immediate and furious.

"In two hours Nirrti could have packed up ship and left!" His voice wasn't quite at shouting volume but his body language easily betrayed his frustration and I empathised. I didn't even know the man that was responsible for such concern from Colonel Jack, Sam and Teal'c but seeing them so upset made me wish I could do something to help.

"Look, Colonel, at the minute we are just not prepared enough to begin this mission. We have no information about the level of resistance we'll be facing, heck, Colonel Murray doesn't even have a fourth team member yet."

All eyes in the room turned to me as the General finished speaking and it was all I could do to stammer out. "I…I failed?"

I had to force the final word past a lump in my throat. It wasn't like I'd never failed before, on Kelowna I'd constantly failed to live up to everyone's expectations as a soldier but this time the idea of failing hurt. It hurt so much it was almost a physical pain in my chest and even Sam placing her hand on my arm didn't put me at ease at all.

"No. He passed." The General's tone was reluctant and it took me longer than usual to actually process what he'd said.

"He passed?" Sam repeated, her voice sounding happier than I had heard it in a while. "Well then, Colonel Murray's got his fourth team member." She frowned, exchanging confused glances with me and the other members of SG-1.

"Well, perhaps, but I don't know if I'm comfortable sending an untrained agent on such a serious mission, Major."

I don't know what caused me to act the way I did next. Maybe it was the shock of believing I'd failed coupled with the sudden bout of confusion and happiness from hearing that I'd passed. More likely however, it was due to what I perceived as the General's, perhaps understandable, lack of confidence in me and the way he was talking as though I wasn't even in the room, like I was…just a slave.

"I am here you know." I cut off Sam's reply. "I can_ hear_ you. You can talk to **me **if there's a problem with my abilities." The silence that followed my statement brought home to me just _how _far I'd stepped out of line and I meekly added "Sir."

"He's right." I frowned in surprise as the Colonel started speaking. "He's a member of Stargate Command now, Sir. We should treat him like one."

The General hadn't even glanced at the Colonel, instead his eyes had remained fixed on me, his expression a mixture of shock, anger and bemusement before he finally sighed and nodded.

"You know what, son? He's right." I saw the Colonel give a grin at this. "You can make your own decisions. Do you understand why I'm reluctant to have you on the team for this mission?" He asked I nodded.

"I understand, Sir. You're only being cautious." I said formally, drawing on every ounce of military experience I had. "I know you don't have much evidence of my previous missions but, I'm talented at search and rescue, I know what I'm doing." I assured him, sounding far more confident than I actually felt. "And, having a clone of the missing….of Jonas Quinn could give us a psychological and tactical advantage over the enemy. If we could disorientate her then that could give us enough time to attack, or I could provide a diversion while the other teams get into place." I finished, happy to see proud looks on the faces of Sam, Teal'c and Colonel O'Neill. The General however had a genuine smile on his face.

"You've come a long way, son." He smiled. "A very long way." He repeated thoughtfully before turning to Colonel Jack.

"Alright, Colonel you've now got an hour and 40 minutes to meet with SG-18 and plan your strategy. I want you in the embarkation room at sixteen hundred hours." He ordered, snapping instantly back into his role as a commanding officer.

Major Carter and Colonel O'Neill both saluted before rapidly exiting the room along with Teal'c and I moved to follow before stopping briefly and turning to the remaining person in the office.

"Thank you, General Hammond." I said sincerely before making a promise I was determined to keep. "I won't let you down"

* * *

"Alright, Quinn, time to gear up." Murray clapped me on the shoulder as he handed me a rucksack. "Your uniform's in there along with your P-90 and a pair of those semi-automatics you liked." The Colonel explained as I began emptying the contents of the bag. "Major Hawke will talk you through how to operate your radio and GDO." He continued as we both got changed. 

"Major Hawke?" I questioned the unfamiliar name.

"Yeah he's…" I could hear the hitch in the Colonel's voice as he turned and saw my exposed chest littered with scars. "He's a member of SG-18 too." The Colonel continued before exhaling deeply.

"Go on." I sighed, an inappropriate smile tugging at my lips as I watched the Colonel try to contain his anger, "Just get it over with."

To my surprise the Colonel seemed relatively calm as he began speaking. "You know…if I ever meet the bastards who did that to you…" The Colonel paused as he loaded the ammunition into his gun and I took the opportunity to cut him off, not wanting to even think about my old masters and trainers.

"Can we just, not talk about it, Sir? Please?" I asked as I pulled my shirt on. "We have to focus on finding Jonas." That wasn't the _real_ reason for me cutting him off, I would never have suggested that Colonel Murray wasn't focused under normal circumstances but, ever since the Colonel had finished his last sentence, the circumstances were no longer normal. I knew he meant well with what he said but even the mere _idea _of anyone from Earth returning to Kelowna was enough to make me panic and if being rude or disrespectful put that idea out of their heads, even for a little while, then, in my eyes, it was worth it.

"He's right."

It was the second time that day that I had heard those two words spoken when I was expecting to hear a chastisement and I hoped that Lieutenant Renshaw wouldn't get disciplined for agreeing with me.

"We don't have much time to pool the Intel from the UAV, we have to keep focused on the task at hand." She continued before pausing as the black haired man next to her began speaking.

"He doesn't need a **civilian **to tell him that." The words were full of anger and dislike and I frowned as I raised my eyes to meet the piercing blue ones of the speaker. I didn't recognise him which confused me, how could a man I'd never met and who didn't understand about slave culture harbour such a dislike for me?

"Lucas!" Renshaw's voice was rich with indignation as she turned on her colleague, followed quickly by Colonel Murray who rose up off the bench, pulling himself to his full height. He was still and inch or so shorter than 'Lucas' but his presence was infinitely more intimidating.

"I think you need to reconsider your tone," he paused dramatically, "**Major**." There was no mistaking the significance behind that word. "Quinn, this is Major Lucas Hawke of SG-18."

I simply nodded unsure of what to say faced with such hostility. On Kelowna I would have assumed the man was spoiling for a fight but I knew that that wouldn't be the case on Earth. At least, not in such a public place.

"The General let him come, huh?" Hawke was looking at me as he spoke but not even acknowledging my presence in his speech. "I'm surprised." he said, his eyebrows were raised as he looked me up and down and I could feel resentment burning in the back of my mind. "Think you handle this without breaking down? I mean, I've heard…" The man's voice began to trail off as I imagined what Colonel O'Neill would be saying to me if he knew what was happening.

"_Are you just gonna stand there and take that crap, Quinn?" _

"I can handle it fine." I replied coldly, hoping it was the truth.

"You'd better." was the short, threatening reply I received before Major Hawke skulked off, followed rapidly by Colonel Murray.

"Don't mind him, Quinn…" Lieutenant Renshaw said gently as she moved towards me. "He's just wary of having civilians on the team after what happened to Michael…" She trailed off shaking her head and I placed a hand on her shoulder in what I hoped was a comforting gesture.

"I hardly ever miss." I assured her. "I'd never miss a shot three times in a row. Besides…" I sighed as I loaded my semi automatics. "I'm hardly a civilian." I tried to keep the pain out of my voice as I spoke, I wasn't looking for sympathy or pity but there was no denying the feeling of resentment I got from saying those words. The whole reason for my creation was for me to be a soldier for the coalition and this stranger was accusing me of not having enough military training.

"He'll understand once he gets to know you." Renshaw assured me but I simply shrugged with one shoulder as I altered the strap on my P90.

"Doesn't matter." I replied and Renshaw looked at me curiously.

"It really doesn't to you, does it?"

"As long as he doesn't let it interfere in the mission." I started as I stood up, "The only thing that matters is the successful completion of the mission." It was only when I turned back to look at the Lieutenant, that I noticed the saddened look on her face and I frowned as I tried to understand what was upsetting her. "Success is all that matters…" I quoted the lesson that had been drilled into me on Kelowna, "Isn't that right?"

* * *

"From what we've seen, Nirrti has touched down in a Ha'tak vessel here." Sam pointed to a position on the map we were all stood in front of. "It's approximately two miles from the Stargate and three miles from a small village located here." My eyes followed the Major's finger to where she pointed on the map. 

"SG-2's report and the UAV both show that the village is of a low level of technological and scientific advancement."

"Then Nirrti isn't there to steal technology." Lieutenant Renshaw surmised and Major Sam nodded her approval.

"That's right. We have to assume she's either interested in something native to that planet, similar to naquadria found on Kelowna, or the natives of the planet themselves."

"Given the proximity of her Ha'tak vessel to the village, the latter seems the most likely probability." Teal'c stated and I saw the other personnel in the room nod in agreement.

"SG-2 reported no Jaffa guarding the Stargate on their arrival or departure from the planet." Colonel O'Neill picked up where Sam had left off. "We should expect little resistance en route to Nirrti's ship meaning we can keep up a good pace."

"Then what?" Colonel Murray prompted and O'Neill shrugged.

"We'll deal with the resistance. Get in, grab Jonas and get out. Hopefully bag ourselves a Goa'uld on the way out." He spoke nonchalantly but his expression was serious and showed that he wasn't prepared to be argued with on that matter.

Major Hawke however either didn't pick that up or had decided to put his opinion across regardless. "Look, I hate to say it but we can't tiptoe around the issue." The man took a deep breath before continuing, "There's a chance Jonas isn't going to be there." He stated and I had to admire his courage, even if I didn't like him, as he fixed those piercing blue eyes unwaveringly on Colonel O'Neill.

"He's right, Jack." Colonel Murray said placatingly, quickly coming to the defence of his subordinate as he observed the rising fury within Colonel O'Neill. "If he's not there we can't afford to loose focus. Any of us." He glanced over the room and again everyone nodded, albeit a little reluctantly this time.

"There's a still a village full of people in danger from that Goa'uld." Sam stated and I could tell it was a conscious effort for her to keep her voice steady.

"But, retrieving Jonas is our **first **priority." The Colonel said firmly and this time even Hawke didn't argue. "Does everyone understand?"

"Yes Sir." I replied in time with everyone else, grateful to have something to say in this meeting, no matter how small. I could only hope that my contribution to the mission itself would be something more substantial. If I'd known at the time just _how _substantial it would be then I might have been more careful about what I hoped for.

* * *

I'd only met the General once or twice and I still don't know what inspired me to ask him what I did yet, as I stood to attention in front of him, Neill sat by my feet I was almost sure I'd made the right decision. 

"Of all the questions I was expecting to hear today, that was the _last _thing that crossed my mind." Hammond smiled and bit my lip nervously as I shifted my eyes to the ground. Maybe I had made a mistake after all.

"I'm sorry, Sir." I mumbled.

"Look at me son." The older man ordered but his voice was soft and concerned and I gingerly lifted my gaze to meet his. "Despite how it might seem, I don't like seeing people afraid of me."

I didn't know how to react to his self-depreciating humour and I was nervous to press the issue of my question. Luckily, I didn't need to as the General seemed to sense my apprehension and he gave me a warm smile.

"As for Neill here, I know two little girls who'd just love to give him a home." I smiled at this before suddenly realising the impact of his words. I didn't want Neill taken away from me. "For a little while at least." He finished and I exhaled a sigh of relief.

"Thank you Sir." I couldn't stop the smile from spreading across my face.

"Maybe I should be thanking _you_." Hammond replied, "My granddaughters have been spoiling for a puppy of their own, this will give them the opportunity to prove to their mother that they're capable of looking after one."

"I'm glad Neill and I could be useful to you, Sir." I replied.

"Quinn I…" the general paused thoughtfully, indicating for me to take a seat. "I hope you didn't take what I said earlier personally. I would have said that with any soldier I haven't had field reports from. You understand that don't you?"

"Yes Sir." I replied automatically but the General's suspicious expression prompted me to continue. "I do understand, General, and I'm grateful to be working under such a wise and responsible commander."

"If all my men shared that attitude my job would be a lot easier." Hammond mused and I smiled a little.

"I know you wouldn't have your people any other way than they are now, Sir." I ventured and the older man nodded.

"Sadly…you're completely right." The General laughed.

"But, they don't…they're not…" I cursed internally as I stumbled over what I was really trying to say. Years of not expressing my feelings often made it difficult to find the words and I desperately wanted to explain to the General what I was feeling.

"Take your time." Hammond said kindly and I was once again reminded of how lucky I was to be here, how I no longer expected a blow for hesitating.

"I just wanted to thank you for…for giving me a home too." I finally choked out.

"I'm glad I did." The man smiled as he stood up and I followed suit. "Listen, you just make sure you come back to it after this mission, you hear me?" He spoke seriously and I nodded.

"I wouldn't want to go anywhere else."

* * *

"I already told you ma'am-" 

"Just let me in!" The sounds of an argument outside shattered the serenity of mine and General Hammond's sentimental moment and I startled at the sound of a familiar voice, my eyes locking briefly with the General's before turning to the entrance.

"Doctor Fraiser?" Hammond called out curiously, frowning as the Doctor pushed open the door.

"General Hammond, request to join Jonas Quinn's rescue mission." She stated before the General had a chance to ask any questions.

"Sir I-" A young looking airman appeared in the doorway and General Hammond waved him back,

"It's alright airman." He said calmly before turning to Doctor Fraiser. "Request denied, Doctor."

"Sir!"

I was shocked at the bluntness of General Hammond's tone but I knew the General would have a good reason for not allowing Doctor Janet on the team.

"Sir I should-"

"Doctor." The General's firm tone cut the Doctor off mid-protest, "I understand how you feel but I need you here, on base." He explained, "There's a chance that there will be casualties from this mission and I need you available to deal with them."

There was no denying his logic but in the face of saving someone you love sometimes logic doesn't get much of a say in matters.

"But Sir we _need _medical support on that mission."

"Lieutenant Renshaw is perfectly capable of providing medical support."

It seemed that I had all but been forgotten in the heated debate so it came as a shock to both of them when I timidly spoke up.

"The teams would be even…"

"What?"

I wasn't sure if I should keep disagreeing with the General but I felt sorry for Doctor Janet and it would be safer having another medic on the team. "If Doctor Janet were to come…then there would be four people on each team. Just like on the other SG teams. We could split up then if necessary and it might be reassuring for Jonas, if we find to him, to have Doctor Janet there." I spoke, Neill barking enthusiastically in response to the sounds of my voice.

"Nurse Rush can handle things in the infirmary, Sir." Doctor Janet took advantage of the General's crumbling resolve.

"You know what? I'm leaving this one up to Colonel O'Neill." The General decided, "You have one hour until departure, any last minute tweaks to the mission plan I'm leaving up to the CO."

"Thank you, General!" Janet beamed before taking hold of my hand and leading me towards the exit. "Come on, Quinn, I'm going to need those puppy-dog eyes of yours." She smiled and I looked helplessly to General Hammond before turning back to look at the woman currently holding my wrist.

"But, Doctor Janet, Neill's still in the office!" Not that I understood how his eyes would help the situation anyway.

* * *

It turned out that Doctor Janet didn't need any help from me to get permission to join the mission. Colonel O'Neill seemed glad to have her on board even if he was a little startled that she'd charged into the men's locker room to confront him 

"Thanks, Quinn." Doctor Janet smiled as she approached me after Colonel O'Neill had left. "You put up a good argument for me in there."

"No problem." I mumbled shyly. "It's not a lot compared to everything you've done for me."

"I don't think you realise how important this is to me if that's what you think." She replied with a hint of disbelief in her voice and I shrugged.

"Probably not." I replied honestly.

"No…" The doctor paused thoughtfully, "Probably not. I hope you never do." She added emphatically. It was strange to see Doctor Janet so withdrawn and pensive when I was so used to her being in control. Until that moment it had always been Doctor Janet supporting me. I wanted nothing more than to repay all she had done for me but faced with the opportunity I, once again, had no idea of the right thing to say.

"_I _think he'll still be alive." I tried to reassure her. It wasn't the most confidence-inspiring of things but Doctor Janet seemed to appreciate it, even if she knew I was only basing my confidence on gut-feeling.

"It's hard to consider anything else." Janet admitted and I nodded.

"I wish there was some way that we could synthesize the protein for my eyes here. I'd be so much more useful if I could use my advanced vision at will." I mused and Janet shook her head.

"That chemical wasn't natural Quinn, it could have a lot of side-effects we don't know about. You can't put yourself at risk, even…even on a mission like this." Even when she was so distraught Doctor Janet was thinking of my welfare and faced with such selflessness I felt almost unbearably inadequate. "Even if you want to." She continued and I nodded solemnly but reluctantly before glancing down at the digital watch I'd been given as part of my kit.

"ETA minus four minutes. We'd better go." I stated and Janet nodded. There was so much more that should have been said in that moment but my thoughts and emotions were running too wild to be put into words and there was no action that could accurately describe the complex mix of emotions I was feeling. It was mind-boggling to comprehend how a man I'd never met could be having such an influence on my life and I wondered if I would ever be capable of inspiring the type of feelings Jonas caused in the people of this facility.

* * *

I'd travelled through the Stargate a lot of times before on my various missions in Kelowna and I was prepared for the feeling of nausea and cold and the possibility of being hurled out of the wormhole at high speed. What I wasn't prepared for was to feel totally normal. Well, as normal as one can feel after being demolecularised and travelling through a wormhole. 

The planet we arrived on - P43871 was covered in dense forestry but the Stargate was placed in a clearing with a path leading to it from far into the distance. The sky was blue and clear and a sun was shining brightly although it did little to heat the air around us, suggesting that it was much further away than Kelowna's or Earth's suns.

"Teal'c, Murray, Fraiser take point, Quinn with me, Carter, Renshaw, Hawke you guys bring up the rear. Keep alert." The Colonel ordered and everyone swiftly got into position. "Keep your eyes on those trees, Kiddo, this is too easy so far." The Colonel murmured as we began walking.

"Right" I agreed. "No guards at the Stargate…unusual considering we sent a team already and a UAV."

"Exactly." the Colonel agreed seriously.

"Maybe she feels she doesn't need guards for some reason?" Sam had obviously heard our conversation as she added her input.

"The Goa'uld are most arrogant." Teal'c provided and I nodded, it made sense but I couldn't figure out what reason Nirrti would have not to worry about our arrival. After all, the Tau'ri _did _have a reputation of defeating Goa'ulds.

"She knows we have the power to destroy her." Colonel Murray voiced my thoughts "Or, there's at least a possibility that we might be able to."

"She must think we won't for some reason." Hawke continued the train of thought which read like a military textbook- the skill and expertise of the people I was dealing with was incredible.

"But what…" I tried to figure out the next logical step in this thinking patter before my mind finally stumbled upon a conclusion which was as terrifying as it was uplifting.

"Hostage…" I wasn't sure who had said it or whether it was just my own thoughts echoing in my head but, either way, I could tell by the expressions on the faces of my team-mates that they were thinking the same way.

"It's just speculation." Colonel Murray finally spoke, breaking the silence that had descended on the group. His tone was reluctant but reserved but determined and what he was saying was true "She might have packed up ship and gone already." This was a little less determined but there were no arguments, it was a possibility we all had to face.

I felt my hands bunching into fists at my sides as I glanced round t the faces of my team-mates. I hated this Goa'uld as much as I had hated any trainer, bar the one who killed Forty Six. I hated this Goa'uld for the misery and suffering she caused to the people who had given me so much freedom and joy.

"_If she is gone…"_ I thought to myself as we continued to trudge forward, _"If she has left, then I'll find her." _I swore to myself, _"I'll find her, kill her and I'll bring Jonas Quinn back to Earth. And this time I won't anyone down." _

* * *

As soon as we reached our destination I could feel the atmosphere around the group shift. Stood, dwarfed in the shadow of the great Hat'ak vessel I felt as tense then as I had when I had touched the quantum mirror so many months ago. 

"_Strange…" _I thought _"How things can come full-circle."_

"Quinn get behind Teal'c." Colonel O'Neill ordered and I felt all my energy drain away as I turned to him, furious and indignant but knowing I would obey regardless.

"I came here to fight." I told him, almost spitefully, even as I moved to stand behind the Jaffa.

"Quinn, you said it yourself, you're a good tactical advantage. We need you to stay hidden, at least for a while." Sam spoke calmly and I nodded, feeling ashamed for even questioning the Colonel's logic.

"I'm sorry…Sir."

"Nothing to be sorry about." The Colonel smiled. "We need to be ready to fight. We came here-"

"My, my…the Tau'ri." A strange voice cut Colonel off and judging by the reactions of the humans and Teal'c there was no doubt who this person was. The urge to aim my weapon was overpowering but I kept still and hidden, obscured by Teal'c's larger frame. I wasn't going to let anger ruin the chance we had worked so hard for. "It _has _been a while hasn't it? I'm afraid your team-mate gave up hope of you returning long ago…"

The woman's voice was like that of a Tok'ra and the mocking in it was easy to hear.

"Cut the crap." O'Neill scowled, "Where is he?" His voice was hard and cold and slightly unnerving to hear. I'd never seen the kindly, stoic Colonel so furious before.

"What makes you think he is still alive?" Nirrti smirked and I could see everyone tighten their grips on their weapons other than Colonel Jack who stood up, faking casualness.

"Because we have him right here." He smirked and I took that as my cue to step forward, standing in between Major Sam and the Colonel. The change in Nirrti's demeanour was slight but noticeable as her eyes widened and her brow creased in confusion.

"Wodan." She yelled, presumably to someone or something in the ship. "Bring out the Hok'taur."

I couldn't help but grin at this – Jonas was alive!

"You're wasting your time, Nirrti. We have the original right here." The Colonel placed a hand casually on my shoulder. "And he's more advanced than anything you could ever create."

I could feel my eyes growing darker at this as nerves and anger began to outweigh my sense of control. We had no plan for this and we could only hope things would go in our favour, it annoyed me that the Colonel was being so reckless.

"Jonas!" Doctor Janet's gasp was relieved, pained and panicked all at the same time resulting in a tone which could only be described as 'desperate'. It wasn't loud enough for Nirrti to hear of course, but it summed up pretty well everyone's reaction as Jonas Quinn was carried out of the ship over the shoulders of a Jaffa who was, in turn, accompanied by a strangely disfigured alien.

"That person is not Jonas Quinn." Nirrti sounded more like she was trying to assure herself than state a fact as she pointed at me, walking closer as she did so. Her eyes flashed white as mine shimmered black and for a moment we made eye contact and the cruelty and malice in those eyes shocked me to the core.

"Interesting…" The Goa'uld mused, seemingly having regained her composure and I reached automatically for my P90 when she took another step towards me, stopping when she snapped her fingers and Jonas was levitated into the air. My mind was racing as I tried to figure it out, the only species I had seen who could levitate people were the Ori – a mere Goa'uld wasn't capable of such a thing, surely?

"If they make any attack – snap his neck." Nirrti ordered coldly to the disfigured alien behind her who I realised must have been the one levitating Jonas and I immediately stopped reaching for my weapon. "And now, Colonel O'Neill…" Nirrti's voice was a malicious purr as she stepped closer, within touching distance,

"We have an interesting situation, don't we?" She smiled, glancing over to Jonas and nodding her head in what seemed to be an unspoken order.

"I have something you want and…" She turned back to face the Tau'ri before placing a hand under my chin, I fought not to flinch back knowing Jonas' life was in the balance. "And you have something that _I _want."

"No!" Sam was the first to react, in an emphatic denial. "Colonel!" She pleaded, to Jack and I presumed she wanted him not to make the trade Nirrti was offering. I myself couldn't seem to react, lost in memories of my time spent on Earth, of what…I felt tears come to my eyes at the unfairness of the situation…of what I had to lose.

"_**This is amazing, Jona-Quinn. Quinn, look at me, please look at me, this is incredible."  
**_"_**Quinn. I want to be Quinn."  
**_"_**Goddammit Quinn, I do NOT want to hear you say that. You are NOT expendable**__**."**_

"You are testing my patience, O'Neill." Nirrti scowled before sneering, "You may have noticed my little Hok'taur's chest is no longer moving. Wodan has the ability to affect many things…" She explained, "Including, the windpipe." She traced a finger down my throat. "How long, I wonder…" She mused, "Can a Kelownan last without oxygen?"

And as she spoke those words I knew that really I had no choice in this. After everything the Tau'ri had done for me since my arrival on the planet, how could I _not _give myself up? I'd longed for so long to be useful and now I had the opportunity. None of that made me any less frightened of course but I was used to fear and it didn't sway my decision.

"_**I'm glad I'm here**__**, Sam…I'm really glad I'm here."  
**_"_**He asked me if I wanted to join SG-18."**_

"Sam…" I turned to the Major, realising now that I should have trusted my feelings earlier because now…I shook my head, blinking away the bleak thoughts - I had this moment, this one last moment if nothing else.

"Quinn…" There were no words to describe how powerless we both felt…how we _all _felt and I shook my head to silence her.

"Sam I-" I clenched my fists, no longer able to control the tears welling up in my eyes, "I don't know, if I ever really understood it but…" I took an intake of breath before moving to kiss the Major on the lips. "I…" I pulled back hastily before she had the chance to respond, "I think that I loved you…"

"_**He passed."  
**_"_**ETA minus four minutes. We'd better go."**_

"Quinn…." The Major repeated, her eyes lingering on me but flickering to Jonas' limp, unconscious body suspended in the air, tinges of blue touching his face.

"Colonel O'Neill, Colonel Murray…Doctor Janet…" I began.

"We ain't going through with this!" Murray cut me off as if he could tell what I was about to say.

I shook my head in response before responding words that could barley begin to convey my emotions for these people, "Thank you." And with that, I broke away from the Colonel's hand, still clasping my shoulder and from Sam's hand squeezing my own before stepping behind Nirrti, even as Doctor Janet had to keep hold of Colonel O'Neil's arm to stop him following.

"_**I won't**__** let anyone down."**_

"Let him go." I turned to the Goa'uld, my words commanding but my body language and tone every bit that of a submissive slave. "Please…" I begged, "You can have me just-"

My words were cut off as Wodan let go of his hold of Jonas and the Kelownan dropped limply a metre or so to the ground. I contemplated running in that split second, maybe I could have grabbed Jonas and got to the others, but I could see Wodan still staring at Jonas and Nirrti's Jaffa's staff weapon was a concern too.

"_No..." _I thought solemnly as I stared down at the limp form of my counterpart, _"There's no way out of this one Twenty-three."_

"Kree!" I suddenly felt myself picked up by the Jaffa had had carried Jonas is an ironic changing of position and I could see Nirrti backing away from the Tau'ri and towards her ship slowly.

I kept my eyes focused on Sam's blue one's not sure if was her eyes shimmering with tears or mine, until the door to the ship shut behind us.

"Put him here." Nirrti pointed to a machine in the centre of the room and the Jaffa dropped me there before standing obediently to the side of the room near Wodan.

"Now….let's have a look at you shall we…" Nirrti smiled as the machine began to light up and I was surrounded with images whilst the floor rumbled below me indicating take-off.

"You aren't Jonas Quinn, I can see that." The Goa'uld smiled to herself, "So tell me, who are you, my new Hok'taur?"

The feeling of fear, dread and complete isolation was pressing on my heart like a weight but even as my eyes met the Nirrti's I didn't falter, knowing that things truly had come full circle and that I **had **been useful after all, my life **had **had a purpose. I'd repaid all those people who had given me a short time of pleasure by reuniting them with the version of me that had a _right_ to be in this universe. My voice was unwavering as I digested this information before answering with complete confidence.

"My name is Quinn."

End

**AN: Sequel anyone? Anyway, I just want to thank everyone who took time to read and/or review this story and I hope you enjoyed it. I'll probably make a sequel sometime so, 'watch this space' as they say. I hope the ending didn't seem rushed, I've had this ending in mind for a long time. Special thanks to my beta Night's Darkness who made this not suck. **

**I'll be posting this on my website (www (dot) geocities (dot) com (forward slash) maz (underscore) kazama). Pleeeeeeaaaase go and bump the viagra spam off the first page of my guestbook. I'll love you forever if you do. **

_AAN: I'm now posting drafts of the seuqel to this on my livejournal (see my prfoile for the address) if anyone's interested._


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